I was going to write about the passing of Leslie Nielson today. He was a true comedic genius, with an instantly recognisable voice, and a way of delivering the funniest lines totally deadpan. He will be sorely missed, especially by the small section of the population that started writing comedy thanks to his inspiration. But, hey, he is dead. And he was really, really old. Respectful commentary isn't really my thing, anyway.

Instead, lets talk about booze, as I just watched a three way cat fight in the street between drunken schoolgirls and it is, conveniently, in the news yet again. Another why-oh-why, hand wringing story on binge drinking fuelled violence from girls. Just in time for the Christmas party season. Hooray!

To summarise, so you don't actually have to hurt your brains reading the Daily Mail: Girls get angry about things. They drink heavily, and their emotional coping mechanism shuts down, along with their judgement, pride and ability to walk in a straight line. They get violent. Everyone acts all shocked.

Instead of just complaining about it, I think it is time to fix this problem for once and for all, by teaching the rules of drinking. Oh yeah, just like for one night stands, there are rules.

Know your capacity for every mood. This is trial and error. The errors are incredibly painful.

Never mix drink types. Stick to one type of booze. If you come off the beer for whatever reason, go onto a grain based spirit. Women rarely do this. Beer, cider, alcopops, wine, vodka, cocktails; all indiscriminately poured one on top of the other, getting them super drunk.

Always have a wingman. With the right combination of mood and sleeplessness, it is perfectly possible to get totally smashed off two drinks. Your wingman is there to prevent you being foolish, especially if you are on a binge.

Expect to be kicked in the face if you get violent. More of a male culture thing than a drinking rule, per se, but it applies. Girls need to understand it applies to them as well. Oh, most guys will go for the "retreat or disarm approach," but remember - they have probably been drinking too.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a Naked Gun marathon to watch.

This PSA brought to you courtesy of the corner table, who are really tired of getting their beers knocked over by drunken, silly girls.