As you may be aware, a very important weekend is just around the corner. That's right, it's the weekend my gas mower finally comes back from the shop! Boy, I'm going to be mowing up a STORM. Grass better WATCH ITSELF.

Also there's some kind of advertising convention called the MegaBowl or somesuch.

As someone who's never really taken an interest in things where you have to move "excessively," I'm not very familiar with football's intricacies, and year after year I find myself the lone outcast at every SuperGame party, sipping on a foot-long margarita, hopped up on 'ludes and playing Parcheesi with my feet.

Literally every year. It's not only predictable, it's less fun than it sounds.

I thought it was high time to educate myself about the game, so I won't come off a right ass when commenting on the bowler's proximity to the wicket. Then I thought it would be easier, rather than educating myself, to RE-educate everyone else instead.

To that end, here are some terms to help those unfamiliar with the game of football understand it, written by someone who is, himself, unfamiliar with the game of football and has no interest in understanding it.

Quarters: What they flip at the beginning to determine which team is going to win. After that, it's all just going through the motions for the sake of appearances. Kind of undermines the tension of the game, but hey, every sport has its quirks. Did you know at the end of every horse race, the horses are all shot into space and replaced with new ones?

First Down: The first person at the party to drink themselves into a technical coma. This person then gets four more chances to make it from their chair to the bathroom before they are carried there and left naked in the bathtub to vomit themselves to sleep. The bathtub precaution is known as a "safety," and it was first employed by footballer Joe Namath in 1861 at a particularly rocking Arbor Day celebration.

Offsides: The side of your face that's least attractive. Each player has a counterpart on the opposing team whose duty it is to determine which side is their "good side" and which their "off side" (this replaced the more offensive term "bad side," which in turn was a replacement for the original term, "sinister half"). The reason football players are constantly lining up and looking into each other's faces is to search for tiny facial imperfections with which to demoralize the other team.

Tackling: The straightest thing two dudes can do with each other in multicolored leotards.

Half Time: A tacit promise that yes, this horror show will eventually end.

Blitz: When all the little guys sleep in a big sweaty pile together for a bit just because they couldn't go one more second without some real, honest, human contact. Happens more than you'd think. Not to be confused with "blitzed," which is a term for what makes football even remotely bearable.

Tight End: The player whose role it is to conclude the game for their team, bringing all storylines and sub-plots together, drawing philosophical implications and generally seeing the game through to its end. Their portion of the show often (but not always) includes some element of interpretive dance and often features extensive use of rhymed couplets.

Which one's Patton Meening? What to say when you're ready for the party to end, and want someone to forcibly eject you from the premises.

Happy Footballing, everyone!