While most of us regular folks are going to spend the next few days coming up with goals and resolutions for 2012 that we'll largely abandon by Dr. Martin Luther the King's holiday weekend, celebrities, on the other hand, probably don't waste much time with resolutions.
Rich people don't need resolve. It's one of the benefits of being in the 1 percent. Occupy Hollywood Boulevard.
Fight the power.
Anyway, as a community service to our oh-so-busy celebrities, I figured I'd provide a few resolutions for a few folks who managed to make it into the news this year. It's my way of giving back to those who have given me so much. Allons-y.
Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney Kardashian - Sit yo' azz down. Yes, all of you. I'd like to ask you to resolve to sit your happy azzes down somewhere and relax. I'd say that a solid 90 percent of the America population is absolutely tired of reading, seeing, and hearing about your non-exploits. I'm sure you are all very nice girls. But the ONLY reason we even know your name is because Kim smanged Ray-J on tape. Honestly, if I was Ray-J, I'd be asking for a percentage of all proceeds.
Khloe Odom-Kardashian - She needs her own special sit yo' azz down. Please, for the love of all things big...do not destroy Dallas. Not that I particularly care for Dallas but it seems like a nice enough place. Don't turn it on its head please.
Charlie Sheen - Sit yo' azz down. (Notice a trend here?). I realize that after your tirade this past summer, you've been largely quiet. I assume that's because you've been taking your medications. Plus, your "tour" kind of bombed once people realized that you had nothing to really offer in the way of entertainment that you wrote yourself. Or didn't write. Either way, take the year off and resolve to really be #winning by being an absentee celebrity.
Lindsay Lohan - You know, I have no idea if you did anything stupid this year. But because I'm such a history buff, I'll assume that your history indicates that you had to. To that end, sit yo' azz down too. Stop the nudity. Stop sniffing blow. You had so much promise. For what? I don't know. I never found you particularly appealing or talented. But somebody pays you large sums of money to exist. So just do that without all the fuss of jail time. Mmkay, pumpkin?
Brett Ratner - You really need to sit yo' azz down. Really? An anti-gay slur? In 2011? That's the sure fire way to get your whole year cuffed the cuff up. Good job d-bag. How's that Academy Awards gig looking from afar Brett? Easy money. Plush gig. And poor Eddie Murphy, even he had to let it go. So sad. So sad.
RIP Amy Winehouse.
Since I mentioned him up thread, Ray-J - If you're not paying attention to urban music and entertainment circles, let's just say that Ray-J is responsible for one of the most ignorantly entertaining radio tirades in history. He literally said the stupidest and most profound nincompoopery every put to wax. And he talked for like a solid 10 minutes. Especially since very few people actually believe anything he had to say. Or has to say. It's Ray-J. Hopefully he keeps 2012 a little quieter. #moneyteam
Do you have any celebrity resolutions you'd like to share?
Happy New Year!
Fight the power.
Anyway, as a community service to our oh-so-busy celebrities, I figured I'd provide a few resolutions for a few folks who managed to make it into the news this year. It's my way of giving back to those who have given me so much. Allons-y.
Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney Kardashian - Sit yo' azz down. Yes, all of you. I'd like to ask you to resolve to sit your happy azzes down somewhere and relax. I'd say that a solid 90 percent of the America population is absolutely tired of reading, seeing, and hearing about your non-exploits. I'm sure you are all very nice girls. But the ONLY reason we even know your name is because Kim smanged Ray-J on tape. Honestly, if I was Ray-J, I'd be asking for a percentage of all proceeds.
Khloe Odom-Kardashian - She needs her own special sit yo' azz down. Please, for the love of all things big...do not destroy Dallas. Not that I particularly care for Dallas but it seems like a nice enough place. Don't turn it on its head please.
Charlie Sheen - Sit yo' azz down. (Notice a trend here?). I realize that after your tirade this past summer, you've been largely quiet. I assume that's because you've been taking your medications. Plus, your "tour" kind of bombed once people realized that you had nothing to really offer in the way of entertainment that you wrote yourself. Or didn't write. Either way, take the year off and resolve to really be #winning by being an absentee celebrity.
Lindsay Lohan - You know, I have no idea if you did anything stupid this year. But because I'm such a history buff, I'll assume that your history indicates that you had to. To that end, sit yo' azz down too. Stop the nudity. Stop sniffing blow. You had so much promise. For what? I don't know. I never found you particularly appealing or talented. But somebody pays you large sums of money to exist. So just do that without all the fuss of jail time. Mmkay, pumpkin?
Brett Ratner - You really need to sit yo' azz down. Really? An anti-gay slur? In 2011? That's the sure fire way to get your whole year cuffed the cuff up. Good job d-bag. How's that Academy Awards gig looking from afar Brett? Easy money. Plush gig. And poor Eddie Murphy, even he had to let it go. So sad. So sad.
RIP Amy Winehouse.
Since I mentioned him up thread, Ray-J - If you're not paying attention to urban music and entertainment circles, let's just say that Ray-J is responsible for one of the most ignorantly entertaining radio tirades in history. He literally said the stupidest and most profound nincompoopery every put to wax. And he talked for like a solid 10 minutes. Especially since very few people actually believe anything he had to say. Or has to say. It's Ray-J. Hopefully he keeps 2012 a little quieter. #moneyteam
Do you have any celebrity resolutions you'd like to share?
Happy New Year!
The media and crazy fans/haters with the whole "is Beyonce preggo or not" need to sit yall azz down... I am so tired of these stories... Whether she's gives labor or buy's a baby its her and her husband's business.