The hottest chick of 2009 is a practically infinite series of 1's and 0's that lives in a supercomputer somewhere in Middle Earth, or New Zealand, depending on which you believe in more.

And while I know she is just a digital confection, that doesn't stop me from pining away for her. She will be my mine, if I have to don 3-D glasses, attack my nuts with a blue magic marker and drink a gallon of hallucinogenic mushroom tea to do it.

Perhaps you've seen James Cameron's hotly anticipated sci-fi masterpiece Avatar? You haven't? What are you, a jock? Lame. Because the most smoking woman in the universe is in Avatar, you beef necked pigskin diva. It's also a monumental epic of epic proportions: it had a budget in the hundreds of billions of dollars. We're talking health care reform or war money.

It's a sweeping saga about clashing civilizations in the not-too-distant future. A dramatic allegory that pits greedy, technologically-dependent mercenaries against a race of peaceful,   indigenous tribal humanoids and concludes, if not outright indicts, the course of western blah blah blah. Did I mention it stars my new girlfriend, Neytiri of the Na'vi on the planet Pandora?

No, not Zoe Saldana, the super hot actress who most recently played Uhura in the other big hit of the year Space Boy Scouts. But Neytiri, the blue warrior princess of James Cameron's cautionary tale about human hubris.  Holy Eyra, this alien broad was smoking hot.

She's like three times the size of an average human. If she were a house paint, she'd be "Off Smurf." She has a tail, so like, you can tell from far away whether she's happy or not. Because you can see her wagging it.

He hair braids are full of tiny, fiber like brain-penises that are able to interface with the global, natural network of the planet of Pandora. Basically, she's completely internet enabled.

She can shoot a bow and arrow. And is a little bit of a hippie, but in a sexy, sensitive way, not a stinky, crunchy way. Neytiri can ride flying dragon monsters and six-legged horse bears, too! Hott!

Did I mention she has blue skin and yellow eyes? Yellow like marshmallow peeps. She likes to make out next to giant, glow-in-the-dark trees. OMFG, so... do... I. 

At one point during the movie, I actually found myself searching and hoping for a glimpse of perky blue alien cartoon boob. I am not ashamed to say it.

The real technological achievement of Avatar is the use of cutting edge, computer generated stop-motion animation. And more importantly, how these special effects teamed up with the considerable talents of an actress like Zoe Saldana to create a ridiculous character who was, bizarrely, attractive. Every subtle tick, smirk, and bashful or longing stare was registered on a face that was purely a digital creation. And yet... this completely alien mug looked, moved, and reacted as if it were flesh and blood. A fascinating illusion rendered by the people who brought us Gollum. An illusion I believed from the moment I first saw her kill that death poodle. 

She seems more real to me than the entire cast of Jersey Shore. Go ahead and snicker. I can take it. We can take it.  All great romances are misunderstood. Anthony and Cleopatra. Zelda and F. Scott Fitzgerald. DeVore and Neytiri of the Na'vi.