Every year People Magazine's elite squadron of top minds picks the year's "Sexiest Man" based on a select set of criteria such as overall hunkiness, likeability and whether or not they've had a movie out in the past six months. This year, the winner is Magic Mike and 21 Jump Street star Channing "I totally used to be a male stripper, that's like my thing, bro" Tatum.
That sound you hear is everyone freaking out yet again that Ryan Gosling didn't make the cut.
Channing told People, "My first thought was, 'Y'all are messing with me...'" He then added, "Sick, bro! A magazine of people said I'm sexy!" I kid, I kid. He's probably not that dumb. Just because his head looks like it was sculpted out of Silly Putty doesn't mean we should make fun of him. And he's a perfectly competent actor, like a cross between Mark Wahlberg and the guy who played the blue Engineer alien in Prometheus.
Here's a look at the rest of the list with my snarky comments. Please share your picks for 2012's sexiest man (hint, his name rhymes with "Peak Greek") in the comments.
1. Channing Tatum - Between the Nicholas Sparks movies and Magic Mike, he certainly has some female fans. But did he save a woman's life like Ryan Gosling?
2. Blake Shelton - Eh, there's something shifty about that guy. Plus we all know the sexiest Voice judge is Cee Lo. That guy's like a real life Oompa Loompa.
3. Chris Hemsworth - No arguments here. Verily, Thor is the mightiest. Raise a glass of mead to Hemsworth!
4. Max Greenfield - Who? Oh, Schmidt on New Girl. Yeah, fine. He's funny enough, though he always annoyed me when he was on Veronica Mars.("Come on Verroonniica! I can't let you go into the file cabinet again. I'll lose my job!") Admittedly that one's on me.
5. Ben Affleck - Okay, here's where the list starts to break down into "who has the best PR team this year." Nothing on Affleck -- we all know he's handsome and he's proven to be a really great director. But you cannot tell me he was sexy in Argo with that '70s haircut. Great movie, but come on now.
6. Richard Gere - Again, this list is basically "who is in a movie right now." I know three people who saw Arbitrage. Two of them are Richard Gere and Susan Sarandon and the other one is my mom. Okay, I know one person who saw Arbitrage...
7. Matt Bomer - I don't watch White Collar, but Suzy in GuySpeak's accounting department loves that show and assures me that Bomer is dreamy. Plus, it's nice they throw in a gay actor who's not Neil Patrick Harris.
8. Oscar Pistorius - I got nothing snarky to say here. He should be ahead of Tatum. Oscar competed in the Olympics sprinting competition as a double amputee. Meanwhile, Channing filmed GI Joe 2. No competition.
9. Denzel Washington - He was pretty great in Flight. Denzel always gets it done, even if this is another predictable choice.
10. Damian Lewis - Alright, finally we're getting into some new blood. Lewis is great on Homeland and he gets to achieve my 14-year-old self's dream of making out with Claire Danes.
11. Paul Rudd - Can't really argue with this one. Everyone likes Paul Rudd. See People, sometimes you can make the right choice. Now what about Gosling?
12. Bradley Cooper - Jumping Jupiter, People, didn't we go through this last year? Twice you pass over The Gos for Blandly Cooper. See what I did there?? Forget GuySpeak -- I should be writing for Mad Magazine.
What do you think of People's Sexiest Men of 2012?