A few days ago a friend of mine showed me the manuscript of her upcoming book; it's an impressive first person narrative that will be published by a major publisher later this year. Naturally, I became gripped by two things: 1. Unbridled jealousy, and 2. Wondering which Hollywood actress would play her if the book were turned into a blockbuster movie? 

"So, who's gonna play you?" I asked.
She smiled.  "It's obvious right? Angelina Jolie."
My friend is good looking, beautiful in fact, but come on, Angelina?
"You're joking right," I said.
"No, Angelina. She's always been my Celebrity Totem."
"Your what?"
"Celebrity Totem. The Hollywood star you feel a mystical connection with -- totally different from a crush  -- like a long-lost friend, thing."
"Really?" I snickered.
"Really. I just feel like we'd be great friends given a chance; she'd understand me."
"Um, Okay" I said
"What, you don't have a Celebrity Totem?"
"Uh, no" I scoffed.

But GUYSPEAK, I lied! I have a Celebrity Totem - right now it's Gary Shandling. Last year it was Thom Yorke. In fact, I have a long and painful history of Celebrity Totems: Bobby Brady, Jason Bateman, Howard Stern, Jason Schwartzman. It goes on and on. 

For example in 1996, after seeing, Everyone Says I Love You I wrote a letter to Ed Norton telling him that I thought we would be great friends.  I never mailed the letter, but regardless, a definite Celebrity Totem.

Then in '98, after seeing, Permanent Midnight I became brutally obsessed with Ben Stiller; I felt our paths would undoubtedly cross. Nay, I knew in my bones we'd cross paths. So, one night I hung outside a happening Hollywood club, he often frequented, just so I could bump into him and you know, sort of, spark a best friendship.

 "Ben, hey what's up, man? It's Amit... from... nowhere. Wanna share family stories?"

I never met Ben Stiller. The closest I got was seeing his old man, Jerry Stiller, trying to hail a cab two years ago. And the closest I've gotten to Norton was seeing his autographed headshot at an acting studio in New York. 

But, I guess that's not the point. A Celebrity Totem is meant to be out of reach, but real at the same time. It's a concept we're deeply vested in; like a birthstone or choosing a power animal or Jersey Shore nickname.

So, how about it Guyspeaklets? Who's your Celebrity Totem?

Share, and let your Fantasy Friendship Fly...