1. Katy Perry and Russell Brand will have a most beautifu

2. North Korea, under new leadership, will dissolve and re-launch itself as the most comprehensive Home Depot on the planet.

3. Tupac, Biggie and Andy Rooney will put out the pivotal summer jam of 2012. Working title: XXX Marks the Spot Spot Spot.

4. All members of E-Harmony will rebel and surround the home of that cheesoid from the TV ads, demanding soul mates and/or immediate refunds.

5. Mitt Romney will win the Republican nomination and offer the VP to the cast of Twilight.

6. 921,063 people will lose their virginity in 2012. 18% to a jerk. 34% to some guy. 49% to this girl I know and the rest to the love of their current life.

7. X Factor, American Idol and Meet the Press will all merge into one giant... thing.

8. Charlie, of "Charlie bit my finger" fame, will go on a State-side tour sponsored by Starbucks wherein for only $250 he'll bite your index finger and mix in your sugar and cream. Book soon!

9. Beyonce and Jay Z's baby will be born April 18, 2012 6:31am PST. Name: Steve Carter. Weight 8lbs 3oz. That's all.

10. The comeback of the year will feature the rediscovered goldmine that is Jodie Lee Ann Sweetin (Full House). A small indie role as Pepper Matthews, a crack addicted toll booth worker from Queens, will reignite her career. I'm talking John Travolta in Pulp Fiction reignite, peoples.

11. Guys will, on average, last even 22 seconds shorter this year.

12. Barak Obama and Chris Christie will both retire from public office to costar in a yet to be titled CBS sitcom about a skinny black dude and his mouthy fat dude roommate. Sounds He-larious!

13. The summer 2012 Olympics will galvanize the nation -- for about 36 hours -- around one long shot sob story's unthinkable quest for gold.

14. Kim Khardashian's ass will sue her lips for copyright infringement. It will go down as one of the most costly legal battles in Hollywood history.

15. Occupy Wall Street will reach critical mass forcing the powers that be to reevaluate global economic practices. On the precipice of making sweeping reform they'll get way sucked into the 2012 season of The Bachelor and forget to do sh*t about anything.

16. Anderson Cooper will marry and divorce the "love of his life". In the settlement he will be mandated to hand over his entire collection of body hugging, crisis covering T-shirts. Even his lucky gray that he wore during Katrina.

17. Lady Gaga will show up to the Grammys in a foreskin jumpsuit fashioned out of the junk of those Philippine prisoners from the Thriller video. I know, its insane -- don't blame me.

18. Rihanna will be the unwitting victim of a sex video leak, naturally entitled Privates of the Caribbean.

19. For the first time in modern history more women than men will orgasm in 2012. From watching the NFL.

20. Caffeinated toothpaste designed for morning use will hit the shelves this Spring only to be recalled because while clever it's also a f*cking disgusting idea.

21. Everyone will forget their cell phones at home on March 19, 2012.

22. Herman Cain's penis will pen a salacious tell-all memoir forcing Herman to rethink any attempts at public office.

23. Guys will wash their balls more than in 2011 but dry worse, so they'll still stink.

24. A new diet craze involving running 3.5 miles four times a week followed by not stuffing your mouth like a f*cking pig will get overlooked.

25. The top box office hit of 2012 will feature Amanda Seyfriend, Emma Watson, Zooey Deschanel, Mila Kunis and Scotty Pippin as the starting five Chicago Bulls in Ron Howard's much anticipated Three-Peat (SPOILER: look for early Oscar buzz from Emma Watson's Horace Grant. Wow Wow).

Join me in checking off these inevitables as 2012 rolls on...