We've all dealt with the news of Santa's untimely death last week in our own way. That the jolly old elf was boiled alive in a giant vat of superheated peppermint slop by irate toy store owners can be hard to explain to your little ones, especially when you add that this of course means that there will be no Christmas.

Yes, though we may still buy presents and leave them under the tree, the spirit of Christmas was forever snuffed out that fateful night. Burned horribly, beat with the caboose from his own train set, then forever snuffed out. All that's left is the husk of a holiday we now call "Cold Present-giving Time."

Anyway,  here's some funny crap to buy your guy to keep him from killing himself. And to all a good night!

Movies: If you thought my imagined depiction of Santa's skin being cooked off in a sticky pit of murder didn't go far enough, you sound like the ideal audience for the It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia straight-to-DVD Christmas Special ($19.99 at amazon.com).

I haven't seen it myself yet, but the show (in its fifth season on FX) is consistently funny and I know for a fact that a greased, naked Danny DeVito appears in the film.

So the only question left is, why are you still reading this when you could buying it right now?!

Or, if you're already burned out on naked greased up DeVito (to be fair, he's been showing it off a lot lately), why not catch your man up with the Complete Futurama box set ($185.58 at dvdempire.com), which includes four feature length Futurama movies? Just in time for the show's resurrection in 2010!

Books: You know, when you think about it, reading isn't a rainbow so much as Neapolitan ice cream. And by that I mean that I only wanted to suggest three books rather than seven.

Specifically, the exhaustively un-researched book of hilarious non-facts More Information Than You Require ($14.26 at buy.com, and second in Hodgman's trilogy of fraudulent almanacs)...

The darkly twisted sci-fi/horror/comedy/everything novel John Dies At The End ($24.99 at powells.com)...

And the dazzlingly self-explanatorily titled Everything Is Going To Kill Everybody ($11.20 at amazon.com), a must-have guide for those who don't yet fear enough.

I'd tell you which of the books is strawberry, but I don't want to hurt their sales.

Music:

Of They Might Be Giant's three children's releases this year, Here Comes Science! ($12.62 at the terribly-monickered blowitoutahere.com) Is decidedly the one that makes you least feel like you should be in a diaper eating mashed pear (not that I'm judging anyone's music-listening habits).

Filled with charming songs about the electric car and the bonding properties of carbon, the disc features TMBG's signature mix of lighthearted lyrics and innovative musicianship.

If your man's not the "charmed" type, you could always get laugh-out-loud funny with the Flight of the Conchords' second album, I Told You I Was Freaky ($13.99 at hottopic.com), arguably the greatest New Zealand anti-folk electronica comedy record of all time.

And of course, you can't go wrong with the dulcet tones of Weird Al Yankovic, who's put out a career-spanning compilation ($14.34 at buymusichere.net) just in time to remind your family how laughable "Gangsta's Paradise" still is.

Oversized Meat: But what to buy for the man who has everything? A seven-pound hot dog ($39.95 at bigasshotdog.com). That is what you buy him.

Yes, if he has everything, then by definition he already has a giant hot dog, but honestly, can you ever have too many? Now he can make them fight!

Cheap Stuff For Guys You Don't Like As Much: Think Geek is a wonderland of inexpensive and unique gifts, and it's there that I found these funny fridge magnets based on pictures of cats with speech impediments ($19.99 at thinkgeek.com). I'm sure you could find a lot more great stuff if you hunt around the site, but again, this was a gift for a guy I don't like that much, so, you know.

Oh, and that reminds me: Merry Christmas Dad! You didn't get rid of the fridge, did you?

The "Never Gets Old:" When all else fails, the Singing Big-Mouth Bass does not ($16.43 "or best offer" at bonanzle.com...note that the fish is "slightly used." Whether the use was sexual is not explicitly stated, but one can assume so).

As a professional blogger, I'm here tot ell you that no one has EVER been disappointed to receive this gift. Yes, they're tacky, useless and annoying, but let's be honest: aren't most of the men you know?

How better to occupy their child-like minds than a rubber fish that bends at a 90 degree angle and sings Bobby McFerrin music? It's so uncool it's cool again, like vintage thrift store tees or being patriotic.

Your Gift To Me: So...your boyfriend and I were hanging out the other day, and out of nowhere, he starts talking about how the only thing that could make him stop loving you would be if you didn't get him a copy of the Agents of Cracked DVD for Christmas ($10.00 at cracked.com, available Dec. 15), featuring web comedian Michael Swaim in 14 hilarious episodes, deleted scenes, and full audio commentary from the cast and crew.

When I told him he should love you for who you are, and not the things you buy him, he said he'd probably leave you if you didn't also get him some shirts from the Those Aren't Muskets! official store (surprisingly expensive at thosearentmuskets.com). Hey, it sounded unreasonable to me, too, but he seemed pretty upset. You might want to get on that.

Happy Cold Present-giving Time!