This goes out to the ladies. This one goes to the ones we've left behind. While there are no dumb questions submitted here, there are most assuredly sad questions. And I'm not talking about the obvious sad involving rape, molestation or mastectomy questions. I'm talking about the lot of questions I get each week that should have been answered by your own self-assurance and pride, years ago.
Will any guy like me if I have some stomach chub?
Do guys want to know what you like in bed or does it hurt their feelings?
Should I ever stop faking it during sex?
I love wearing jeans but my man thinks I look dumpy. Help
My husband refuses to visit my parents as often as his. What do I do?
My boyfriend threatened to leave me if I gain more weight from the pill.
I'd expect to get questions like this if A. There were web sites back in 1962 and B. I was alive and knew how to type. But now in 2012 to field questions about asserting your own claim to sex; claiming your body as your own; claiming your voice and your feelings as valid and equal?
It makes me wonder why so many women have not gained access to their own mojo. Is it religion? Is it cultural? Is it media driven? Political? I suspect all of the above. Even in subtle ways we diminish women day to day. That whole, "Tom, you married up when you scored Sue" is condescending. That little shtick, "Tom, meet my better half, Sue." Or, "I may make the money, but Sue makes the rules," all goes a long way to undermining females. It sounds positive, but actually objectifies and isolates. Any time we put something on a pedestal we are stripping "it" of self-determination. We are imposing our will over "it". We are using "it" instead of coexisting with "it".
Sure, I get the fact that it's a slippery slope, that some women like and expect to hear "after you, dear" and "ladies first" and so on. But if allowing women to enter a revolving door comes at the cost of their self-esteem then I say f*ck it. Besides entering new rooms is about your choice, not about being invited.
Great post!!
Thank you so much for writing this Amit, I have wanted to say something like this for weeks. I only see the questions you and the other guys answer, but you have to go through the entire queue, so your sadness has to go deeper than mine. But it makes me super sad to see so many women doubting themselves, so unsure of their greatness and questioning their own autonomy.
Ladies we are awesome, smart, funny, talented, human beings. We need to recognize that and own that. F*ck all that noise society tells us we are suppose to be. We get to choose who we want to be, now. I get that we all have insecurities, I have them too, but tell that stupid little voice in your head to STFU and let you run the show.
It frustrates me to no end, how women we are told to be and how that mess starts at an early age. How we've been conditioned to think that we are never good enough. Let's start a revolution within ourselves to like ourselves and embrace our quirks or lack of quirks. To just be ourselves, society be damned. Question and fight every dumb expectation. Today, let the revolution begin!
WRITE ON!
It honestly kills me to see how insecure women can be. We all get insecure, but there's a huge difference between the way men and women (or confident women and other women) deal with those insecurities. None of us are perfect and we live in a society that praises perfection and feeds off our insecurities, so the obvious result of that is going to be insecurity in who we are, what we look like and what others think of us.
I'm a woman in my late twenties and I've always felt, for the most part, comfortable in my own skin. Sometimes I feel unattractive and I sometimes worry about my little flaws, but generally when it comes down to it, I'm not afraid to be myself and I'm not obsessed with hiding my "flaws". Most women I know obsess over their flaws and can't see the perfection beneath them.
I hate it when I catch myself worrying about the couple of pimples I have, or the size of my areola's, or the colour of my labia, or the rolls I get on my stomach when I bend down. I hate it when I catch myself looking in the mirror and realizing I forgot to pluck my eyebrows, or noticing the slight crookedness of a few of my teeth. I know that generally guys don't notice these things. They see how beautiful my eyes are - they don't see the size of my chin. They see how soft my hair is - they don't see that it doesn't fall perfectly. They notice that I have huge boobs - not that the areola's are also big. If they do notice these things, they see them in the context of my whole. I think women need to realize this.
Furthermore, they need to recognize that the attention of men isn't what makes them valuable. That's why it's so sad to see women beat themselves up over this kind of stuff. They base their sense of value on whether they are attractive or not. They will hide things about themselves that make them unique and amazing because they're not things guys generally list as attractive. They will nitpick at every imperfection, genuinely believing that they're not as valuable as the "pretty" girls. It's torment.
I used to not care at all how I looked. As I've gotten older, I'm more interested in attracting the opposite sex... so I grew my hair long, I started wearing a little bit of make up, I've started wearing more flattering clothes. I've noticed that the more effort I've put into these things, the harder I am on myself over my imperfections. I've not found that right balance yet, but I'm working on it. I wish more women would work toward that balance. .