Did you watch the entire Oscar ceremony last night? Really? Bless your heart. I can't do it. If someone gave me the choice of sitting through an entire 3-hour-plus Oscar show or having an Oscar statue shoved up my bum, it would be a tough decision. And I don't like having things in my bum.

So I watched the last half hour and read about the rest, which was enough. My thoughts on what I saw, for the two of you who give a crap (thanks, Mom and Dad!).

- Kate Winslet remains my celebrity crush, not just because she's exquisite, and not just because she's a terrific actress, but because she's screamingly funny, which you already know if you ever saw her bits on HBO's "Extras."

- Apparently Sean Penn had an altercation backstage with one of the producers of The Hurt Locker, this year's Best Picture winner. Turns out the guy is the new boyfriend of Sean's ex, Robin Wright Penn. But does Sean even need an excuse anymore to be a dick? Exactly when did Jeff Spicoli turn into a psychopath?

- You know who I feel sorry for? Christina Hendricks' breasts. In every photo I see of her, those poor things are squeezed to death. I hope they get a day off every now and then.

- I'm not sure they picked the best year to expand the Best Picture category to ten, because some of the inclusions were a stretch. Compare this year's nominees to the 1939 Academy Awards, when these now-classics were all in the running for Best Picture: Gone With The Wind, Mr. Smith Goes To Washington, Ninotchka, The Wizard Of Oz, Stagecoach, Wuthering Heights and Goodbye, Mr Chips.

- If Sandra Bullock can win an Oscar, anybody can. I like her, but seriously...

- I'm happy that I missed the Great Death Tribute. It's awkward when people applaud some dead actors and others get silence. Why applaud at all? "Give it up for the dead guy!" And I guess there's some controversy that Farrah Fawcett was left out. Oscar says it can't include everybody, but if you can include some 97-year-old who was gaffer on Birth Of A Nation, you can include Farrah.

- Helen Mirren: GILF!

- A woman (Kathryn Bigelow) finally won Best Director. It's about time. And I'm glad "King Of The World" James Cameron didn't win. He probably should've, but I really didn't want to see him make an ass of himself on TV again. On the other hand, he freely admits he was an ass on TV when he won for Titanic, and last night he seemed genuinely happy that Bigelow, his ex-wife, won the Oscar for her work on The Hurt Locker.

- Loved the announcer this year: "Coming up, the nominees for Best Pitcher!" Where'd they get her, the Grand Ol' Opry?