In an effort to hide who I really am, I've decided to start exercising again and lose some of my joy-pounds. To do so, my primary method is tackling the quite scenic five mile hike near our house. It's a lovely mix of chaparral, scrub forest and being steep as a motherfucker.
That last part has forced me to resort to the most cowardly of vices: self-encouragement. Basically, I keep a running monologue in my head about how great I am, and how I'm totally owning the mountain. You know, like what a crazy person says, but most of us just think.
And since I'm nothing if not a fitness trainer, I thought it'd be worthwhile to share some of the mental nuggets that caused direct, real-world results. Use these at your own peril.
"It's like my legs are my arms, and I'm punching the mountain in the head over and over again. TAKE IT MOUNTAIN." (Begin stomping as I walk)
"Look at that little kid ahead of you. A cougar is about to leap at him from the ridge! SAVE THE LITTLE KID!" (Scream in alarm and dive ahead, remembering not to actually hit the little kid this time)
"Hey ugly...I'm outta here." (Begin jogging...UPHILL?!)
"Are you really going to let this fat guy pass you? He looks like the Michelin Man. He's such a big, stupid, pile of lard, and he's passing you." (Punch fat man in shoulder, hiss, run ahead)
"If you get to the top, I'll reward you with ice cream. Wait, you don't have ice cream! You calling me a liar?!" (Fight self, remember ice cream reference for later callback joke)
"Wait, you mean this is THE 'vagina mountain?'" (Sprint to top, hump ground. Note, this technique becomes somewhat less effective with age)
"Everything below me is lava, and it's rising!" (Weep for lost loved ones, collapse in despair)
"I'll defeat this hike if it's the last thing I ever do. I'll walk and walk and never stop until my legs are worn down to bony knee-nubs. And then I'll hobble along on my nubs, until THOSE are worn down. And then I'll crawl. And when I die of exposure, starvation, infection or stabbing, I'll just sit there on the side of the mountain and ROT. And when the vultures have picked my flesh, my bones shall spell 'fuck you,' and a mighty wind will BLOW THEM TO THE PEAK. And once at the peak, I shall--Oh, I'm done hiking!" (Remember I was lying about the ice cream, collapse in despair)
That last part has forced me to resort to the most cowardly of vices: self-encouragement. Basically, I keep a running monologue in my head about how great I am, and how I'm totally owning the mountain. You know, like what a crazy person says, but most of us just think.
And since I'm nothing if not a fitness trainer, I thought it'd be worthwhile to share some of the mental nuggets that caused direct, real-world results. Use these at your own peril.
"It's like my legs are my arms, and I'm punching the mountain in the head over and over again. TAKE IT MOUNTAIN." (Begin stomping as I walk)
"Look at that little kid ahead of you. A cougar is about to leap at him from the ridge! SAVE THE LITTLE KID!" (Scream in alarm and dive ahead, remembering not to actually hit the little kid this time)
"Hey ugly...I'm outta here." (Begin jogging...UPHILL?!)
"Are you really going to let this fat guy pass you? He looks like the Michelin Man. He's such a big, stupid, pile of lard, and he's passing you." (Punch fat man in shoulder, hiss, run ahead)
"If you get to the top, I'll reward you with ice cream. Wait, you don't have ice cream! You calling me a liar?!" (Fight self, remember ice cream reference for later callback joke)
"Wait, you mean this is THE 'vagina mountain?'" (Sprint to top, hump ground. Note, this technique becomes somewhat less effective with age)
"Everything below me is lava, and it's rising!" (Weep for lost loved ones, collapse in despair)
"I'll defeat this hike if it's the last thing I ever do. I'll walk and walk and never stop until my legs are worn down to bony knee-nubs. And then I'll hobble along on my nubs, until THOSE are worn down. And then I'll crawl. And when I die of exposure, starvation, infection or stabbing, I'll just sit there on the side of the mountain and ROT. And when the vultures have picked my flesh, my bones shall spell 'fuck you,' and a mighty wind will BLOW THEM TO THE PEAK. And once at the peak, I shall--Oh, I'm done hiking!" (Remember I was lying about the ice cream, collapse in despair)
Your mind works in much more interesting ways than mine. When Im jogging my mind is mostly thinking about how hot my head feels.
That last thought is awesome. You could be the Tony Little of hikers.
Can I get this in an audio format to put on my workout playlist? :)
I like to race random people when I go for walks. The trick is to be a ways behind them and go fast enough to get past them. It's still a sweet victory, even though they have no idea they are competing.
So great. I do the same when working out. Crazy mental motivation makes it fun and DOES help get you to the end. Keep up the good work! It's worth it.
sometimes i pretend leatherface is chasing me, which works well except when my knees go weak from terror. pretending to be in a nike commercial is fun, too.