We run a pretty tight ship here at Guyspeak. Our blogging schedules are strictly regulated, our answers edited and re-edited by a team of psychiatrically-trained Pulitzer Prize-winners, and our damp shavings are changed regularly. The only downside of this life of discipline is the fact that, as the Friday blogger, most of the good stuff I was planning on blogging about is usually taken, forcing me to fashion insight and brilliance out of pure innovation and creative power. I call this process "eating their filthy scraps." Bracing, isn't it?
So here are the New Years' Resolutions I recommend you make (not counting stuff about how to avoid bad guys, find good guys, have sex so good that the Cosmo offices burst into flame, or any of the hundred things in Cary's grab bag of feel-goodery). Hey Cary, you ever hear that song "Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)?" I BELIEVE YOU HAVE.
1. You're All Fat. And so am I. Let's work on that.2. Get Rid Of The Spiders In Your Ear. No guy wants to date a chick with spiders in her ear. What are you even thinking? Get yourself down to an Egg-B-Gone (you can find one in most strip malls) and ask for the "spray/rooter combo." Tell them Mike sent you. If I refer ten people, I get a free de-webbing!
3. Look At More Pictures Of Puppies. Well, you've kept to that resolution so far. Congrats! Stick with it. It's a grueling hardship, and the reward is minimal, but the puppies will thank you for it.
4. Develop Discipline. Did you know that if you can stick to something regularly for just two weeks, it officially becomes a habit? Try it with cleaning fish; you'll be amazed at the results (and the stench!).
5. Try Not To Let Your Blog Get Away From You. I don't know if you all even HAVE blogs, but if you do, try not to just ramble on about nonsense. There's no real way out, so you end up becoming really meta and then just trying to dig yourself out with some funny-sounding words or a lame poke at a news-worthy celebrity.
And speaking of pokes, I think TIGER WOODS knows what I'm talking about!
6. Carbuncle Wiggleshrimp.
awwww puppies!
"Everybody's Free to Wear Sunscreen"
Wow, that is like the most obscure one-hit-wonder right there. Wasn't that by the director Baz Luhrmann? And some nobody DJ took his college graduation speech and put a generic beat under it? That was all the rage back in 1999 or so.
I'm going back to bed, because there is no way I'm topping that obscure reference today.
I think Baz Luhrmann was part of the creative process for that song but yes it was his speech. He released a CD of different songs and mixes from his movies and I actually own it...weird I know. He's an interesting character, I actually found out about him from his Australian movie called Strictly Ballroom...yep it's about ballroom dancing...yep it's cooky...yep I like it.
What??? He has a whole CD?? I must own this. To eBay or Amazon marketplace!
Thanks Mike,
I'm definitely going to carbuncle wiggleshrimp this year! #3 reminded me of my waitressing days, when a customer asked me to poll all of the female waitresses and patrons about whether they would visit a website that solely posted photos of babies, puppies, and John Cusak. The response was a resounding, "HECK YEAH!" About a year later, that awful, insipid romance flick about Diane Lane on a quest to find someone to love her and her dog was released. I suspect my customer had something to do with it. Had I known that's where his survey was leading, I never would have helped him. I think I'm beginning to ramble here, but that's what this blog post is all about, isn't it?
"Do NOT read beauty magazines-they will only make you feel ugly." Possibly the best advice I have ever received...well...until the launch of this website, of course. Thanks to Baz for the song, and to Swaim for reminding me of it.
best resolutions ever..
The ending made me laugh out loud in class. I love you