Lemondrop alerted me to some phone apps that can save you from the crippling shame of drunk dialing. My favorite is the Don't Dial, which allows you to block the usual recipients of your drunk dials (or texts, or emails) for whatever period of time you chose. (I would imagine 2am to 4am is the most designated time.) You can even make a friend your "designated dialer" for the evening with a handy password feature. (Though hopefully your friend isn't going to prank call your boss or anything.)

While these apps are neat (there's even a phone with a built-in breathalyzer), here are a few other things that could benefit from a function that prevents you from using them while intoxicated.

Facebook
You've just come home from the bar. That last vodka soda was a bad idea, and you haven't eaten anything since lunch. Time to get on Facebook and look up old boyfriends. That always ends well. Or maybe you decide to leave a flirty message on your office crush's page. Whoops, every coworker you're friends with has now seen it. Facebook needs a "drunk app" that will pop up a bunch of warnings if you log on while hammered. "Are you sure you want to proceed? How much have you had to drink tonight? Do you really need to be looking up that guy you made out with once at a New Year's party in college? He probably has kids now."`

iTunes
I can't tell you how many times I've passed out drunk, only to wake up to find, say, the entire Toto catalog mysteriously downloaded to my iTunes. It must be elves. Elves who just have to have the live version of "Hold the Line."  

High School Yearbooks
Sure, leafing through old high school yearbooks while blitzed might start out as a harmless trip down memory lane. But pretty soon you're reliving old gym class traumas and wondering why Katie didn't write more on your senior page. Did she really hope you'd "stay sweet"? Seems pretty insincere. Time to look her up on Facebook and write something nasty on her page.  

Twitter
Twitter needs a "drunk app," if for no other reason than to reduce the number of "I'm so drunk right now!" Tweets. Though if you prevented people from Tweeting while drunk, the site would pretty much be a ghost town.

Boxes of Old Photos
Aww, look! It's a photo of you and your high school pals at an amusement park. That's nice. And there's your jerky ex whose photo you still keep for some reason. Better write him a long message on Facebook and open old wounds. And here's a picture of your mom holding you when you were a baby. And...here come the tears. 

Any album by Leonard Cohen
I'm not entirely sure how this app would work. Maybe your phone would fire an electrical pulse or something whenever you're within ten feet of a Cohen album while tipsy. I love Cohen as much as the next guy, but listening to "So Long Marianne" while loaded is a one-way ticket to cry-town. The app would also work for songs by Jeff Buckley, Nick Drake, and Kermit the Frog's rendition of "The Rainbow Connection." 
 
Domino's Pizza Tracker
Have you seen this thing? It's on Domino's website and gives you real-time updates as your pizza is being made. There's even an iPhone app for it.

What we need is an app that checks to see if you're sober enough to be ordering from Domino's. See below.  

"Your order has been placed. There is still time to turn back."

"Prep. Seriously, why are you paying $14 for cheesy tomato bread? Microwave a Hot Pocket and go to bed."

"Bake. There's still time to call and cancel! Do you really want to wake up next to a greasy Domino's box, the congealing cheese a reminder of the many, many mistakes you made last night?" 

"Quality check. This isn't actually happening. We just put this here for legal reasons."

"Out for delivery. It's not too late! Just don't answer the door. You're drunk, you passed out. Wait, what are you doing? Are you adding hot wings to your order?? No!!!!"