One of the cornerstones of any strong relationship is communication. Merriam-Webster defines communication as "a process by which information is exchanged between individuals through a common system of symbols, signs, or behavior." They key term there is "information".
See, most effective communication includes information that both parties can use to improve the situation that they are in. Basically, communication allows the two people involved to understand one another better and work towards a common goal.
So why do so many people who spend so much time talking suck so much at communicating? Well its simply because so many of us confuse talking with communicating. And because I feel like using some generalizations, women are some of the biggest perpetrators of this fraud. See most of us menfolks will acknowledge that we suck at communicating. We hate talking about feelings and stuff that sounds mushy...which incidentally is the type of communication women want from us most. Not that it specifically helps push the relationship forward, but it does provide women with the peace of mind necessary to...um...feel comfortable enough to stick around.
Which again, isn't necessarily pushing any relationship forward.
Us menfolks like to talk about sports and music and cars and things that men talk about. The type of stuff that is fun but as soon as it comes to the nitty gritty, we find it hard to do...or at least with the people who could benefit the most: the women in our lives.
I can't tell you how many deep and indepth conversations I've had with my friends about how I feel or the place I'm at in my relationships and what I want out of life and who I want it with. Yet, when it has come time to talk to the woman in my life, I clam up.
Conversely, I know that women do a good job of talking to their friends about the same things and hashing things out, but maybe the frustration takes over when talking to us menfolks because a lot of talking at and upset projection tends to come our direction. Not that all women aren't good at communicating at all, but it has to be hard to effectively communicate when your partner isn't very good or putting up resistance.
Now, many of us in relationships talk to one another constantly, but we're not necessarily communicating. It's one of those areas where everybody can do better.
Talking isn't necessarily communicating. And that's something we could all stand to realize.
So why do so many people who spend so much time talking suck so much at communicating? Well its simply because so many of us confuse talking with communicating. And because I feel like using some generalizations, women are some of the biggest perpetrators of this fraud. See most of us menfolks will acknowledge that we suck at communicating. We hate talking about feelings and stuff that sounds mushy...which incidentally is the type of communication women want from us most. Not that it specifically helps push the relationship forward, but it does provide women with the peace of mind necessary to...um...feel comfortable enough to stick around.
Which again, isn't necessarily pushing any relationship forward.
Us menfolks like to talk about sports and music and cars and things that men talk about. The type of stuff that is fun but as soon as it comes to the nitty gritty, we find it hard to do...or at least with the people who could benefit the most: the women in our lives.
I can't tell you how many deep and indepth conversations I've had with my friends about how I feel or the place I'm at in my relationships and what I want out of life and who I want it with. Yet, when it has come time to talk to the woman in my life, I clam up.
Conversely, I know that women do a good job of talking to their friends about the same things and hashing things out, but maybe the frustration takes over when talking to us menfolks because a lot of talking at and upset projection tends to come our direction. Not that all women aren't good at communicating at all, but it has to be hard to effectively communicate when your partner isn't very good or putting up resistance.
Now, many of us in relationships talk to one another constantly, but we're not necessarily communicating. It's one of those areas where everybody can do better.
Talking isn't necessarily communicating. And that's something we could all stand to realize.
So do guys want to communicate and not feel comfortable doing it or just like to pretend everything will be ok and get better on it's own? The key is no pressure right?
Great article, Panama! The only thing I'd add, and this is from my own humble experience garnered from past relationships, is that if what you're offering your partner is frank communication, then you need to stress to them that active listening is part of that. I can honestly say that in the past I've had a knack for choosing men that love to hear themselves speak -- great talkers, but horrible communicators and listeners. What I said, and what they chose to hear, often times were different things. In some cases, if they'd only stopped talking long enough to actively listen, they would have understood what I meant from the get go. Instead, I'd spend countless moments trying to get my point across until I was sure they knew what I was saying. Unsurprisingly, the other downfall that results from this sort of relationship dynamic is that because up to that point, I'd mostly dated "talkers", I had also learned how to tune them out to a degree. If we were in social situations, and they were holding court and on center stage, I'd sometimes let my thoughts wander or compose mental to-do lists until I heard their stories come to an end. When I started dating the man who is now my fiance', I recognized that I had to relearn how to listen better so that I could contribute more effectively to the relationship's health. Luckily for me, I found a guy who I didn't have to clue in to the difference between "hearing and listening" and who's a pretty darned good communicator, so for once I feel like we're both clearly getting our points across to each other.