Sometimes a question comes in that resonates with my life.
My father (77) has been seeing a woman (44) he met very recently. He says he's falling for her, but my sister and I are having a hard time believing this woman is for real. Is there any way I can convey my confusion about the situation and distrust of this woman without sounding like I just don't want him to be happy?
Had a similar situation the 4th July weekend, when as many of the clan as possible descended for the usual BBQ/party/jam session. My Uncle Steve, who is like a second Dad to me, has started seeing someone now, and about time too. Auntie Ally has been dead nearly 4 years and he has got to be feeling lonely. So he brought his new girlfriend along to meet us all.
I went to school with Steve's new gal. Hell, I dated her briefly at one stage, and that opens up a whole passel of things you really don't want to have to think about while scoffing down burgers and beers.
His kids are horrified and confused and pretty much beseiged me about the whole situation, not something I needed during a party.
I don't get why. So there is a thirty year age difference. Big deal. Steve is semi retired, and if he wants to have some company and get his exercise in bed, that is no concern of mine.
We argued quite a bit, with my cousins getting more and more upset about the whole situation. It went round in circles until the magic words popped out.
Gold digger.
She must only be after his money, cause what other reason could there be? He is old, and besides, who likes to think of Dad (or Mom) having needs and feelings or even - gasp - sex!
There is no expiration date for love, sex and especially loneliness. He has, I assume in the questioners case, done his duty by his kids, raising them and cherishing them. Now it is his time. Cut him some slack.
He is not just "Dad" he is a fully independent human being in his own right too with his own needs and desires. So shut up and soldier. This is not about your feelings. It is about his, which you will respect.
Now if it is the gold digger thing you are still worried about, get to know her. You should do that anyway, but it may set your mind at rest. And if it doesn't, and "your inheritance" is the big concern, guess what?
Anything your Dad has is your Dad's, to do with as he wishes. He wants to gamble it away on a single roll of the dice - he can. He wants to give it all to a home for retired pimps - it is his right. He wants to spend his last years with some warm and loving company - get out of here, your greed and selfishness is making me physically sick.
One of my cousins is no longer talking to me. No great loss.
My father (77) has been seeing a woman (44) he met very recently. He says he's falling for her, but my sister and I are having a hard time believing this woman is for real. Is there any way I can convey my confusion about the situation and distrust of this woman without sounding like I just don't want him to be happy?
Had a similar situation the 4th July weekend, when as many of the clan as possible descended for the usual BBQ/party/jam session. My Uncle Steve, who is like a second Dad to me, has started seeing someone now, and about time too. Auntie Ally has been dead nearly 4 years and he has got to be feeling lonely. So he brought his new girlfriend along to meet us all.
I went to school with Steve's new gal. Hell, I dated her briefly at one stage, and that opens up a whole passel of things you really don't want to have to think about while scoffing down burgers and beers.
His kids are horrified and confused and pretty much beseiged me about the whole situation, not something I needed during a party.
I don't get why. So there is a thirty year age difference. Big deal. Steve is semi retired, and if he wants to have some company and get his exercise in bed, that is no concern of mine.
We argued quite a bit, with my cousins getting more and more upset about the whole situation. It went round in circles until the magic words popped out.
Gold digger.
She must only be after his money, cause what other reason could there be? He is old, and besides, who likes to think of Dad (or Mom) having needs and feelings or even - gasp - sex!
There is no expiration date for love, sex and especially loneliness. He has, I assume in the questioners case, done his duty by his kids, raising them and cherishing them. Now it is his time. Cut him some slack.
He is not just "Dad" he is a fully independent human being in his own right too with his own needs and desires. So shut up and soldier. This is not about your feelings. It is about his, which you will respect.
Now if it is the gold digger thing you are still worried about, get to know her. You should do that anyway, but it may set your mind at rest. And if it doesn't, and "your inheritance" is the big concern, guess what?
Anything your Dad has is your Dad's, to do with as he wishes. He wants to gamble it away on a single roll of the dice - he can. He wants to give it all to a home for retired pimps - it is his right. He wants to spend his last years with some warm and loving company - get out of here, your greed and selfishness is making me physically sick.
One of my cousins is no longer talking to me. No great loss.
WOW, thank you! This could not have come at a better time. I'm dating a guy 20 years older than me who is divorced with 2 teenagers. Despite the fact that we have a great time together, he gets me, we laugh at each others jokes, have great conversations, can spend hours on end together without getting tired of the other...I'm always afraid of how others will view us.
Don't be afraid, simply enjoy. Others are jealous of your happiness, because what you have with this man is precious and it happens that we can't find it (whatever the age of our companion). And the fact that you are younger than him gets people more envious. "How the hell did this guy to get a younger woman and that they they have such chemistry ? she must fake the whole thing." Only jealousy. We live for ourselves, not for the others.
As MM says, let the haters hate, appreciate only the lovers. and him in particular. You're a lucky woman!
such a great response. i need to read that over a few times lol
Not only do I love this article, I love you (more) for writing it :)
This was actually my question, and since I asked it I have kind of come to the same conclusion as you did, MM. There was more to it that I would have put in, but the character limit stopped me from doing so. Either way, the basic gist of the situation is the same, and if my dad wants to spend time with the woman, he's going to do it, so I'm trying not to waste my energy being upset about it. I think one of the main reasons that it makes my sister and I uncomfortable is because he's always had a thing for younger women (much younger), sometimes almost the same age as the two of us, and we don't really know how to handle that. At least this woman is slightly older than us, so I guess that's something to be thankful for.
The few times I've met her she's not been particularly nice to me, or to anyone else around really, but there's really nothing to be done about it I suppose. So, thanks for your input. I hope that once I get to know this woman I'll see whatever he sees in her.
She is probably as nervous as you are.
As someone who has always been more interested in older men than men my age, I thank you for this answer. It has never been about money for me (in fact, when I married a man 18 years my senior, I ended up supporting him). It's because, on average, older men are more settled, more worldly, more educated by life, and generally more open minded because they have experienced love and loss and and millions of other things that younger men just... haven't. And all of that is incredibly attractive to me.
As to the inheritance issue, damn straight. Would you be as angry if dad ended up in a nursing home and used up his entire retirement fund on his own support? It's his money; he earned it, it's for his use in whatever way he sees fit.
Just saw your reply, OP, and apparently my last paragraph should not have been directed at you. Sorry--I work with a professional guardianship company and the "but my inheritance!" issue comes up waaay more often than you'd think.
I know what you mean.. Money and family are sometimes not the best fit unfortunately. Especially when parents grow old. I have some of my aunts sharply fighting for some piece of land while they are far from being in the need...
I totally understand the older man worry. I am 29 and my boyfriend is almost 49. My mom is skeptical of the relationship since he is almost her age. All I can say is I don't see him as a number. I see him as a person and a wonderful one at that. It doesn't bother me that two of his children are less than 5 years younger than me and the other just turned 11 nor the fact that he has a 7 year old grandchild. I'm not sure how his sons feel about me being their age but I don't really care either. I am not after him for his money because quite frankly, I make more than he does and he does not have a savings thanks to the ex-wife. I'm sure his kids wonder what he sees in someone so much younger just as my mother wonders what I have in common with somone so much older. It is hard to explain but I have never felt so connected, so alive or so loved with anyone else in my life. We have an amazing chemistry that I thought only existed in the movies.I can honestly say he is the love of my life and I will not give him up for anyone and to hell with anyone that tries to break us up! So to the op, I'm sorry that the woman has not been nice to you but maybe there is a reason. She may have a wall up because she thinks you are automatically going to hate her and not give her a chance simply because of her age. I am not saying that is OK by any means, but I hope that you can express to her that you would like to get to know her better for the sake of your father's happiness. She may be the best thing that ever happened to him :) Good Luck to you.
I totally understand the older man worry. I am 29 and my boyfriend is almost 49. My mom is skeptical of the relationship since he is almost her age. All I can say is I don't see him as a number. I see him as a person and a wonderful one at that. It doesn't bother me that two of his children are less than 5 years younger than me and the other just turned 11 nor the fact that he has a 7 year old grandchild. I'm not sure how his sons feel about me being their age but I don't really care either. I am not after him for his money because quite frankly, I make more than he does and he does not have a savings thanks to the ex-wife. I'm sure his kids wonder what he sees in someone so much younger just as my mother wonders what I have in common with somone so much older. It is hard to explain but I have never felt so connected, so alive or so loved with anyone else in my life. We have an amazing chemistry that I thought only existed in the movies.I can honestly say he is the love of my life and I will not give him up for anyone and to hell with anyone that tries to break us up! So to the op, I'm sorry that the woman has not been nice to you but maybe there is a reason. She may have a wall up because she thinks you are automatically going to hate her and not give her a chance simply because of her age. I am not saying that is OK by any means, but I hope that you can express to her that you would like to get to know her better for the sake of your father's happiness. She may be the best thing that ever happened to him :) Good Luck to you.
How funny amamsexymamma! I'm in the exact same situation too (but he doesn't have kids). We get all sorts of looks but I really don't care. This has been the healthiest relationship I've been in for more than a decade.
another one with weird timing for me too. i too am dating an older man, and have wondered if this issue will come up for us down the line, we're getting very close to that line actually lol appreciate the perspective, MM
Many people tend to believe that all others should do as THEY do. But, as individuals who live in a free country, we ARE free to live our lives how we feel, provided it does not harm anyone else. You may not agree with his decisions, but they're not YOUR decisions to make. You make your own decisions for your own life. If you're afraid of losing an inheritance, make your own money and stop concerning yourself with his. Your first and foremost concern should be his happiness. And he's lived quite a few number of years, has a great deal of wisdom, and has experience much of life. In other words, HE'S A BIG BOY. Be happy for him. If he's found something that lets him live his remaining years as a happy man, instead of a lonely one, why wouldn't you appreciate that?
Ive always been attracted older men, but now find myself analyzing why. And I know now that dating older men may not entirely be a good thing, especially because your values may differ, you politics may differ, etc. HOWEVER, that said, age is just number. I have always been a laid back gal and most older guys are to.
also Young guys can bitch all them want about young gals going for the older guys, because when they get old and have grey hair, theyre leaving their middle age wives for the twenty-something year old college grad. What comes around goes around.
It has to be surreal seeing your surviving widowed parent move on and go have a life with someone else. It's normal to think Mom only belongs with Dad. Grownup kids are no longer central to any decisions made nor should they be. It's a role reversal: When you are young, all you want is to live your life without parents' interference; Grownup kids have no right to expect how their senior parent should live out their twilight years... And what's with this sense of entitlement to an inheritance? It would be nice but no one should expect one...
It sucks for us women. We date older men, we are called "gold diggers". We date younger men, we are called "cradle snatchers". Not cool. I wish the world was less judgmental and a little more understanding. Just because we're not dating within the norms (whatever that is!) doesn't mean we have evil intentions.
Thought we were cougars now?!? However, you are right. People will always try to apply certain labels. Let 'em, then go out and just live the life that makes you happy. ;-)
We have to be brave enough to go for what we want. Everything else will fall into place. Anyone who matters will want you happy...