Did you see that Maxim came out with their annual Hot 100 list last week? Well, they did, whether you saw it or not.
I love beautiful women, but I have mixed feelings about ranked lists because they're so subjective. That the list is from Maxim may have you picturing 74 crack editors sitting in a smoky, sweaty room until all hours of the night, each fighting passionately for his vision of who's hotter than who else, but in reality, the ranking is done by two pimply faced interns over a 20-minute lunch break and a list from their boss of who must be included.
So, it's still subjective. One man's hot is another man's repulsive, and vice-versa. If you don't believe me, remember this: Bea Arthur was not a virgin when she died last year.
But what's done is done. At least the list gives me something to bitch and snark about. So let's roll.
1) Who?
I'm glad they mixed it up from years past, but who the hell are half these chicks? I spend my entire life mired in media -- web, TV, movies, magazines -- and I've still never even heard of people like Odette Yustman (#70), Kylie Bisutti (85), iJustine (97) or Navi Rawat (81). Maybe I just don't read enough Maxim.
2) Too High
Kim Kardashian (9) - I'm sick of her, her family, her stupid TV show, and even her cleavage. And when I'm sick of cleavage, you know it's bad.
Anna Faris (42) - Funny is sexy, but not that sexy. She'd make my list, but only in the bottom third.
Rihanna (6) - Top ten? No way. Top 50 maybe.
Audrina Partridge (12) - I don't watch The Hills, but I assume the show is named for the mounds inside her ever-present bikini top. The ones that keep growing.
Hayden Panettiere (30) - Barely legal and doesn't even look that. Is there a Maxim, Jr. Hot 100? That's where she belongs.
3) Too Low
Lindsey Vonn (59) - Is that any way to honor an Olympian? That should be worth at least a 10-point bump.
Kara DioGuardi (93) - She and Katy Perry didn't get along on American Idol, so I reached out to both of them and offered to help arbitrate their differences. No reply. Yet.
Gabrielle Union (57) - You said union. Heh heh. Union.
Erin Andrews (58) - I guess the guys at Maxim never saw that peephole video of her.
Laura Vandervoort (53) - She's the only reason I watched more than one episode of V, and even Laura prancing around in her underwear couldn't make me stick around longer than two weeks.
Marisa Miller (10) - Top five material, easy. She and Zoe Saldana (3) can switch places.
4) Just Right
Eva Mendes (11) - 36 years old. Word.
Mila Kunis (22) - She made up for all those unnecessary cock shots of Jason Segel in Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Katy Perry (1) in the top ten. Not sure she's #1, but close enough.
Lindsay Lohan (n/a) - Nowhere to be found. Yes!
Heidi Montag (n/a) - See above.
Milla Jovovich (21) - MILF.
Megan Fox not at #1.
5) Please Make Your Way To The Exit Immediately
Kelly Ripa (94) - The moment you appear on TV next to Regis Phibin, you become un-hot forever.
Anna Paquin (84) - Nope, not even 84. Not even 184.
Rebecca Mader (79) - Loved her on Lost, but... no.
Lily Allen (75) - The whole world has seen her nipples, but that doesn't make her hot.
Amanda Bynes (15) - Maybe I watched too many Disney shows, or that movie where she played a dude.
Britney Spears (54) - Top 100 skanks, maybe.
6) What about....
Alicia Keys?
Emily Blunt?
Anne Hathaway?
Eliza Dushku?
Betty White?
Diora Baird?
Amy Adams?
Minka Kelly?
Like I said -- subjective. Maybe I'll do my own Hot 100 list someday.
I love beautiful women, but I have mixed feelings about ranked lists because they're so subjective. That the list is from Maxim may have you picturing 74 crack editors sitting in a smoky, sweaty room until all hours of the night, each fighting passionately for his vision of who's hotter than who else, but in reality, the ranking is done by two pimply faced interns over a 20-minute lunch break and a list from their boss of who must be included.
So, it's still subjective. One man's hot is another man's repulsive, and vice-versa. If you don't believe me, remember this: Bea Arthur was not a virgin when she died last year.
But what's done is done. At least the list gives me something to bitch and snark about. So let's roll.
1) Who?
I'm glad they mixed it up from years past, but who the hell are half these chicks? I spend my entire life mired in media -- web, TV, movies, magazines -- and I've still never even heard of people like Odette Yustman (#70), Kylie Bisutti (85), iJustine (97) or Navi Rawat (81). Maybe I just don't read enough Maxim.
2) Too High
Kim Kardashian (9) - I'm sick of her, her family, her stupid TV show, and even her cleavage. And when I'm sick of cleavage, you know it's bad.
Anna Faris (42) - Funny is sexy, but not that sexy. She'd make my list, but only in the bottom third.
Rihanna (6) - Top ten? No way. Top 50 maybe.
Audrina Partridge (12) - I don't watch The Hills, but I assume the show is named for the mounds inside her ever-present bikini top. The ones that keep growing.
Hayden Panettiere (30) - Barely legal and doesn't even look that. Is there a Maxim, Jr. Hot 100? That's where she belongs.
3) Too Low
Lindsey Vonn (59) - Is that any way to honor an Olympian? That should be worth at least a 10-point bump.
Kara DioGuardi (93) - She and Katy Perry didn't get along on American Idol, so I reached out to both of them and offered to help arbitrate their differences. No reply. Yet.
Gabrielle Union (57) - You said union. Heh heh. Union.
Erin Andrews (58) - I guess the guys at Maxim never saw that peephole video of her.
Laura Vandervoort (53) - She's the only reason I watched more than one episode of V, and even Laura prancing around in her underwear couldn't make me stick around longer than two weeks.
Marisa Miller (10) - Top five material, easy. She and Zoe Saldana (3) can switch places.
4) Just Right
Eva Mendes (11) - 36 years old. Word.
Mila Kunis (22) - She made up for all those unnecessary cock shots of Jason Segel in Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Katy Perry (1) in the top ten. Not sure she's #1, but close enough.
Lindsay Lohan (n/a) - Nowhere to be found. Yes!
Heidi Montag (n/a) - See above.
Milla Jovovich (21) - MILF.
Megan Fox not at #1.
5) Please Make Your Way To The Exit Immediately
Kelly Ripa (94) - The moment you appear on TV next to Regis Phibin, you become un-hot forever.
Anna Paquin (84) - Nope, not even 84. Not even 184.
Rebecca Mader (79) - Loved her on Lost, but... no.
Lily Allen (75) - The whole world has seen her nipples, but that doesn't make her hot.
Amanda Bynes (15) - Maybe I watched too many Disney shows, or that movie where she played a dude.
Britney Spears (54) - Top 100 skanks, maybe.
6) What about....
Alicia Keys?
Emily Blunt?
Anne Hathaway?
Eliza Dushku?
Betty White?
Diora Baird?
Amy Adams?
Minka Kelly?
Like I said -- subjective. Maybe I'll do my own Hot 100 list someday.
You are SO right. These list are crap. I disagree with MOST of their choices, and you are 100 percent right about the hotties missing from the list. Especially Anne Hathaway. Omg I have such a girl-crush on that woman!
Anne Hathaway is a knock-out. I'm amazed she isn't on there.
Betty White deserves to be on that list after her grand performance on SNL.
Indeed.
Zoe Saldana is GORGEOUS.
She deserves to be up there in the top 10, I love her.
But what about Crystal Renn? She is one sexy "plus-size" model.
Yeah, the main requirement for getting on the Maxim Hot 100 list is basically just appearing in Maxim at some point.
Fear not--Eliza Dushku is #26!
And Emily Blunt deserves a spot on here, especially if Hayden Panettiere is included...what is THAT?
Uh.. What about Beyoncé? Adriana Lima? Heidi Klum? Jennifer Lopez? Doutzen Kroes?
And also, Amanda Bynes being #15 made me have a nice WTF moment.
Yes, I'm with you on all of those except JLo.
Ke$ha?! Seriously? That girl is almost nasty enough to make me ashamed to be from Nashville.....almost
It's hard to get behind anyone with a punctuation mark in her name.
Wiping tears away. This is some funny shizz, Cary. Even though I'm a girl, I agree with everything you wrote here.
Maybe it's just me, but I fail to see what's so hot about Britney. She's pretty I guess, but it all falls by the wayside when she displays "herself." I think if she toned it down, she would be a lot more attractive.
But then, I'm a girl, what would I know?
She's a beast.
Some comments after browsing through the list...
Zooey Deschanel and Katy Perry should switch places...or at least, Deschanel should be bumped higher. Not only do the two look exactly alike, Deschanel is a lot classier.
So happy to see Emmy Rossum on the list. I love her.
I'm also happy that they decided to not make the incredibly predictable move of putting Jessica Alba in the top 5 (or even top 10). Now they just need to bump Megan Fox down a bit, and we're cool.
I'm disappointed to see Erin Andrews on the list, having met her in person multiple times and been treated incredibly rudely. That woman has such an awful personality (or is having a bad day the majority of the time).
Emma Roberts!? I mean, if you were annoyed by Hayden Panettiere being really young and on the list, despite the fact that she's definitely legal, Roberts is, I believe, ACTUALLY not legal. Isn't she, like, 13? Since when is Nickelodeon sexy? Seriously. Mind blown.
I almost feel the same about Hilary Duff. I know she's grown up, but I still see Lizzie McGuire when I look at her. Either way, I don't think she should be on the list. At least put Panettiere above her.
Chelsea Handler? Meh. I don't think her brand of humor is sexy or very classy, nor is she enough of a looker to have such an honor. Just my opinion.
Ke$ha?!? Lord, she is SO trashy.
Taylor Swift? Really? No thank you.
Rachel Bilson and Jennifer Love Hewitt might deserve to be here, but I was surprised to see them since both are basically old news.
Fin
I didn't object to Emma Roberts because I'd never heard of her.
I agree with you about almost everything. Exept about Hilary Duff. Seriously, she may have been my idol as Lizzie McGuire when I was 11 years old, but if you look at her now, she's stunning! One of the most gorgeous faces in Hollywood, in my opinion.
What?! Chelsea Handler is so awesome. If I ever went over to the other side I would be all hers. She is freakin' hilarious and actually has an incredible body. Maybe she isn't the absolute prettiest on the list but she is a lot prettier than many of the women on there.
And I feel terrible about forgetting her name, but the red head from Mad Men? Christina Hendricks! That's it. A lot of people are flipping out because she isn't on there. She also isn't a size 0.
but it all falls by the wayside when she displays "herself." I think if she toned it down, she would be a lot more attractive.