Relationships are defined by boundaries, and the only way to draw, erase, and redraw those boundaries is by talking. Unless we're talking about telepaths in love, it is essential that two people in love be able to safely reveal their insecurities, fears, hopes, and fantasies. Especially fantasies - how can you expect your lover to itch that scratch if you don't tell him or her the exact location of that special spot? In the future, we'll all probably be cyborgs with green and red lights built directly into our forehead, which will allow us to communicate without cumbersome words. But until then, we all really do need to talk.

But you have to understand that while most men accept that communication is important, we still dread those four words. Most men have had many talks that were constructive and improved a relationship. I'd say that 95% of the "talks we need" are harmless, and actually productive. Leave it to the remaining 5% to ruin each of those four words. Every man has the following experience: they're sitting on the couch watching Batman Begins for the twentieth time, and in strides their significant other, arms folded and brow tightly knitted. She says "We need to talk." And like that, his life changes. It changes in an instant. The great writer Joan Didion wrote about life changing in an instant in her classic memoir about loss The Year of Magical Thinking. One minute, bro is mad chillin'. The next minute there are tears, accusations, and ultimatums. It feels like getting ambushed by a tornado of weeping monkeys. Then, like that, it's gone. Was it a misunderstanding or a long-winded clarification? Perhaps she just needed to get something off her chest, like a nervous breakdown? Sunbeams part through the dark clouds of her mood to reveal a skeleton that was once a man just sitting on his couch. 

Be wary of using those words. Instead of saying "We need to talk," try rephrasing it. Try "Hey sporto, let's mouth jam," or "Here's a beer, and open up our hearts and taco spouts." Never use the four word phrase "we need to talk." While you're at it, avoid these four word phrases too. They're all pretty loaded, and you probably won't get the reaction you want. In some instances, the reaction you get will be the exact opposite of what you want. What can I say? Dudes are sensitive creatures, like panda bears.

1. "Size does not matter."
2. "Do what you want."
3. "Mom is coming over."
4. "When is Date Night."
5.  "I think I'm late."
6.  "Do I look fat?"
7.  "Did I wake you?"
8.  "Be honest with me."
9.  "Who are you texting?
10. "Don't talk to me."