Have you seen this piece called "Rules For Parents Of Daughters" that's been bouncing around the web over the last few weeks? It's from a blog called People I Want To Punch In The Throat and written by a woman known only as Jen. As the parent of a daughter, I can tell you that Jen's article was a thing of beauty--witty and wise and a wee bit belligerent all at once, a combination I heartily endorse.
If you haven't read the post, go do so now and then come back, because I'm adding a few of my own to the list. Take your time, I'll wait.
(whistling...)
Welcome back. Great post, eh? Here are my additions:
Teach your daughter that it is more important to be kind than cool. Encourage her to be that one kid in school who's nice to the outcasts instead of joining the tired chorus of haters just to be accepted. One thing I adore about my child is that she likes everyone equally--new kids, shy kids, weird kids, kids of all colors. She makes no distinction; she just likes people. Next year she will start junior high, where the children's own brutal and perverse caste system will begin to separate them into tidy little boxes from which few will ever escape. When that happens, I know she will remain one of those kids who ignores that crap and likes people for who they are. If not, I will beat her like a dog.
Teach your daughter to be her own person. She will be pushed hard to conform to what parents and teachers and friends and boys and society want her to be. Though some conforming is mandatory in civilized society, remind her to recognize and embrace what makes her unique.
Teach your daughter how to change a flat tire. It's not hard, and it beats standing by the side of the highway waiting for someone else to do it for you.
Teach your daughter to have dignity. Remember that thing called dignity? It's one part pride, one part discretion and one part modesty, and it's a rarity anymore. Dignity is having the class to keep your private life private, and the self-respect to care about how you look, speak and act in public.
Teach your daughter that her virginity is a badge of honor, not shame. We get so many questions here that say, "I'm 22 and a virgin. What's wrong with me?" Nothing! You respect yourself enough not to give it up to the first guy who asks for it. And they will ask for it. But they will secretly respect you when you say no.
Teach your daughter that actions have consequences, good and bad. The hardest thing a parent will ever do is watch his child suffer the consequences of a bad choice, but we must. It's how they learn to make better ones. The greatest thing is to watch them be rewarded by the consequences of a good decision.
Teach your daughter not to be anybody's fallback. One day last fall my child told me that a boy in her class said he might ask her to a school dance. Might? First he was asking two other girls, she explained, but if they both turned him down, he would take my daughter instead. Nuh uh. That's not how it works, Romeo. I told her, "If he wants to take you, he can ask you first. Otherwise, tell him no thanks."
Your turn. What do you think we should teach our daughters?
If you haven't read the post, go do so now and then come back, because I'm adding a few of my own to the list. Take your time, I'll wait.
(whistling...)
Welcome back. Great post, eh? Here are my additions:
Teach your daughter that it is more important to be kind than cool. Encourage her to be that one kid in school who's nice to the outcasts instead of joining the tired chorus of haters just to be accepted. One thing I adore about my child is that she likes everyone equally--new kids, shy kids, weird kids, kids of all colors. She makes no distinction; she just likes people. Next year she will start junior high, where the children's own brutal and perverse caste system will begin to separate them into tidy little boxes from which few will ever escape. When that happens, I know she will remain one of those kids who ignores that crap and likes people for who they are. If not, I will beat her like a dog.
Teach your daughter to be her own person. She will be pushed hard to conform to what parents and teachers and friends and boys and society want her to be. Though some conforming is mandatory in civilized society, remind her to recognize and embrace what makes her unique.
Teach your daughter how to change a flat tire. It's not hard, and it beats standing by the side of the highway waiting for someone else to do it for you.
Teach your daughter to have dignity. Remember that thing called dignity? It's one part pride, one part discretion and one part modesty, and it's a rarity anymore. Dignity is having the class to keep your private life private, and the self-respect to care about how you look, speak and act in public.
Teach your daughter that her virginity is a badge of honor, not shame. We get so many questions here that say, "I'm 22 and a virgin. What's wrong with me?" Nothing! You respect yourself enough not to give it up to the first guy who asks for it. And they will ask for it. But they will secretly respect you when you say no.
Teach your daughter that actions have consequences, good and bad. The hardest thing a parent will ever do is watch his child suffer the consequences of a bad choice, but we must. It's how they learn to make better ones. The greatest thing is to watch them be rewarded by the consequences of a good decision.
Teach your daughter not to be anybody's fallback. One day last fall my child told me that a boy in her class said he might ask her to a school dance. Might? First he was asking two other girls, she explained, but if they both turned him down, he would take my daughter instead. Nuh uh. That's not how it works, Romeo. I told her, "If he wants to take you, he can ask you first. Otherwise, tell him no thanks."
Your turn. What do you think we should teach our daughters?
These are things that I value and that I try and teach my daughter to value as well. Sometimes I look at kids and thinkn it's hopeless. Imagine the pride I felt wwhen I went on a field trip with my daughter's second grade class last week and one little girl reinforced for me that I am doing something right.
As I walked with the line of kids, this little girl began to tell me how smart my daughter is. I told her thanks for telling me, but that all the kids have their own areas of strength. She insisted that although this is true, my daughter is smarter and nicer than any of the kids she's met. She told me that she never starts fights, she helps her classmates, and that she is friendly to everyone, "even me," she said. I was almost in tears that day :)
Thanks for posting this WA. We as parents need to do more to ensure that all nof our children are the best people they can possible be.
I love the changing a tire one. My dad taught me to change a tire and change my oil.
Your list combined with the other list covers pretty much everything for girls.
I'd add these two things:
1. Know how to be safe when you're out. My mom and dad taught me so many rules for when I was out alone during college. Park under street lamp so your car is well seen. Walk with your head up and look people in the eye. Safety in numbers. Always let someone know where you're going and who you're going with and what time you expect to be home. Always keep your drink in your hand and your eyes on it so people don't drug it. That's good info for all kids, but girls especially.
2. Stop being competitive with other women! I know so many women who hate other women. Stop it. Be nice. They have just as many insecurities as you do. Be happy in their successes and celebrate with them and be a shoulder to cry on when they're down. Don't talk smack behind their back. Learn what it means to be a true friend to other women.
That's all I can think of for now, but I'm sure there's more. :)
My parents have been amazing at these lessons. I'm 23 and I like to think I turned out pretty well so far. I have to say though, there is a severe lack of dignity in this world. I have a good friend that needs that lesson so badly right now. Nothing I say seems to help.
Thank you for writing this!
I think we could teach our sons these things just as well. My son embodies the qualities of dignity, acceptance, and self-respect. At almost 22, he is still a virgin and is not ashamed of it. It isn't for religious reasons--we're pretty well agnostic. It isn't because he's unattractive or heinously socially awkward. It is because he is more concerned with getting the certifications that will enable him to make a good living earlier rather than later and being romantically involved would take his energies away from those pursuits. As for casual sex, which supposedly every guy in the world wants, my son has expressed that he'd rather not waste his time on someone that he wouldn't want to be in a long term relationship with. When young people think this way, it gives me a little hope for our messed up world.
I agree with The Real Cie. Change the word "daughters" to "children", and that's pretty spot on. Part of the infuriating thing about the original is that it splits people into men and women, girls and boys, when there's just no need to seperate them in terms of the life skills they both need to know.
And it does ridiculously ignorant things, like assume that all boys are going to want to have sex with all girls, and all of the girls are going to want to wait, and never pressure the boys. And that's just wrong on all accounts. All these things happen both ways, and all of them need to be taught to all sexes and genders. :)
Of course most of these can apply to both genders. However, I wrote it as a companion piece to the previous post about daughters, and with my own daughter in mind. No one's assuming anything about boys and girls--like all Guyspeak posts, it's aimed at the broadest audience. There are always exceptions, of course, which is why I never say "all boys" or "all girls."
Yeeees... But saying "girls should", linguistically, that's exactly the same as saying "all girls should". I know there's no evil sexism here, but if that's not what you want to imply, then the wording needs a little tweaking. And the fact that you've written it as a companion piece instead of writing that it really could be about both genders, was your choice in the first place.
Though I am curious to know what you think just applies to girls on that list, genuinely, as you used the word "most".
And curious you shall remain, as I'm not having this debate with you, nor am I changing the wording of my piece. You may interpret the article however you like. Thanks for reading.
Fair enough. If you won't debate, there's no point continuing with it. I didn't ask you to actually change the wording, only pointed out to you that if that's not what you're trying to say, then those aren't the words you should use. If you want to keep using them, then you'll keep on having people like me misinterpreting what you're saying. I'm an editor. *shrug* Clarity is important to me.
It strikes me as odd that you'll take the time to write that you don't want to write a response, and not actually respond. Maybe you're imagining me furious with rage, or something, when really I just like a good healthy debate, especially with people who think differently to me. I love having my mind changed with intelligent thought :) I do like this site, and I do like your writing, but it would be nice to engage on the subject you yourself have brought up.
Love this!!!
Here's one: When other girls tease you or make fun of you, that means they are jealous of something you have.
I also think that making sure your kids learn the value of negative consequences is the most difficult but one of the most important steps. It's as rough on me to deny my kids something fun, or to take away their gadgets when they mess up, but they have to learn the value of a consequence. It builds character.
I am a personal friend of Jen the Punch in the Throat blogger and I wanted to point out she also wrote a post about things to teach our sons. It does need to be a seperate list because there are gender differences. If you don't believe that read the post Jen wrote about the family who hid their child's gender from even the grandparents for years!
Even if there is a difference (which not everyone believes there is; I don't) then that doesn't mean that the lists should be different. Boys should know how to refuse sex when they don't want it, and understand periods and hormones and things, just as much as a girl needs to know how to embrace sex safely if she wants it and how to change a tyre and all that.
There might be differences between the genders, in your opinion, but that doesn't mean there should be different lessons for both. :) Everything that makes good people good people is important.
There are gender differences. Males and females carry out different functions during procreation. Males and females have physiological anatomical differences. It is, "logical", therefore to conclude males and females will have differences in psychology. The animal kingdom, particularly the mammal class, are chock full of scientifically verified observations of hardwired differences.
Sorry, but your anecdotal example does not disprove 200+ years of zoological, psychological, and biological theoretical buildup. Nothing is 100% universal, even gravity is suspected to have exceptions. Further, humans are sentient, we can choose to override our genetic pre-inclinations.
Obviously you have an issue with the idea of gender differences. Let me spell it out for you. Differences do not denote good/bad, better/worse, superior/inferior, merely differences, differences that I might add have allowed the human species to become the overwhelmingly dominant lifeform on this world.
Regardless of what your preferences are; this blog was written from a father's point of view for his daughter.
As you have stated, everyone is entitled to their own opinions, and in this case; you're defending against opinion (which is a waste of time and a complete double standard by what you are preaching).
Even though I enjoy debate as much as the next person, there's a difference between bringing constructive criticism into a post; and being a troll.
This was not a personal blog to target you, nor was it a statement of fact for the rules of how to raise your children, Mr. Wise-Ass here is simply sharing something he was impressed by and then adding his two cents into it.
Yes, You are adding your two cents as well..(in addition to the 10's, 20's and 100's); however, you have done it in a complete lack of respect for the author of this blog as well as anyone else that has an opinion that differs from yours.
Editor, eh? Must have a good bit of work going on right now if you have the time to troll general blogs and red pen them to death.
And I read that blog post. It doesn't prove or disprove anything. It's a woman's opinion, one very different from my own. I don't believe at all that people are "hard-wired" into their gender, as the writer does. Logically, I CAN'T believe it, because I personally had a gender-neutral upbringing and now I'm gender neutral. If I were "hard-wired" to be a "girl" (whatever THAT means, but let's just assume it's in the "traditional" sense) then I would have been become that by now. *shrug* I like science, and evidence, and rational thought, and her blog, while interesting, isn't really any of those things, so it's not really appropriate to refer to as "if you don't believe that, look at this", because it's all conjecture.
So you're like... Pat?
I agree with your list except for the virginity one -- I would rather teach my daughter how to say no, if she wants, or how to say yes safely, if she wants. Rather than making virginity a good thing or a bad thing, I'd rather make it just a descriptive term -- someone who's never been skydiving before may be a 'non-skydiver,' but there shouldn't be any shame in the term. I hope my daughters will be mature and confident enough to not feel disparaged for their sexual choices, and that I'll be a good enough mom to teach them how to make safe ones.
Love this list. Especially Virginity as a Badge of Honor. As a parent, I can only hope my daughter WAITS until SHE is ready but realistically it will be entirely up to her. Some girls have sex as early as 14(!) and there is nothing wrong with that IF they can handle whatever happens afterwards. Given the chance, kids don't know and race to cross the finish line. So many STDs to catch. Later is better speaking as a parent...
I agree with you, but that's not what I meant. I'm talking about young women who are ashamed of being virgins when others their age are not, or girls who are being pressured at too young an age to be sexually active. Are you going to teach a 12-year-old "how to say yes, safely, if she wants"? Like it or not, in some instances virginity is a good thing.
Then maybe that's what you should have written? These blanket statements are doing you no favours today, it seems. If you're talking about a particular kind of girl or woman, say so. You can't just mention being 22 and a virgin, then write statements that apply to any age, like "It is a badge of honor" and that waiting is about "respecting yourself". Both of those are highly black and white statements, and certainly don't hold true for everyone, but you've treated them as though they are fact, for all women, at all times.
And I'm sure that's not what you meant, but again, linguistically, that's literally what you wrote. It's so important to be clear about it, or your comments will be filled with things like this. And you seem to think you are being clear, or that things are "obvious", but for them to be obvious to a reader, you need to write them down.
Please see this as genuinely trying to help you convey yourself effectively. It is important to use the right words, if you don't want people to misinterpret your words, as they/we clearly are doing.
Great list, Cary!
I think daughters (especially daughters) should know the importance of honesty and being up-front with people. If one communicates clearly from the beginning and doesn't play head games, things are SO much easier. My guy friends taught me this one and it's helped in all areas of my life.
Ok you seriously need to get off your high horse. No matter how a sentence is "linguistically" or "literally" phrased, there is always a chance of misinterpretation. Since you so condescendingly insist on reducing words to singular meanings, I could gladly point you in the direction of scholarly semiotics theories and debates - Baudrillard would be a good place to start - that all disprove your point (in fact, they squash it flat) without the need for Cary to defend his statements.
Normally she's not this confrontational but today she seems itching for a fight.
I had sex at 14 and I was prepared for it, enjoyed it, and have never regretted my decision. I'm confident and very comfortable with myself and I was then too. I think if my daughter is mature enough and has the wherewithal after puberty to make that decision that I'd be there for her. Everyone matures at different rates, though; many people aren't ready until 16 or 18 or 22 and that's okay too. I know I wasn't ready at 12, but I don't really feel qualified to say that no one is, even though I think most people aren't.
Good. Then don't say that.
Great blog post, and I agree with all of your additions, Cary. I think I might add that it would be a good idea to teach girls (and boys, too) how to be financially responsible and independent. Parents need to teach them when they are quite young to save their pennies and nickels in a piggy bank and later help them open their own savings account at the bank. As they get older, teach them how to use a checkbook and how to fill out a tax form. I think we should teach them how to budget and when and if they should use a credit card versus cash and so on. Encouraging them to have jobs like delivering a paper route and babysitting and other such jobs when they are young helps them get a jump start on learning money management and on becoming responsible adults too. Girls should be encouraged to get a good education, follow their own career dreams, develop their own credit scores, and be sure that they can support themselves financially, whether or not they are married.
Never, never give up. This is something my father instilled in me for as long as I can remember. He has always said "You can accomplish anything you want to, and be anyone you want to be. As long as you are actively working towards a goal, there is no such thing as failure. Failure is when you give up." That has been my life motto and kept me going through many a difficult tasks.
Fabulous! Love it!!
My mom taught me sefl-respect, my dad taught me never to let any man treat me with less than the resepct that I deserve, then he taught me how to defend myself in a car and out of one with nothing more than my bare hands.
If I had a daughter I would have taught her that 1) there is no such thing as free 2) always know you can support yourself financially 3) if sounds too good to be true, it probably is.
Awesome follow-up to the original post! I would add that you should teach your daughter how to use a wide variety of tools in addition to changing a tire. I think I've had maybe 2 flat tires in my lifetime but the need to use a tool comes up on a pretty regular basis.
FINANCE. Teach your daughter how the market works. Teach her how money and the economy work. This is not to be materialistic in any way, but I really wish someone had taught it to me, because it's really useful. I could be wrong, but I feel like guys are taught finance from a young age without question, while parents don't remember that their daughters are going to need the knowledge as well.
Also, humor. Teach your daughter how to be funny, how not to be afraid of shocking people when she needs to. I think men have something of a monopoly on shocking or gross humor, and I don't see why that should be so.