As I'm sure many of you do, I often start the day in the bathroom. That may have something to do with how often I pass out in the bathroom the evening previous, but I digress. The morning bathroom ritual is a nice way to decompress (in several senses) before tackling the challenges brunch will surely pose, and I like to think of that time as my church, primarily for tax reasons.
But every once in a while, my fortress of solitude is visited by an unflinching, steely-eyed invader. A blood-soaked monstrosity sitting on top of the bathroom trashcan like a fallen angel, shattering the peace like the crack of a rifle.
It was on just such a sad occasion that I decided that the time had come for me to confront this touchy subject. I also decided that the best way to do so was through poetry. Don't ask my why I decided that; I was still pretty groggy at the time. In any case, here's what I found scrawled on a square of toilet paper and pasted to the bulletin board by my desk that evening.
By the full moon do you rise
Copper harbinger of doom
You're like a werewolf without eyes
Except a werewolf of the womb
You cycle like the tides
And like them too are sodden damp
Driftwood caught between her thighs
Gateway to a sea of cramps
A compacted rod of cotton
All wrapped up with a string
Though you wear a coat of crimson
No Christmas presents do you bring
Rosy finger of fertility
That most intimate of guests
Oh, with what great agility
Have you so come to rest
Upon a nest of tissue
In the trashcan do you lie
No, I could never miss you
No matter how I try
Yes, I see you on your throne
Smugly sitting at the zenith
I let out a frightened groan
And cover you with Kleenex
Yet I'm still mystified by you
And questions must I pose
Like wouldn't it be easier to
Just wear red pantyhose?
And what defines a "high flow" day?
Could she fill the kitchen sink?
And how is it that girl roommates
Get their periods in sync?
In days of yore, did girls employ
Wool, or leaves and feathers?
What did Cleopatra enjoy
Nestled 'twixt her nethers?
Though I came to drop a morning deuce
By the dawn's fast fading light
Here you greet me, bitter proof
That I won't get laid tonight.
But every once in a while, my fortress of solitude is visited by an unflinching, steely-eyed invader. A blood-soaked monstrosity sitting on top of the bathroom trashcan like a fallen angel, shattering the peace like the crack of a rifle.
It was on just such a sad occasion that I decided that the time had come for me to confront this touchy subject. I also decided that the best way to do so was through poetry. Don't ask my why I decided that; I was still pretty groggy at the time. In any case, here's what I found scrawled on a square of toilet paper and pasted to the bulletin board by my desk that evening.
An Ode To The Used Tampon My Wife Left In The Bathroom Trash (Again)
By the full moon do you rise
Copper harbinger of doom
You're like a werewolf without eyes
Except a werewolf of the womb
You cycle like the tides
And like them too are sodden damp
Driftwood caught between her thighs
Gateway to a sea of cramps
A compacted rod of cotton
All wrapped up with a string
Though you wear a coat of crimson
No Christmas presents do you bring
Rosy finger of fertility
That most intimate of guests
Oh, with what great agility
Have you so come to rest
Upon a nest of tissue
In the trashcan do you lie
No, I could never miss you
No matter how I try
Yes, I see you on your throne
Smugly sitting at the zenith
I let out a frightened groan
And cover you with Kleenex
Yet I'm still mystified by you
And questions must I pose
Like wouldn't it be easier to
Just wear red pantyhose?
And what defines a "high flow" day?
Could she fill the kitchen sink?
And how is it that girl roommates
Get their periods in sync?
In days of yore, did girls employ
Wool, or leaves and feathers?
What did Cleopatra enjoy
Nestled 'twixt her nethers?
Though I came to drop a morning deuce
By the dawn's fast fading light
Here you greet me, bitter proof
That I won't get laid tonight.
This is HILLLARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But sorry babe -- I can't just be wasting extra paper to wrap that thing up-- haven't you heard of Climate Change? ... like HELLO!
For the record, that was my wife logged into my account. I didn't actually think I could get away with calling my own thing hilarious in the comments.
FYI [that is a joke] I do wrap them up--- I don't know where he gets his material....
I 'hearted' this comment for relief.
Stop logging into my account!
HAHAHAHA WTF SWAIM.
Also, gross. I think I would rather live in a climate changed world, than be forced into seeing someone else's tampons.
Instead of writing hilarious poetry (not that I don't enjoy it), have you considered getting a small bathroom garbage can with a lid?
diva cup! women should start looking into this thing!
http://www.divacup.com/
to save the environment AND save you from the disgust you feel when you look in the trashcan during 'that time.'
even though it would keep you from writing poetry as elegant as this, it would most definitely be fodder for a whole different genre.
Ooooooh, I've never heard of this 'diva cup'. I'm going to have to get one for myself!
And now I'm caught with the imagery of Anne Rice when Lestat (I think) starts like... sucking menstrual blood out of some chick. But with a Diva cup it'd be like doing shooters! (And now I'm totally grossed out, and I can't wrap my mind around how you would SUCK the menstrual blood out of somebody.)
shots! shots! shots! shotshotshot! shots!
is it weird that i'm NOT grossed out my that? i always did wonder how vampires could stand being around women on their periods. they could probably get away with only drinking menstrual blood and NOT killing everyone.
You are HILARIOUS!
I see some fanfiction coming out with that detail already!
totally agree. diva cup changed my life. less mess, less waste, less money spent on tampons and pads. its ease of use makes me wonder why this isn't the norm instead of tampons.
I just bought one!
... talk about EXPENSIVE.
But I figure I'll end up saving a lot more money in the long run :D
Thanks!!!
that's awesome! i love how the first half of this comment section was devoted to saving the environment through our periods. you can't get more feminazi than that.
swaim, give your mrs. a high five for catalyzing some really important changes in people's lives.
Ok, "rosy finger of fertility" made me giggle, but honestly -- gross! My mom and sister taught me early on that the kindly thing to do for your fellow bathroom-mates is to wrap that shit in TP and bury it like the dirty little secret that it is.
Yeah...you definitely wrap it. I'm embarrassed having to put it in the trash at all, I couldn't imagine just leaving it on top for the world to see! A few squares of TP isn't going to change the world, but it will help out your husband haha.
This work of beauty deserves a moment of silence.........................BRAVO!!! "'twixt her nethers"? Comic genious!
Only Swaim could turn something so horrifying into silliness and giggles.
I thought that they were supposed to be flushed down the toilet. The box says they are "biodegradable." I think a big, red, winged monster is waaayyyy more gross to have smiling at you when you are barely awake, at the break of dawn, from the trash than even a red, big-toe sized, pooty plug! Of course, maybe that's just me- And the poem had me LMFAO!!!!!!!!
It's not just you, I flush them too. The biodegradable quality is actually the main reason I switch to tampons ages ago. The comfort compared to pads was just a big bonus lol
When I worked for an environmental dot com, the issue of which method was most eco friendly came up. Tampons are less material, but you aren't supposed to flush them, according to my research. Supposedly, plumbers call them "white mice." You could have knocked me over with a plastic applicator, because I'd been flushing them for 20 years! I even switched to OB, partly for not having an applicator to throw away (although I flushed cardboard ones) and because they expand for a better fit.
I'm guessing it depends on your local sewer system. We moved into a newly built house not long after I started using tampons. Never had a problem. Perhaps that would be different if you live in an old building in the Northeast?
BUY A TRASHCAN WITH A LID!
true true!
LOL - exactly!
This is by far one of the greatest pieces of poetry I have ever read. It rates right up there with the works of W.B. Yeats, e.e. cummings, William Blake, and Edgar Ellen Poe. This should be published in a university poetry textbook so all can study it in great depths.
I use pads. Can't stand stinking up wads of cotton up there. Also, I would forget about them and then make an even bigger mess. Not fun.
I have two sisters and then there's my mom. We all managed to be on the same cycle for awhile. My poor father would just camp in the basement until it was over. It was the only way to survive.
Well I must say that is a wonderful poem...as a woman i HATE having my fucking period...but my boyfriend knows that when it's gone i want to have sex till i can't move :D. He he counts the down the days and tries not to piss me off, and in the end he gets a very nice payoff.
I am a girl and...REALLY??? you wrote that poem??? yea, i know that youre thinking that im saying to you that boys are immature.Yea. Thanks. I didnt mean that though, yea, i hate tampons too,OK?
My mom, sister, and I all flush. This still doesn't end awkward discoveries. If one of us forgets to flush, a poor soul will find a bloody floater. Not fun.....
Great, now my favorite poem is about a tampon...
truly tickled...gracias!
I don't get my period - boy am I lucky!
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