I've saved the biggest and bestest interview of 2011 for last. Now, I don't care if you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa or Ted Danson's birthday (12/29), we all worship at the alter of 30 Rock. And thus, we all love KEVIN "DOT COM" BROWN.

Most of America got hip to Kevin's comedy chops as Tracy Morgan's strapping sidekick on 30 Rock, but I've been down with KB since way back. I'm talking pre 1995's Of Love & Betrayal, where he slayed as "Fed Ex Delivery Man."

I recently had a chance to plank beside Dot Com and pepper him with highly inappropriate and appropriate questions. Here are the results...

Funny Guy: Kevin Brown, how many interviews (within the last 5 hours) have you done that started with the dude listing all your stage names, and handles (UPTOWN Kevin Brown/ Kevin 'Dot Com' Brown /30 Rock's Dot Com / Dot Com)?

Kevin "Dot Com" Brown: None. I did not realize I had so many handles. No one ever highlighted it before. I seem to become attached to two syllable names in my work. People who saw the stage play "Box" call me "Magnum". Those who saw my movie "The Empty Hands" call me "Worldwide".

FG: Is there any truth to the story that you, Uptown Kevin Brown used to go steady with Downtown Julie Brown, but only dated in Midtown as a compromise?

DC: [ Laugh] That is the single silliest question I have ever been asked...

FG: Fair enough, let's move on. As you can see by looking around this site, we here at GuySpeak basically operate in the world of sex, relationship issues and ideal labia color. Are you ready to delve into this heavy duty sh*z?

DC: Yeah, I am ready.

FG: What are some official Dot Com Do's & Don'ts when it comes to first dates? For example, are you a fan of fancy evening dates or an afternoon stroll in Central Park? Jeans and a T or three-piece suit? No sex on Jewish Holidays, etc.

DC: First dates hmm. I want you to know I loooovvveee WOMEN! If I am going to take my time to date a woman it is because I have her on a pedestal and worship her. It is real important on the first date to get to know someone.

Soooo for first dates I pull out all the stops! I dress sharp. I take the "lady" flowers and to a very fancy restaurant. I open the car door and all other doors for her. (She must not lift her hands to do any of that) Aannnddd as "the man" I pay for everything. I do not want her to pay for anything when she is on a date with me.
As for Don'ts? Do not be late .

FG: Being on a mega show like 30 Rock must have a ton of perks: From getting free Snapple on demand to free tours of the actual Rockefeller Center. What's it like, man? How has your life changed?

DC: My life has changed tremendously. I get invited to things.... And I honestly do not think I actually belong... I get treated better than I think I deserve.
I am amazed at the broad range of people that really really love 30 Rock. People constantly come up to me to let me know how much they really appreciate what we are doing and... how much they love my character "Dot Com".

FG: So, you're what they call Large. I'm billing you at at least 5' 11 and oh, 190+ lbs? Have you found your size to be an advantage in the world of dating and general socializing?

DC: My size is both an advantage and disadvantage. I am 6'5 and last time I checked I weighed 330 lbs. That is a lot of weight to be carrying around every day... so even though people tend to glorify the size, deep down inside I know it is not healthy.

Recently, I started taking Bikram Yoga (done in a 104 degree room) because I did not like the way my body would feel after a long shooting, press days, promotional days etc.
Taking Bikram Yoga has helped the way my body feels. If I can target 30-40 lbs to lose, I feel like my size will be an advantage.

FG: I imagine towering size can sometimes be a disadvantage too, right? Ex: if a gal went on a date with David Spade and discovered he had an 10" shlong it would be met with great surprise and awe, but if the same woman went on date with, oh I don't know Shaquille O'Neal, she'd be like, "Yeah whatever. I guess it's proportional."

DC: [Laugh] I do not know much about that. I do know that WOMEN are very impressed by my own. WOMEN gasp, smile and have a look in their eyes like they just saw a room of "very expensive shoes."

FG: Speaking of size and perception, one of the comedic points of attack for your character on 30 Rock is playing against type. Dot Com is Tracy's brute and muscle, but also often reveals an intellectual and sensitive, sweet side. Is that true to form in real life? Are you a man that operates on many diverse levels and bucks expectations?

DC: Yes, absolutely true! I believe the writers, who are by the way some of the best in the business, model the TV Dot Com after my real life personality.

FG: We get a fair amount of questions here about the pains and viability of long distance relationships. Given your lifestyle of constant touring, shooting, appearances, etc, I was wondering how do you make it work? And, what advice can you impart to those readers trying to make their relationships work when time and distance is a factor?

DC: Best tip for maintaining a long distance relationship... (Pause)... DO NOT START ONE IN THE FIRST PLACE BECAUSE IT HAS ZERO (0) CHANCE OF SUCCESS.

Best thing to do is to break up now on your own before the long distance situation "breaks you up."

FG: Tracy Morgan is prone to showing off his beautiful, flabby belly. Tina Fey is every man's crush, yet not the typical "hottie". What's your take on the ingredients to sex appeal and our national obsession with being "perfect"?

DC: People go through phases in their lives. When you are younger, you keep up with your peers. You want to paint the "perfect picture". You want that beautiful arm candy to show off. Younger women want the jock or that wealthy man to show off to their BFFs and friends.

As you get older and because you are more aware of who you are as a person, your ingredients for SEX APPEAL change because you identify things that are SEXY to you. You reach a point where it does not matter what other people think.

Personally, I do not need a woman to be all dressed up in order to be SEXY. I prefer the way a woman looks on a Saturday morning when she throws on sweats to shop. Women shopping on a Saturday morning is one of the sexiest looks a woman can have but that is just me. [Huge smile on my face]

FG: Throwback question Part I (softball): Tell us a little something about your first kiss? Who was the lucky gal and how lame were your tongue skills?

DC: [Laugh] My first kiss was so crazzzy.... A girl gave me a tongue kiss and I did not know what she was doing. Her tongue was all in my mouth. So naturally I stuck my tongue in her mouth a little too far down that she almost threw up in my mouth... Her name was Josanna (Bronx) and she was one of my friend's girlfriend.

FG: Throwback question Part II (harderball): Tell us a little something about your first sex (with another human)? Who was the lucky gal and how lame were your crotch skills?

DC: Crotch skills were pretty lame too! The girl's name was Melinda. It was my first time and I took her to a hotel I secured for the night. We got in the bed. I was so excited I climaxed waaayyyy too soon. I panicked knowing I had the hotel room for the entire night. I made up an excuse to her something about needing to do something for my mother... So we left the hotel room after being there for about 10-15 mins. [Laugh]

FG: Your career in the entertainment industry started more on the production and business side of things, only later segwaying into performing; you're a testament to the fact that with hard work and belief in oneself, one can reinvent themselves -- design their own destiny. What are your keys to personal growth and living with a "sky is your limit" mindset?

DC: My key to personal growth is..... never ever ever put all of your eggs in one (1) basket because there are grimly little people in this world whose only job is to knock over your basket.

My second mantra is never be afraid of "hard work"!

The difference between "Winners" and "Losers" is losers blame others for their failures and winners blame themselves. If you want to be a success you have to be accountable.

FG: First thing that comes to your mind time. Sexiest woman in Hollywood is?

DC: Halle Berry

FG: Men don't realize most women just want you to... in the bedroom.

DC: Shut-up

FG: The flyest part of a woman?

DC: Eyes

FG: And the flyest part of Doc Com is?

DC: My size

FG: Alec Baldwin's voice makes you want to...?

DC: Laugh

FG: My time with you is coming to an end. I can tell because I was about to ask you to weigh in on ideal labia color - and that's just not something you do to a cast member of America's favorite TV show. So, I thank you for being so candid with me and I wish you and yours the happiest of holidays.

Would you like to plug some of your upcoming projects? Twitter? favorite detergents?

DC: Sure, I ask your readers to please check out my presidential campaign for a twitter follow @dotcom30rock

Upcoming Comedy Show: New Years Eve- Comedian/Actor Kevin Brown "30 Rock Dot Com" via @FunnyFarmYO- Funny Farm Youngstown 1620 Motor Inn Drive Girard, OH. Sat Dec 31, 2011: shows 8:30pm & 10:15pm

30 Rock new episodes start Thursday Jan 12, 2012 8pm EST @nbc30rock and we hope everyone will tune into the #LizLemonmandatoryparty!

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