As the Republican Primary enters its third week a truly remarkable shake-up occurred this Saturday. What we thought was inevitable, is no longer inevitable. What we once thought a forgone conclusion must now be re-imagined.
The Seal has been (heart)BROKEN.
Yes, it's true. Heidi Klum and Seal are on the precipice of divorce. Take a minute. Conflicting reports over the last 24 hours have had me (and anyone who gives a damn about the fate of modern civilization in a friggin' tizzy). Is it over? Was Seal's tweet 'The End,' the end? Is the paperwork filed? Is there room for reconciliation? Who will get the kids? The furs? The jewels? The best coffee mugs? And what about us? Your humble media consumers - What do we get?
As I write this (huddled under a down blanket in my bedroom--too rattled to brave the outside world) only one thing is clear: If the King of Occasionally Decent Songs and the Queen of our Genetic Lottery can divorce--no couple is immune. The Angel of Separation spares no one -even the best looking among us.
In hindsight maybe we should have seen this coming. How many years of tranquility can we have hoped for from these two? The Germans and English have never had long standing peace. They get along, they go to war. They kill each other, they make nice. One minute they're bedfellows the next minute they're dropping bombs and house music on each other.
Although it pains me to share, check out this exchange Seal and Heidi had over the holidays.
Seal: Klumy, let's do Christmas this year in the London mansion, OK?
Heidi: Oh, do we have to? The Berlin mansion just got new panda fur carpet put in. Can't we do it there?
Seal: Heidi, we did it there last year. Besides, darling, I'm in the middle of wrapping up another mediocre ballad in the studio. I need to stick around here.
Heidi:: But... but, Seal, what about how hot I still am?
Seal: Yes, I understand that. But what about my sexy voice?
Heidi: Look at my face and gait. I'm too good looking to compromise.
Seal: Well, I'm too hot to not get what I want too, honey.
Heidi: Me!
Seal: Me!
Heidi: Me!
Seal: Me!
(A terrible fight ensued)
Oh, it breaks my heart to see two gorgeous people going at it.
On one hand we should just be happy with the years of joy we did have, staring at them staring at each other. But the selfish part of me just doesn't know if I can let go that easily. I mean look at these g*d d*mn people!
Who's to take their place as our matrimonial inspiration? Who will fill this void? Surely we aren't supposed to turn inward, to our own lives and relationships as a source of strength and faith. Surely the answer is not to stop imbuing people we don't even know with special powers and authority. If it were, why did the universe invent Twitter?
And so we must keep our heads up, and our priorities straight, we - the public - are bigger than this. We must slowly crawl out of our blanket igloos and attic crawl spaces to find new inspiration.
Faith Hill & Tim McGraw? Gwyneth Paltrow & Chris Martin? Perhaps Jay Z and Beyonce, Ellen DeGeneres & Portia de Rossi? Maybe Ice-T and Coco...?
And while every bone in my body wants to cling to Heidi and Seal, I know in my heart that if one really loves something, I mean truly truly loves something, one must be willing to set it free. To stand back and accept its fate.
After I post this I will get out of bed. I will put on my wife's Victoria Secret bra and steal a dozen roses from a street peddler. I will walk east one mile, braving all sorts of cold wind to New York's mighty East River. There, I will kneel beside the frozen riverbanks, and kiss each rose. I will count down from ten in German, lovingly wrap the flowers in the silk bra and place the sacred bundle into the water.
There used to be a graying tower alone on the sea.
You became the light on the dark side of me.
I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the gray.
Ooh, the more I get of you
The stranger it feels, yeah.
Then I will stand up. I will recite a secret prayer and walk away. Will the flowers and bra sink? Will they swim? Ah, that is the question. And alas, the answer is out of my hands...
Cool post...and exactly how "shook up" I felt and acted...well, minus the bra and roses thing.
Amazing how we can brand eternal love as being represented by two people we really don't know, but *think* we know based on Access Hollywood, Extra and TMZ reports.
In a world of famous couples, only few really last, isn't that crazy, crazy, crazy, crazyyyyy?
Too funny Amit. Can't say that I had even heard of a possible breakup, but I do appreciate sympathetic handling of the subject. :-) And as your former Drama teacher, I do like the dialog as rendered.
The first thing that comes to mind is the sexual connotation of the term "breaking in the seal". At least that's the first thing I thought of, that and the fact that when they got married, Heidi was definitely not a virgin by a long shot because she was a model and Seal could have been because he has all those scars on his face and women don't appreciate roughed up men until later in life.
I then thought about your false dichotomy between the German and the British. Both peoples have totalitarian (to put it mildly) tendencies and both have engaged in all sorts of ethnic cleansing in history
(this part of the comment will only be funny to you).
I don't understand the purpose of Twitter.
What else...
I would like to see you in a Victoria Secret bra.
And
That's about it for now I think.
Oh yes, of the couples you listed, for some reason, I only find truly insufferable (both as individuals and definitely as a couple) Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin. That's why I can't stand Coldplay.