The epiphany hit me this morning. I had just finished measuring precise amounts of brewer's yeast and cider vinegar to ladle over the warm mound of yogurt, brown rice and steel cut oats in the bowl on the kitchen counter. This was to be breakfast for our two Chihuahuas. To my left, another, dirtier bowl held the remains of last night's pasta and half a piece of stale bread that was to be my breakfast. I swear, a single tear fell from my eye.
When did I let this happen? When did my dogs' health needs take priority over my own? The truth is, it's a long, sad tale, filled with political double-dealing and furious leg humping...and that was before we even got the dogs.
I think the first step on the path to subservience was agreeing to brush their teeth for them. Not like they asked me or anything; after one of them lost a tooth to gum disease, the vet told us we would henceforth be tasked with holding their head in place and forcing plastic pipes down their mouths every morning.
As you can probably guess, they tend not to sit still for this process. A dollop of chicken-flavored toothpaste only buys you so much goodwill, then they're all tiny teeth and adorable snarls. It's time-consuming, frustrating, and, frankly, just a little humiliating.
But someone's got to do it (and as usual, that duty falls to the one not in medical school...COP OUT). If they lose any more teeth, I fear the next step will involve me pre-chewing all their meals. Which would actually be an improvement over my usual diet. Their food is optimally nutritionally balanced by scientists, whereas I ate a packet of frozen ding-dongs covered in chili last night.
Let this serve as a warning, dog people. Cleaning up their poop is only the beginning of a series of demoralizing psychological tactics. And what do you get in return? Eventually, a dead dog. Learn from the tragedy that is my life. If you must get a pet, please, put as little effort as possible into their care.
Now if you'll excuse me, Tiggywinkle wants his "where the hot bitches at?" baby tee ironed before we go to the park. Man, I don't think our dogs could be any more pampered.
Oh wait, yes they could.
When did I let this happen? When did my dogs' health needs take priority over my own? The truth is, it's a long, sad tale, filled with political double-dealing and furious leg humping...and that was before we even got the dogs.
I think the first step on the path to subservience was agreeing to brush their teeth for them. Not like they asked me or anything; after one of them lost a tooth to gum disease, the vet told us we would henceforth be tasked with holding their head in place and forcing plastic pipes down their mouths every morning.
As you can probably guess, they tend not to sit still for this process. A dollop of chicken-flavored toothpaste only buys you so much goodwill, then they're all tiny teeth and adorable snarls. It's time-consuming, frustrating, and, frankly, just a little humiliating.
But someone's got to do it (and as usual, that duty falls to the one not in medical school...COP OUT). If they lose any more teeth, I fear the next step will involve me pre-chewing all their meals. Which would actually be an improvement over my usual diet. Their food is optimally nutritionally balanced by scientists, whereas I ate a packet of frozen ding-dongs covered in chili last night.
Let this serve as a warning, dog people. Cleaning up their poop is only the beginning of a series of demoralizing psychological tactics. And what do you get in return? Eventually, a dead dog. Learn from the tragedy that is my life. If you must get a pet, please, put as little effort as possible into their care.
Now if you'll excuse me, Tiggywinkle wants his "where the hot bitches at?" baby tee ironed before we go to the park. Man, I don't think our dogs could be any more pampered.
Oh wait, yes they could.
What? No. I refuse to believe that doggie lover doll exists. Except for there it is, harassing my mind all... red, lubricated, and hour-glassed shaped.
I am doubly thankful that we only have a fish, who can't be around other fish because apparently he will kill them and eat them.