Food & Fitness

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A Superbowl Guide For The Football-Ignorant (By The Football-Ignorant)

As you may be aware, a very important weekend is just around the corner. That's right, it's the weekend my gas mower finally comes back from the shop! Boy, I'm going to be mowing up a STORM. Grass better WATCH...

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New Years' Resolutions: What's Left

We run a pretty tight ship here at Guyspeak. Our blogging schedules are strictly regulated, our answers edited and re-edited by a team of psychiatrically-trained Pulitzer Prize-winners, and our damp shavings are changed regularly. The only downside of this life...

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So You're Fat

There's one question I seem to get more than any other, and it goes essentially like this:"Hey Funny Guy, I'm one of our nation's many fat persons. However, I also enjoy sex and, by extension, being loved. How do I...

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Don't Order That Salad!

Whatever you do, don't order a salad on a first date. I fear that women feel pressured to peck, nibble, and suckle on leafy greens, because they think they're being judged. Trust me, dudes can see the mozzarella stick lust...

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Why Dating Now Sucks Compared To Dating In 2525

As the forward march of human progress has ground inevitably on (okay, there was that one backslide during the Dark Ages), one thing has remained constant: everyone wants to kiss each other, and yet for SOME reason society demands that...

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No, I Won't Dress Up For Halloween

I cannot stand dressing up for Halloween. It's a holiday for children and for women. Little kids get to stuff their fat little piranha mouths with candy (candy corn is the worst sweet ever -- sad little teardrops of corn...

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On The "Sexual Set-Point"

If you want to live a long time, the best plan science has to offer (at least until cryogenics technology takes off) is called the CRON diet. It's not nearly as interesting as an anti-aging ray or anything; it stands...

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My Dogs Eat Better Than I Do

The epiphany hit me this morning. I had just finished measuring precise amounts of brewer's yeast and cider vinegar to ladle over the warm mound of yogurt, brown rice and steel cut oats in the bowl on the kitchen counter....

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On Slowly Learning To Cook

As I'll probably mention frequently on this blog, my wife is in medical school. I write comedy on the Internet. This relationship dynamic has several immediate impacts on my life. Firstly, I live with the humbling knowledge that there will...

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