I remember exactly where I was when I heard the news: something Tiger Woods something something. It didn't really make a big impression at the time, but that could have been because I was strapped naked to a diving submarine (story for another day).
It was all so overwhelming and confusing. Tiger? Woods? There was just too much to process. Thankfully, this Chinese news program came along to make sense of it all. In case you're not as open to enlightenment as I am, I've provided a handy guide just below the video of the ten things you're clearly supposed to take away, with timecode!
Prepare to be newsed. China-style.
It was all so overwhelming and confusing. Tiger? Woods? There was just too much to process. Thankfully, this Chinese news program came along to make sense of it all. In case you're not as open to enlightenment as I am, I've provided a handy guide just below the video of the ten things you're clearly supposed to take away, with timecode!
Prepare to be newsed. China-style.
1. (0:13) There is no Chinese word for "Florida."
2. (0:16) Tiger Woods and his wife are not real people, but in fact Sims characters. This also explains the gibberish spoken throughout most of the video.
3. (0:17) When you explain something to a police officer over the phone, they psychically reconstruct the incident in their mind with perfect accuracy. That's why they're police officers.
4. (0:19) Tiger was thrown completely out of his car, and into a Cosby sweater, during the initial impact. He landed fully prone, thankfully unharmed, but totally silly-looking.
5. (0:24) The crash was so spectacular it caused manga-style "action spikes" to intrude from the edges of Tiger's vision.
6. (0:32) When she was unable to get an unconscious Tiger out of his car by yanking impotently on the handle, Elin decided to utilize her secret teleportation powers. Mission accomplished.
7. (0:50) Her teleportation powers discovered, the witch godess Elin is forced to defend herself from zooming cameras and dramatic musical cues.
8. (0:59) Or wait, I guess that was Tiger's girlfriend, because of the slap? I thought...see, this is why you don't ANIMATE THE NEWS.
9. (1:06) Oh, I get it! The whole accident was just an unfortunate attempt to recreate that scene in The Simpsons where Homer latches onto the back of Flanders' car with a golf club!
10. (1:27) TIGER WOODS IS NEO.
2. (0:16) Tiger Woods and his wife are not real people, but in fact Sims characters. This also explains the gibberish spoken throughout most of the video.
3. (0:17) When you explain something to a police officer over the phone, they psychically reconstruct the incident in their mind with perfect accuracy. That's why they're police officers.
4. (0:19) Tiger was thrown completely out of his car, and into a Cosby sweater, during the initial impact. He landed fully prone, thankfully unharmed, but totally silly-looking.
5. (0:24) The crash was so spectacular it caused manga-style "action spikes" to intrude from the edges of Tiger's vision.
6. (0:32) When she was unable to get an unconscious Tiger out of his car by yanking impotently on the handle, Elin decided to utilize her secret teleportation powers. Mission accomplished.
7. (0:50) Her teleportation powers discovered, the witch godess Elin is forced to defend herself from zooming cameras and dramatic musical cues.
8. (0:59) Or wait, I guess that was Tiger's girlfriend, because of the slap? I thought...see, this is why you don't ANIMATE THE NEWS.
9. (1:06) Oh, I get it! The whole accident was just an unfortunate attempt to recreate that scene in The Simpsons where Homer latches onto the back of Flanders' car with a golf club!
10. (1:27) TIGER WOODS IS NEO.
Wow, they know their animation!
Very helpful. Thanks for making sense of it all, Swaim.
hahaha, golden... I love Chinese people
Come to think of it, Tiger Woods *has* been looking kind of computer generated lately...
Thanks for making it so clear Swaim!!
Can you do this for the stuff that comes outta DC???
No one can do that.
My god... WHY ISN'T ALL NEWS LIKE THIS?!?
Because the world needs to make sense!
Wow, and I thought American news was, well - flashy?
I wonder how long it will take for Sims to hit CNN? There's probably some dude in corporate offices looking into it right now.
Hey is actually lying supine; not prone ---> that is face down... geez I thought you were married to a doctor or something!?
That is the best report about Tiger Woods I've yet seen. The report portrayed the whole incident exacty as it was - ridiculous.