Well, we are almost there, Dear Reader; we've worked through the little ones in November, pushed ourselves through the December ones, almost froze to death during the January-ones and now, on February 13th we find ourselves only two short weeks away from the last one. No, I'm not talking about blizzards and coast-to-coast icing. I'm talking about an even greater storm front: Awards Season. The three-month stretch of celebrity back-slapping-self-loving-trophy-swapping that rains down like Hell Hail throughout the winter months. And yes, it's nefariously timed to drop when it's too cold to leave the house -- often too cold to even change the channel.

Now, I'm no Hollywood hater. I've learned a lot from Tinseltown; everything I know today about vampire sex, teen-wolves, ninja-whores and sex on a drum line, I've learned from the good folks in Dream Factory, USA. But nobody, and I mean nobody loves Hollywood as much as Hollywood itself. And I'm including those Japanese teenage girls who still have the Titanic poster in their bedroom.

Here's just a partial list of some award shows this season: The Screen Actors Guild Awards, The AFI Awards The National Board of Review Ceremony, The Botox Awards, The Golden Globes, The Costume Designers Guild Awards, The Natural Hairline Awards, The Directors Guild Awards, the Natural Tits Ceremony, The L.A. Film Critics Association Awards Ceremony Awards, The Matthew Mcconaughey Annoying Guy Awards, and finally the Ego Cup itself: The Oscars

I mean can you friggin' believe that list? This isn't even the full list. This is just what is on my Tivo. I'm not saying you and I should boycott these pageants. I'm not saying they're empty, self-congratulatory, hot air farts drifting from one opulent auditorium to another. All I'm saying is learn from these idiots. Start recognizing and awarding yourself for stuff. Anything, man! If we can't learn from human trophy machines like Meryl Streep and that dude from HOUSE, then we can't learn from anybody.

Buy some abandoned little league trophies from your local Salvation Army, polish them up, put on your favorite tux and invite your friend over to stand up and applaud you ad nauseum for just being you. Don't be shy; you've shown up at the set of your own life every day for the last year. Don't you think you deserve some recognition? How do you think Sandra Bullock won an Oscar for being Sandra Bullock in last years' steam turd, The Blind Side?? No, really, how? I'll tell you how: she just showed up on set and acted like herself. Now you can too!

Here is a list of things I did in the last 30 days that snagged me a truckload of golden trophies!

Worked four consecutive days in a row. AWARD

Had an enormously successful bowel movement. AWARD

Didn't burn a pot of rice. AWARD

Masturbated about the person I'm married to. AWARD

Said, "what's up" to a really old person. AWARD

Almost recycled something. AWARD

Brushed my teeth literally every single night this month. AWARD

Coughed up something cool and showed it to a friend. AWARD

Pulled one of my wife's stray hairs out of my butt crack. AWARD

Screamed at Apple customer service. AWARD

Wrote this article. AWARD

Now it's your turn, you unbelievably talented Swanks and Deniros. What awards will you nab this week?