Since it's "secrets" week here on GuySpeak, I figured I would come clean: I kind of have the hots for Roxxxy the Sex Robot. (Link slightly NSFW, since someone dressed the robot in human lingerie.) Perhaps you've heard about this newly unveiled abomination marvel of science that has been making waves on the Intertubes. Yes, Roxxxy is a "lifelike" sex doll, er, "true companion" created by designer/crazy person Douglas Hines. 

Roxxxy has sensors that respond to touch with cheesy lines straight out of a late-night Skinemax movie, and comes preloaded with "personas" like "Wild Wendy," "S&M Susan," "Frigid Farrah," and "Young." First of all, "Young" isn't a personality trait. Hines got lazy with that one. Second, he seems to have taken Roxxxy's personalities entirely from a 1970's issue of Playboy. Who is named Farrah these days?

And while in the past I've warned you about how the rise of sex robots could bring about the end of humanity, I must confess to a mild crush on Roxxxy. Perhaps it's the fact that she looks strangely like a cross between singer/songwriter Carly Simon and this girl I dated for like a week in college. But really, it's the curiosity factor. If science fiction (and the Jetsons) has taught me anything, it's that we will all be relying on robots to pump our gas, act as our butlers and/or maids and satisfy our every sexual need in the near future. It's already 2010, the "year we make contact." The future is now! Therefore, I might as well get the robot humping over with. I'll be like a pioneer, only instead of discovering a new land, I'll be plowing a hunk of metal and plastic.  

That said, several questions arise...

Could having sex with a robot be considered cheating? Surely my girlfriend would understand that rockin' the sheets with Roxxxy would be purely for journalistic purposes. Hey, it could probably be considered a tax write-off. Granted, Roxxxy does kind of look like a woman. (Or at least one insane person's idea of a woman, anyway.) But it's still a machine. Is it any different than having sex with, say, a Roomba?

How can I procure $7,000 to $9,000 to cover the cost of the robot, maintenance, laptop that connects to her back (sexy?) and regular software updates? Admittedly, this isn't an easy goal. Also, for that amount of money, I could probably build my own sex robot. Perhaps I could convince my GuySpeak overlords to add a little "tip jar" on the site for "Chic Geek's sex robot fund." I'm definitely going to bring that up at the next meeting.

Will Roxxxy electrocute me and/or blast me with her laser eyes? I am assuming she comes programmed with lasers. Why else would she cost so much?

Could I fall in love with Roxxxy? Or, more to the point, could she fall in love with me? Could I be so charming and handsome that I cause a robot to discover this thing we humans call love?

What if Roxxxy starts asking me about nuclear missile launch codes? Is this a bad sign? What if she's just curious about the inner workings of the Pentagon? It's important to encourage your significant other's interests. 
 
To make a weird story even weirder, Hines was inspired to create Roxxxy after losing a friend during 9/11. Congratulations, dude. You managed to make a creepy sex doll even creepier.

You know what? Forget this. I make it my sworn duty to destroy Roxxxy before she achieves sentience and takes over the world. But first I will seduce her. You know, to gain her trust.