This morning on my drive into work I heard THE most disturbing thing I may have ever heard..like ever. The radio show I was listening to was trying to determine which man was the worst mama's boy and one particular caller stated that her (I presume) ex-boyfriend used to...wait for it...wait for it...remove his mother's NuvaRing for her once a month.
Full stop.
Do you know how disturbingly sick that is? This man ACTUALLY physically comes into contact with his mother's hoohaa once a month. I had to sit in my car for like ten minutes in silence processing what I'd just heard. I immediately started thinking of things that I'd rather do than EVER help my mother by physically reaching inside her special place to remove a contraceptive device. In fact, I'd rather not even know that she's using one of those.
That would mean she's having sex.
*le gag*
Here is a list of 100 things I'd rather do than remove my mother's NuvaRing:
1. Drink a Mountain Dew
2. Run my wang along a busy highway while ducking 18-wheelers and old women driving Chargers
3. Eat a bunch of ants that had previously gotten lost in a junkyard full of dogs who all had the flu
4. Get the flu
5. Watch back to back to back marathons of the various Real Housewives series with no commercial breaks
6. Hang out with Percy from The Green Mile
7. Knit pajama sets for praying mantis spawns
8. Burn my CD collection by using sunlight and my glasses
9. Wear a Dallas Cowboys velour jogging suit at a Redskins bar
10. Wear a Lebron James Miami Heat jersey in Cleveland
11. Walk a thousand miles trying to find you only to realize you were at home
12. Rock a Forever Lazy to a formal event featuring President Barack Obama
13. Use a snuggie on a regular basis
14. Yell "fire" in a crowded theater full of firemen
15. Attempt an in-depth conversation with Kim Kardashian about Tolstoy
16. Buy a suit off the rack from Wal-Mart and then wear it to a fashion show I was featured in
17. Do a naked cartwheel and get my johnson stuck in a door while clowns laughed at me
18. Analyze the true difference between saying "po-tay-to" and "po-tah-to" <--exactly
19. Wash the underwear at an old folks home for everybody whose ever been there since the 70s
20. Join a debate where I was forced to argue the merits of the KKK
21. Say that Howard University is better than Morehouse College
22. Cheer for Auburn during the Iron Bowl
23. Watch the movie Takers and be forced to discuss its fine plot points
24. Claim that Ryan Gosling is the greatest.actor.ever.
25. Drive backwards on a highway...at night...while singing "Ring of Fire"
26. Be the nipplehardener for Joan Rivers
27. Let Lady Gaga juggle my balls on the last leg of her concert tour while I was still attached to them
28. Kick Mickey Mouse down a flight of stairs while 100 traumatized children look on
29. #occupysomestreet
30. Run through the U.S. Capitol building naked while reading the Bill of Rights with a French accent
31. Write a dissertation on Nirvana's Nevermind album and its depth and how understanding Kurt Cobain is the key to the universe and actually attempt to defend it for my Ph.D.
32. Walk down a dark country road rapping the lyrics to 50 Cent's "In Da Club" in Mississippi
33. Dance for 48 consecutive hours on Soul Train after eating Thanksgiving dinner
34. Sing "This Is The Song That Never Ends" for...well, forever...
35. Become Charlie Sheen's publicist
36. Become Chris Brown's publicist
37. Go to gay bar and argue against civil unions
38. Go to Baptist church and argue FOR civil unions...unsolicited
39. Root for North Carolina whenever Duke plays them in basketball
40. Claim that George W. Bush was the greatest president...in the universe
41. Sit through multiple viewings of Caveman's Valentine. And no, you haven't heard of it until now
42. Do a taste test for a 4-year-old trying to make a 7-Up Cake
43. Hug a cactus
44. Publicly endorse Sarah Palin as my choice for leader of the world
45. Do the Cha-Cha Slide. I HATE the Cha-Cha Slide.
46. Eat McDonald's for a month straight. And nothing healthy like chicken McNuggets either
47. Hear my parents talk about the "good times" they had when they were younger being crazy kids
48. Hear my grandparents talk about their sex lives
49. Fight a honeybadger
50. Shoot off my pinky toe with a .357
Do you know how disturbingly sick that is? This man ACTUALLY physically comes into contact with his mother's hoohaa once a month. I had to sit in my car for like ten minutes in silence processing what I'd just heard. I immediately started thinking of things that I'd rather do than EVER help my mother by physically reaching inside her special place to remove a contraceptive device. In fact, I'd rather not even know that she's using one of those.
That would mean she's having sex.
*le gag*
Here is a list of 100 things I'd rather do than remove my mother's NuvaRing:
1. Drink a Mountain Dew
2. Run my wang along a busy highway while ducking 18-wheelers and old women driving Chargers
3. Eat a bunch of ants that had previously gotten lost in a junkyard full of dogs who all had the flu
4. Get the flu
5. Watch back to back to back marathons of the various Real Housewives series with no commercial breaks
6. Hang out with Percy from The Green Mile
7. Knit pajama sets for praying mantis spawns
8. Burn my CD collection by using sunlight and my glasses
9. Wear a Dallas Cowboys velour jogging suit at a Redskins bar
10. Wear a Lebron James Miami Heat jersey in Cleveland
11. Walk a thousand miles trying to find you only to realize you were at home
12. Rock a Forever Lazy to a formal event featuring President Barack Obama
13. Use a snuggie on a regular basis
14. Yell "fire" in a crowded theater full of firemen
15. Attempt an in-depth conversation with Kim Kardashian about Tolstoy
16. Buy a suit off the rack from Wal-Mart and then wear it to a fashion show I was featured in
17. Do a naked cartwheel and get my johnson stuck in a door while clowns laughed at me
18. Analyze the true difference between saying "po-tay-to" and "po-tah-to" <--exactly
19. Wash the underwear at an old folks home for everybody whose ever been there since the 70s
20. Join a debate where I was forced to argue the merits of the KKK
21. Say that Howard University is better than Morehouse College
22. Cheer for Auburn during the Iron Bowl
23. Watch the movie Takers and be forced to discuss its fine plot points
24. Claim that Ryan Gosling is the greatest.actor.ever.
25. Drive backwards on a highway...at night...while singing "Ring of Fire"
26. Be the nipplehardener for Joan Rivers
27. Let Lady Gaga juggle my balls on the last leg of her concert tour while I was still attached to them
28. Kick Mickey Mouse down a flight of stairs while 100 traumatized children look on
29. #occupysomestreet
30. Run through the U.S. Capitol building naked while reading the Bill of Rights with a French accent
31. Write a dissertation on Nirvana's Nevermind album and its depth and how understanding Kurt Cobain is the key to the universe and actually attempt to defend it for my Ph.D.
32. Walk down a dark country road rapping the lyrics to 50 Cent's "In Da Club" in Mississippi
33. Dance for 48 consecutive hours on Soul Train after eating Thanksgiving dinner
34. Sing "This Is The Song That Never Ends" for...well, forever...
35. Become Charlie Sheen's publicist
36. Become Chris Brown's publicist
37. Go to gay bar and argue against civil unions
38. Go to Baptist church and argue FOR civil unions...unsolicited
39. Root for North Carolina whenever Duke plays them in basketball
40. Claim that George W. Bush was the greatest president...in the universe
41. Sit through multiple viewings of Caveman's Valentine. And no, you haven't heard of it until now
42. Do a taste test for a 4-year-old trying to make a 7-Up Cake
43. Hug a cactus
44. Publicly endorse Sarah Palin as my choice for leader of the world
45. Do the Cha-Cha Slide. I HATE the Cha-Cha Slide.
46. Eat McDonald's for a month straight. And nothing healthy like chicken McNuggets either
47. Hear my parents talk about the "good times" they had when they were younger being crazy kids
48. Hear my grandparents talk about their sex lives
49. Fight a honeybadger
50. Shoot off my pinky toe with a .357
What?! I do not believe this. She might be using it regulate her cycle, not for birth conrol but if she's getting busy she needs to ask THAT person to get it out.
Gag! That is all
hahaha. omfg. I laughed out loud at your freakin list. I really did. The most anyone's received to date for hilarious content is a "smile smirk".
Made my whole damn day.
Good lookin out, baby boy.
PS-funny minus the fact that the kid went to 3rd base with Moms on a monthly. Ewww.
I remember asking Gary why you guys don't talk about "Mama's Boy" enough. Well Panama, I get what I asked for. I firmly believe you have scarred me for life. That'll teach me, thanks.
I love #22. Roll Tide!
Damn, if you'll take on the honeybadger, you mean business.
#21....but it is #doe.
Loud cackles at the rest of this list!
LITERALLY LOL- several times! This list is hilarious!
I really want to see someone do #30.
Even if I were a licensed practicing gynecologist, I would not do this to my mom!
Why oh why oh why..... Thinking about this makes me cringe. If the mother has her son do that, what other asinine things is she having him do? AND why would he do this?