As Guyspeak's only dad* panelist, I feel that it's my duty to talk to you about Father's Day, which arrives this year on June 20 -- two weeks from yesterday.
People always talk about how hard it is to buy gifts for their dads, and I won't disagree. I've spent many years struggling to come up with clever gift ideas for my father, a man who, like most his age, will just go out and buy whatever he needs. Guys like this leave their children few gift options, so they're the ones who end up with radio-controlled cars and massage chairs and other shit nobody wants.
I guess my dad got tired of his children wasting money on bad gifts, because about five years ago he made it known that he was only interested in homemade gifts henceforth. Homemade? Yeah, no prob, Dad. You know I'm, like, grown up and stuff, right? So I'm all out of popsicle sticks and glitter. But hey, I'll just run down to Michael's and get some materials to make you a pretty picture frame. I'll sign my name on back in finger paint, too.
So, yeah, shopping for your dad is hard, I know. But I'm here to help. You have to narrow down your list, and you can start by skipping all of these:
1) Overpriced gadgetry
You know those places in the mall like Brookstone and The Sharper Image that like to load up the entrance to their stores with a bunch of crap that's flying and spinning and buzzing? Yeah, keep walking. We don't want that junk. Last Father's Day my wife bought me one of those digital picture frames, bless her heart. Took me two hours to get it working and took only two days before it died.
2) Anything labeled "As Seen On TV"
There's a reason certain products are only seen on TV: no legitimate store will touch them with a ten-foot ginsu knife. Why? Because they're crap, that's why. Seriously, would you want a Slap-Chop or Ab Roller or Clapper or Upside-Down tomato planter? Neither do we.
3) Anything labeled "Great Gifts For Dad"
Mall department stores love to cram their already-narrow aisles with stuff that's great for the mailman or kids with tumors or white-elephant gift exchanges with co-workers you hate, but not so great for Dad. Thanks, but we already have gloves, socks, belts, a wallet, an umbrella, a shoe-shine kit and a desk organizer, and we don't really need a gold money clip (what are we, pimps?) or a miniature electronic poker game.
4) Equipment for a new hobby
Your dad's what, in his 60s at least, right? Maybe in his 70s. That archery set might have looked cool at the Walmarts, but if your dad hasn't picked up a bow in his 70 years, he's not going to start now. Same goes for fishing, bowling, golf, hang-gliding, rock-climbing, squash, scuba or jai alai, too.
5) Anything that requires feeding or medical care
It took him 20 years to get your ass out of the house; your pop doesn't want a puppy, trust me.
So what, then? What should you get him?
There's one thing that dads want, and it doesn't cost a dime: time with his kids, i.e. you. I'm not kidding. He wants to spend time with you. Isn't that what Father's Day is all about? It's not about gifts, I assure you.
So take the old guy to the cafeteria for lunch or to see that new movie with all the blue people in it. If you can't do that, at least call him. He won't be around forever. You'll make his day, and you'll be glad you spent time with him while you had the chance.
Happy Father's Day.
* Dad, not dead. That honor belongs to The Cheater, who would've been Guyspeak panelist #7 had his wife not killed him in his sleep just weeks before the site launched.
People always talk about how hard it is to buy gifts for their dads, and I won't disagree. I've spent many years struggling to come up with clever gift ideas for my father, a man who, like most his age, will just go out and buy whatever he needs. Guys like this leave their children few gift options, so they're the ones who end up with radio-controlled cars and massage chairs and other shit nobody wants.
I guess my dad got tired of his children wasting money on bad gifts, because about five years ago he made it known that he was only interested in homemade gifts henceforth. Homemade? Yeah, no prob, Dad. You know I'm, like, grown up and stuff, right? So I'm all out of popsicle sticks and glitter. But hey, I'll just run down to Michael's and get some materials to make you a pretty picture frame. I'll sign my name on back in finger paint, too.
So, yeah, shopping for your dad is hard, I know. But I'm here to help. You have to narrow down your list, and you can start by skipping all of these:
1) Overpriced gadgetry
You know those places in the mall like Brookstone and The Sharper Image that like to load up the entrance to their stores with a bunch of crap that's flying and spinning and buzzing? Yeah, keep walking. We don't want that junk. Last Father's Day my wife bought me one of those digital picture frames, bless her heart. Took me two hours to get it working and took only two days before it died.
2) Anything labeled "As Seen On TV"
There's a reason certain products are only seen on TV: no legitimate store will touch them with a ten-foot ginsu knife. Why? Because they're crap, that's why. Seriously, would you want a Slap-Chop or Ab Roller or Clapper or Upside-Down tomato planter? Neither do we.
3) Anything labeled "Great Gifts For Dad"
Mall department stores love to cram their already-narrow aisles with stuff that's great for the mailman or kids with tumors or white-elephant gift exchanges with co-workers you hate, but not so great for Dad. Thanks, but we already have gloves, socks, belts, a wallet, an umbrella, a shoe-shine kit and a desk organizer, and we don't really need a gold money clip (what are we, pimps?) or a miniature electronic poker game.
4) Equipment for a new hobby
Your dad's what, in his 60s at least, right? Maybe in his 70s. That archery set might have looked cool at the Walmarts, but if your dad hasn't picked up a bow in his 70 years, he's not going to start now. Same goes for fishing, bowling, golf, hang-gliding, rock-climbing, squash, scuba or jai alai, too.
5) Anything that requires feeding or medical care
It took him 20 years to get your ass out of the house; your pop doesn't want a puppy, trust me.
So what, then? What should you get him?
There's one thing that dads want, and it doesn't cost a dime: time with his kids, i.e. you. I'm not kidding. He wants to spend time with you. Isn't that what Father's Day is all about? It's not about gifts, I assure you.
So take the old guy to the cafeteria for lunch or to see that new movie with all the blue people in it. If you can't do that, at least call him. He won't be around forever. You'll make his day, and you'll be glad you spent time with him while you had the chance.
Happy Father's Day.
* Dad, not dead. That honor belongs to The Cheater, who would've been Guyspeak panelist #7 had his wife not killed him in his sleep just weeks before the site launched.
This cracked me up mostly because outside in our backyard my father has his upside down tomato planter set up, which he bought himself
It's a shame about The Cheater, but I think his wife did him a favor. The ladies here on GS don't have much use for cheaters from what I've read; they would've made mince meat of him. ;)
Funny post, and true. I would give anything to be able to spend another day with my dad (who passed away), but I don't really miss trying to buy him gifts. Oddly enough the last gift I gave him was one of those digital photo frames, which he claimed to love even though it's basically the same thing that your computer screen saver will do for free!
Happy Father's Day to you, Guyspeak's resident Dad! Hope your ladies treat you well.
I'm pretty sure my dad's favorite moments with me were just hanging out on the deck and sipping a drink, looking at the constellations, or shooting the breeze.
We're definitely beyond crappy gifts.
Some of the best times with my Dad were sitting on the porch swing listening to him tell me his stories and jokes. He loved to laugh, and hearing him laugh always made me laugh.
Happy Father's Day to you, Cary! :-)
P.S. My husband got me a digital picture frame for Mother's Day last year. I haven't got it to work right yet! HA HA HA! =)
I like to send my dad updated pictures of me and my kiddo for Father's Day. I've looked the same for like, years, but my kiddo looks different almost every three months (especially when she loses another tooth). My dad gets a total kick out of it. We live 800 miles apart, so it's not like I can just drop by and see how he's doing. Love unlimited long-distance on the phone!!!
Happy Father's Day to all the dads (or dads-to-be)!!! You're more important than you know. I love you, Dad!
Excellent advice, Cary.
I cook my dad's favorite meal on Father's Day: country fried steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, and banana pudding. He gets to eat it on a tray, in his Lazy-Boy in front of whatever sporting event he's watching. He looks forward to that every year.
Seeing all the grandkids always makes him happy, too, so I try to make that happen. The last thing he needs is another coin sorter, back massager, or Big Mouth Billy Bass.
I totally agree with this. Slightly different, but for my Dad's 70th birthday my Brother and I stayed at my parents house. Doesn't sound much but it was the first time we had all slept under the same roof for 18 years (Don't get me wrong, we spend time together but not always the four of us together). He was so touched he cried. Now my brother and I make sure just the four of us (without partners and my bro's kids) spend at least one weekend a year together. I love it (to add to the story they adopted my brother and I 35 years ago this year - We couldn't love them more if we tried). Time is the most special gift you can give. Always do it generously.
You are right Cary. A couple fathers days ago I took my dad to see the Moody Blues. Hadn't seen them since 1973. He loved it.
My parents got me a digital picture frame for my 21st birthday and placed in it (almost literally) digital copies of every picture taken of me since birth. I loved it! I thought it was a great gift, and it works fine! I think you just got really unlucky.
Looking for something new to do for Dad for Father's Day?
Does he like fishing? Check out our special we have for the main man in your life at
letsgooutdoorstexas.com
Thanks for the advice on great gifts for dad. I recently saw the movie Wall Street and it had a similar theme about how the most important part of it all is having the time to spend with people you care about. Good suggestions in this article.