As regular readers know, I have made it my quest to see all of the Twilight movies in both an effort to understand this global phenomenon of sparkly vampires and heavy, meaningful sighs and also to be a good boyfriend. My girlfriend enjoyed the books, even though she knows they are terrible. Breaking Dawn however, was literally her breaking point. Like many fans of the series, she was repulsed by the book's heavy-handed pro-life message, graphic vampire birth scene and general ridiculousness.
So it was with trepidation that we said the words that millions of people have uttered in the past couple of weeks, "Two for Breaking Dawn, please." And after enduring the highs (very few) and lows (many) of the previous three films, I can safely say without an ounce of doubt that The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part I was not only the worst movie in the franchise, it was easily one of the most atrocious, unwatchable films I've ever seen.
And as with the previous films, I've got some questions. Also, lots of issues. Please, help me to make sense of this non-sensical franchise. Even if you're not a fan, it is important that we discuss these books and movies that have corrupted so many young, impressionable minds. Oh, and in case you care, SPOILERS AHEAD.
Why is everyone okay with Bella marrying so young?
Seriously, this is never discussed. Her mom and dad are more than happy to hand Bella off to Edward and his weird family. There is never a moment where her dad, who spends three movies being concerned about Bella's well-being, suggests that she maybe go to college or get a job or do anything for her future that doesn't revolve around the weird vampire who stalks her and watches her sleep. In fact, the only person who even comments on how weird it is that Bella is getting married at 18 is her snarky friend played by the awesome Anna Kendrick. Seriously, Bella's high school friends (who she totally ditches after the first movie for Edward and his weird clan, by the way) are easily my favorite characters in the franchise. I love you, Asian guy with emo hair and girl with hipster glasses. Even you, doofy blonde guy. But you most of all, Anna Kendrick's character whose name I can't be bothered to look up.
Literally the best characters in a movie about vampires and werewolves
I'm 95% sure one of the vampires at the wedding was Shannon from Lost
You know, the one who is mad about the wolves killing her boyfriend which I think happened in the last movie but obviously wasn't that important since it's tossed aside ten minutes into the movie. Although I did really enjoy the blonde twin vampires from Alaska who looked like Paris and Nikki Hilton. There's a weird racial subtext running through this series with the blonde hair, blue-eyed WASP-y vampires at war with the Native American wolves.
So, Edward was afraid of f--ing Bella to death?
There's this big build-up to Edward and Bella finally having sex and then he gets all scared because he's going to hurt her? And Jacob has a problem with Edward not turning Bella into a vampire before their wedding night because he's afraid Edward will kill her with the power of his sweet vampire lovin'? Why can't he just chill? Also, is Edward a bit of a "Johnny Come Quickly"? The part where he smashes the bedpost and Bella tells him it's okay seems to be a not-so-subtle metaphor for premature ejaculation. It was their first time after all.
Bella gets pregnant like six hours after the big sex scene
Yes, I realize it's a vampire baby. BUT THAT IS NOT HOW IT WORKS. Also, the birth scene where Edward chews out the vampire baby after Rosalie fails to cut it out? One of the worst things I've ever seen. Though I did enjoy the part where Carlisle gave Bella blood for the vampire baby in a styrofoam cup so it looked like she was drinking a Acai berry smoothie from Jamba Juice.
"Kicking already? But I just had sex 20 minutes ago!"
So, uh, where are the Volturi again?
At the end of Eclipse, the Volturi, a secret (I guess?) cadre of vampires led by Dakota Fanning, were all, "We're going to get you Edward for exposing yourself to a human." And then they left to do...nothing. My lady friend says they turn up again, so I guess we'll see them in Breaking Dawn Part II -- wait a second. Wikipedia tells me there is a scene with the Volturi after the credits? Yeah, we didn't stay for that. Can anyone tell me what happened? Did Samuel L. Jackson as Nick Fury turn up and try to recruit Edward for The Avengers?
Stephenie Meyer basically had a premise that she stretched across three books
I read somewhere that Stephenie Meyer originally wanted Bella and Edward to get married in the first book, but her publisher suggested she stretch the story out over three books. So it's not surprising that NOTHING HAPPENS after the first movie. At this point, the movies run almost nine hours and you could basically sum up what has happened in one sentence. "Bella loves Edward the vampire but she also kind of likes her friend Jacob who is a werewolf. And then they get married and she gets pregnant and the vampire baby growing inside her almost kills her." Literally everything else is useless. The Volturi? Useless. Victoria being mad about Edward killing her boyfriend or something? Pointless. The feud between the wolves and the vampires? Nothing much comes of it. And also..
"I don't think I'm a writer; I think I'm a storyteller.."
-- Actual quote from a person who makes their living as a writer
Stephenie Meyer sets up dumb rules and constantly breaks them
The vampires and wolves can't fight because there is a truce. But then Jacob just announces that the truce is off midway through the movie. Edward won't turn Bella into a vampire until they're married, but then Bella decides she wants to wait longer and not be turned because...well, just because I guess. The Volturi are after the Cullens...and then they're not. Edward says at the end that when a wolf "imprints" on someone, the vampires can't kill them even though that has never been established (from what I remember) in the other movies. Which brings us too...
Jacob falls in love with Bella and Edward's baby?
In a scene so ridiculous I literally laughed out loud in the theater, Jacob's about to finally do something and kill the demon spawn vampire baby when he suddenly pictures newborn Renesmee (please, please don't name your kid that, "Twihards") as an adult and falls in love with her. WHAT? Seriously, what kind of weird Mormon child bride crap is that? We get three movies of Jacob pining for Bella only to have him fall in love with her vampire baby? And the whole "imprinting" thing that the wolves talk about is so gross. "You haven't imprinted on anyone yet, Jacob." Ewwwwwwww.
Rosalie is the most useless vampire of all time (and therefore my favorite)
Here's what Rosalie, played by Nikki Reed with a constant stinkface that says "I ordered a nonfat chai latte," does over the course of four movies: angrily smashes a salad bowl with her vampire strength in Twilight in one of my favorite scenes in motion picture history, stands around and looks really blonde and pale in New Moon and Eclipse and then tries to perform a C-Section on the pregnant Bella by stabbing her with a scalpel before getting excited by the sight of blood. Attention Stephenie Meyer: the world needs a Rosalie spin-off yesterday.
I'd like to speak to your manager immediately.
Bella is a terrible role model for young girls
Yes, it's been said many times before, but I think it bears repeating because, as we sit here, millions of young girls the world over are reading these books, watching these movies and dreaming of buying Bella's wedding dress. Bella is the lead character in the books and movies. Everyone falls at her feet; the story revolves around her. And yet she does nothing but sit around and let a man take care of her. The ONLY decision she makes for herself in four movies is to keep the vampire baby that is literally killing her from the inside. She takes no joy in anything -- she's a nervous wreck at school, around Edward, and at her wedding where she has to be basically carried out by her dad. When she finally does have sex, she is immediately punished with a pregnancy that basically kills her. I worry that the current generation of tween girls reading these books will go through life waiting for a man to come along and take care of them instead of being awesome, smart, kick-butt independent women like Buffy or Daria or even Cher in Clueless who was pretty resourceful and thoughtful of others underneath her bubbly facade. Bella is bland, nervous and extremely self-involved -- not at all what young girls need in a role model.
Bella: Please do everything for me always.
Edward: You will never lift a finger, my love...
If I was Edward, here are the characters that I would fall for before boring, mopey Bella in no particular order: Rosalie, Alice, Victoria before her head was torn off, Bella's snarky friend played by Anna Kendrick, Bella's mom, the female wolf who runs with the pack and I guess dated the lead wolf at some point, the Native American woman who made soup for lhe wolves who I think is dating Bella's dad, Bella's friend with the cool glasses, Dakota Fanning and literally any other female character in the movies.
So...did anybody see The Muppets? Or Hugo? So good!
Previous entries in the "Chic Geek Vs. Twilight" series:
Oh Nick, thank you so much for writing this article. I know many people have seen the light, a light that says in neon lettering "You have dropped five IQ points if you like Twilight unironically."
It's not just the crazy, stupid entirely pointless plot in which Bella totally can't make a decision about which super hot powerful supernatural man to take her away from the horrible GREENNESS of Forks. Girls, this most important decision you'll ever make. Choose wisely. Necrophilia or Bestiality?
It really is the message that Bella, and hence her writer, is sending to women everywhere. My friend and I once tried to read all the books out loud so we could discuss it at the same time as making fun of it and for moral support because I seriously don't know if I could have done it alone. In book two, Bella literally says that college is useless to her and after she decides to get suicidal over Edward, starts spending the money her parents set aside for her for college on stupid shit. Jacob breaks her wrist in one of the books when she's trying to get away from him and he laughs at her and tells her that she wouldn't have broken her own wrist if she hadn't been struggling so much.
Any time someone tries to argue that Bella is a powerful woman because she is sexual and doesn't care/ isn't ashamed, I say how so? At every turn she is told by basically every character, especially Edward, that she's a slut for wanting it outside of marriage. Which she ABORED because of her parents awful marriage (which is never explained but oh well, it's like her one interesting trait.) and she gives even that up just to have sex. She basically converts to their religion just so she can have sex. Yes, Stephenie Meyer, let's encourage girls to get married young so they don't compromise their morals. Who cares about their happiness?
Wow. Everything I hear about the books makes Bella sound even worse than in the movies. I fear for future generations who grew up on these books. It's basically the Book of Mormon disguised as a vampire romance.
shit the f up you moron!
Bella broke her wrist punching Jacob in the face after he kissed her. His idea, not hers.
Edward comes from a different time and is old fashioned wanting marriage first for Bella. Romantic throw back. Never even comes close to calling her a slut. Edward is always gentlemanly and protective of Bella.
Bella never felt like she belonged in this world because she can be so much more. Her character makes all the right decisions for herself and everyone else involed at the conclusion of Breaking Dawn.
You are entitled to your opinion on the books as I am to mine. I say they're anti-woman drivel, you seem to like them. To each their own.
Just because it's 'old fashioned' doesn't mean it's not anti-women. That's like excusing old-timely racism by saying "oh it was the times" -sorry but no. And guess what? That old fashioned way of thinking? The not so subtle subtext of that particular train of thought is actually that women who want to have sex outside of marriage being harlots somehow. Women who did were painted "loose" -and guess what? That IS a fact. That way of thinking still exists in many conservative Christian sects, and other religious/cultural backgrounds worldwide.
Women were treated as nothing but objects during those times, why do you think there was a feminist movement in the first place? So women could have rights.But let's go with your argument: For arguments sake? "His time" PREDATES the feminist movement -therefore yes, it is anti-women and unevolved.
I saw The Muppets and I really liked the film. I was a little disappointed with Amy Adams and Jason Segal but I really enjoyed all off the little throwbacks to the older movies and Muppet Show. It's definitely worth seeing.
Not a fan of the series, but I’m not 13 either. Dexter was good on Sunday though.., I never seen that ending coming!
thank you!!
btw, you didn't raise the issue of "protection". yes they were married, and maybe a condom wouldn't work against vampire sperm, but geez...
(can someone who knows the story tell me if they had actually discussed the whole children thing before getting married?)
Seriously! Birth control or condoms is never once brought up. I'm surprised there isn't some weird vampire rule where they burn or sparkle from exposure to latex or something.
And you're telling me her dad, the town sheriff who is a single father to the girl we are supposed to believe is the most beloved in the town, has never once had "the talk" with her? Or her mom, who they imply is sort of free-willed and possibly slutty never gave her birth control pills? I vaguely remember an awkward scene in one of the previous movies where her dad tries to have "the talk" and Bella's like, "don't worry dad, I know" or something. But then she goes from having unprotected sex to being shocked that she gets pregnant from all-powerful vampire sperm.
Edward and Bella being able to be together is unreal. Vampire-Human, Lion-Lamb. Not ever supposed to happen.
Bella was the one who took care of her ditzy mom - Bella was the parent in their relationship and Bella was older than her years. Her mom had the talk with Bella early on. Her accelerated pregnancy is not normal and shocking.
So rather than letting her enjoy some of her youth now that she's free from taking care of her mother, she immediately gets saddled with the responsibility of being a wife and mother. What we have is a character who's tragedy is that she never really had a childhood and the happy ending is to literally have every last shred of innocence ripped from her bleeding body. Nice.
(I know, I know, kind of late for comments.. But I just found this post thru FB today, so there's that...)
Anyways, the saga isn't a masterpiece, by any means** but the books are by far a LOT better than the movies... Had you read them, you would have found out many things the movies don't even hint at that you're now complaining about. For instance (as Lily & others have alluded to in the comments), vampires can't procreate since their inner reproductive system (uterus, sperm, the works) is supposed to be "frozen" (e.g. a vampire's stomach wouldn't be able to grow to accommodate her vampire baby). Their whole repro. system isn't inanimate, obviously (which is why they can still enjoy sex but not be able to make babies). So Bella, a mortal, getting pregnant by Edward, a vampire, was supposed to technically be *impossible*--which is why the issue of birth control never came up between them (there was no reason for them to discuss that since, thanks to Edward, nothing could happen. (And if teens who've only seen the movies think that they can't get get pregnant b/c they secretly have vampire frozen baby-making organs, then it's their parents and their surroundings and schools and ignorance that are at fault--not Stephanie Meyer or the movies' directors.)
Also, not having premarital sex isn't sexist or a way to degrade women or even antiquated-- on the contrary, it's empowering to not ever have to give men what they want just because they're too lazy/wussy/worthless to wait for real commitment. (Not that you're worthless; but I, along with many other young women out there, just want a man who knows respect, who can curb his desires, and who doesn't succumb to what the media pressures him to do/feel. And it feels good to wait.)
Lastly, those previous Book of Mormon comment/references are tasteless--even for a non-Mormon like me who isn't a fan of the Mormon culture around me yet knows the difference between the fundamentalists and the normal Mormons. I might think their mandates (like early marriage) are weird BUT I can recognize the difference between the sect crated by a deranged psycho who's now in jail, and the mainstream church/group. So please don't confuse the two or keep exacerbating the stereotypes.
(**So no, they're not masterpieces, but at the end of the day, many of us want a light and entertaining read [preferably fiction] that can take our minds off our busy days and make us feel good. If chick lit about vampires helps us do that, what's wrong with that?)
Sincerely,
A Loyal GS reader
According to the books, Edward doesn't think it's possible to have sex with Bella without killing her. After Bella gets pregnant, the Cullens investigate "myths" to find out the human moms always die after giving birth to vampire babies.
For someone supposedly so protective he doesn't do any of that research before?
Bella though mortal calls the shots. Always has from the beginning. She is brave enough every step of the way. Stumbling and bumbling mortal she finds her way to her place in this mythic world.
Nice to see another fan!
That has nothing to do with the simple fact that after being so afraid to have sex with her, no one bothers to look into the consequences before they do it. I mean she googled vampires, and found relabent information...No one shows much concern for her well being neither herself or any of the others.
This is the greatest entry on this whole site. Thanks for the laugh! And though I have only seen roughly 20 minutes of the first movie (because I could not stand how terrible Stewart's "acting" is and the story was utter crap) and nothing of the rest of the films, I wholeheartedly agree with every word here.
I have a feeling we'll be seeing a ton of new babies named after the baby vamp, UGH.
I did not like the Twilight one bit. I read them because a friend lent the first one to me just as I finished "Merrick" of the Vampire Chronicles, promising me that if I loved vampires (and I do, grew up on Buffy and Dravula and moved on to Anne Rice and eventually even read the Anita Blake series [which I enjoyed right until book eight or so when the author decided to throw out the plot in favor of Anita having sex with EVERYONE]) that I just had to read Twilight. I argued that, what do I want with sparkly vampires that don't kill people, and where's the reflection of the monstrous side of humanity if they mostly have their bloodlust under control? But she swore they were good and I gave them a try. Hated it, and spent the next couple of days reading the rest of them because I have a compulsion to finish every book series that I start. I will say this about the fourth book:
DONT get me wrong, I abhore the messages about women and relationships that are in this book BUT it was probably my favorite (that's like winning a my favorite dung beetle contest so that's not sayin much...). I say it's my favorite because after reading the first three I was waiting for something, ANYTHING to actually happen. And since I had no attachment to the characters or any investment in their relationships, the increase in action made the book....bearable.... I refuse to see the movies and waste any money, or anymore of my time on this series. Borrowing the books and having a solid base for my opinions on it is enough for menthank you very much. I'll go back to watching Being Human, the first show I've seen in a while that really shows the struggle between man and monster. (BBC version, though SyFy's was surprisingly decent for a remake, they made it their own rather than copying much more than the basic concept)
You like vampires? You should read the J.R. Ward brotherhood series -- absolutely great series. These are grown up, very hot, non-sparkly vampires.
Thanks, I'll look into that. My main thing is that I like my vampires to be vampires, and that means they eat people. If they're hot, great, it makes them more effective predators, if they're gross and half dead just as fine. Vampire novels should be about things like; what does it mean to be human, is there are god, will you be punished for indulging in all your deepest desires, who are the real monsters, the line between lust and death, facing death and fear of death, the consequences of immortality, how close can man get to god, and can they make or become their own god... That's what the great stories are about.
And on a side note your main character should struggle. If you really look at the Twilight series, she never struggles for anything. She gets everything she wants without fighting for it, andeven things that should be difficult like controlling her bloodlust are made inconsequential. That's not a vampire story. It has nothing to do with what the genre is about.
Thanks again for the suggestion ^_^ and sorry about further ranting, it just sort of spilled out.
Mate, they don't pay you enough,
You watched that dreck?
Great reading, Nick! I laughed out loud at "If I was Edward..." and the thing about Rosalie's Stink Face.
If you have time and haven't already seen this, it's worth a look
http://badassdigest.com/2011/11/17/film-crit-hulk-smash-hulk-vs-twilight/
Oh, and I really want to see Hugo but haven't been able to... yet. This weekend, methinks.
Just a geeky thought, but vampires, being undead, do not have living sperm. They are sterile. They should not be able to impregnate anything.
I hate the concept of this story. It sends feminism back to the dark ages. Plus, the books are heinous, puerile, purple prose. I couldn't get through the first three chapters of the first one. The movies are mostly an exercise in boredom. I could have more fun going into a coma for two hours.
And thanks for ruining vampires for those of us who like our vampires scary rather than sparkly, Stephanie. Bluh!
obviously there are some females to scared to admit they liked it ha! i dont watch movies for a life lesson or to think thats a standard we ought to live by but i like some light fluffy reading or a seriously light movie so yeah i didnt think it was that bad. between all the series i liked this one and the first i thought they were the most romantic. there were a ton of parts in all of the movies that had me laughing because it was so unreal but if i could have been bella with a choice i totally would have went for sam he is the true hottie! i did not read the books but after breaking dawn part one i might read it cause i hate not knowing if they break more beds haha..
I am totally craving the Muppets' movie, but I have yet to see any of the
Twilight series in the theater because they suck and it is cheaper to see the pirated versions online. I always thought that maybe Edward was a little gay because he is extremely possessive and obsessive of Bella, he has not banged anyone in his 100+ years, he shines in the sun like a disco ball instead of exploding/burning, he is way too anemia to be getting regular supplies of blood, he is too scrawney and lacks a real ass, and he wears more makeup than I do.
The books are okay, but I was totally looking forward to the baby bursting through Bella's stomach. I completely agree with you commentary!
Hate the movies (still watched them)- read the books and kinda enjoyed them! Is it just me or does Bella seem much cooler in the book? Was very disappointed they chose Kirsten Stewart to play her - I didn't recognise any of Bella's character in KS's portrayal of her in the movie - for me it's a totally different person.
But seriously - lighten up - who's really thinking about the contraception/marriage issue/messages to young women - it's a story about vampires.. take it with a pinch of salt, a few lines to get lost in - there's no need to heavily relate it back to the real world and real issues.
It matters because of the amount of obsession and idolization. Obviously that's not the books fault or the movies, even if I can't stand them I can see that. But if a parent sees that their daughter is that into the story it is a good reason to sit down and talk to them about healthy relationships and safe sex.
I think if you're married it's not uncommon to have unprotected sex.
Especially with a vampire who historically can't procreate.
Aren't children meant to be smarter these days? Would like to owe a little credit to them and think children of this day and age would have enough common sense to differentiate between a vampire movie and real life.
I certainly knew the difference when I was growing up.
If you're living in a world where vampires are real, an don't seem to be holding strictly to the "undead" classification, then I don't think you should take for granted anything about the relationship. I mean in most stories a vampire can bite you without you automatically being infected, so that right there throws out most of the preconceptions she might have had after doing research. But the vampire part is not at all what I was referring to.
Not every young girl has common sense. I knew many who were trying to get pregnant at 13 because they thought it would mean there boyfriend would have to marry them and then they would live happily every after. For every intelligent, independent, critically thinking young person out there, there are ten idiots. And plenty in between those on the spectrum. This is just an opportunity to sit down and talk about what healthy relationship is, because I'm sorry, but it's not abandoning your future just so you don't feel guilty about sex, or distancing yourself from your loving family in order to live in seclusion with a strange family. Yes it worked out for Bella, but it doesn't in the real world. And even when you're married you have to consider if you're ready for children, so YES even if they end up having unprotected sex while they're married it's not a bad idea to discuss family planning, and make sure she knows that just because she gets married doesn't mean she has to instantly start popping out babies. Just like it's not Barbie's fault if girls have unrealistic body images, it does't mean you can't hold up a barbie to your little girl and say this isn't real.
Not going to lie, I read all the book as a favor to my mom, who enjoys them.
For a while I thought that Alice, Jasper, Emmett, and Rosalie outclassed the hell out of everyone else which is why Stephanie Meyer couldn't really write them.
However, after seeing the movie, I really just want to see a film of Bella's dad Charlie, fed up of his daughter's treatment at the hands of creatures of the supernatural, become a VAMPIRE SLAYER.
Charlie Swan: Vampire Slayer. I would watch that in a heartbeat.
Hell yes! And Mike Newton as his comedy sidekick perhaps?
All about that, so long as Anna Kendrick signs on to be his wisecracking love interest.
I adore you Nick-I'm thinking of bookmarking this page. Great response
I haven't seen the movie yet. I admit, I have 2 of the 4 books, but I've only read them twice.
you are such a hater! and you didn't even bother reading the books!
you totally saw the movie just to go off and try to be all funny about criticizing the movie. FAIL. And let's be honest, you could;t even get with the leader of the wolf pack. no one will like you because you're so freaking judgmental!
seriously, you have no taste and no flexibility. good luck in life, cuz i don't c u getting far with an attitude like that, mr!