Say hello to the year 2010. Once again, a fresh start; twelve months full of possibilities. It's during this season of transition that most people resolve to change. Hit the gym. Quit smoking. Get that promotion.
Or in my case: have more orgasms. And I'm not talking tiny landmines. In 2010, I want to have more atomic bomb orgasms. Climaxes that show up on the Richter Scale. Radioactive mushroom clouds of carnal release. The kind of sexual denouements that make teeth throb, fingernails glow, and eyeballs spin. I want to get them, and I want to give them. My foxy lady and I will inspire in each other a veritable tsunami of reproductive fluids to issue forth. We will make joyful monkey sex noises unto the heavens. Howl, howl, howl. Isn't that just... beautiful?
This is my quest, and I beseech thee to join me! Sex is fun. It's healthy and natural. Bees, birds, educated fleas do it. So should you. Not to mention it prevents wrinkles and frees compacted giggles. I humbly present 10 sexual New Year's Resolutions that will improve, enhance, and totally blow out your sex life this year. Hell, this decade.
RESOLUTION #1: Communicate your sticky needs more; after all, we're not post-apocalyptic skeleton robots. We're people, made out of flesh, and blood, and bone, and puppy dog tails. Listen to your luvah. And return the favor: courageously outline exactly what needs to be spanked, suckled, or pinched. Yes, it's an obvious resolution. But it was obvious Bruce Willis was really a ghost the whole time in that spooky movie and most people still didn't get it. My case, rested.
RESOLUTION #2: Have sex outside of the bedroom. I'm sure it's a really nice, sexy bedroom with satin sheets, a black light, and aquarium. But, you know, a foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of boring sex. Do it on the kitchen counter. On the bathroom floor. The hood of a Camaro. The pool table. You get the idea. Do it in the closet, or under the dining room table, or in the crawl space above the garage (be careful of insulation.) The point is: sex can happen anywhere. Just keep an eye out for cops. And check for ticks.
RESOLUTION #3: Plan to be spontaneous. How is that possible, planning for something spontaneous? Did your mind just explode from crazytalk? It's easy to get stuck in a sexual rut. The first step to breaking out of a regimented booty schedule is to admit you are trapped in one. Now, go have a "nooner." You remember: sex, randomly, in the middle of the day. Specifically, "noon." Pop quiz: when would a "twoer" be? Bang it out before that dinner party and show up slightly... ripe. Lest we forget: good morning, boner!
RESOLUTION #4: Win an Academy Award for pounding it out. That's right... role play. Use a little imagination and throw a fistful of cayenne pepper into your Friday night chili pot of... oh gawd, that's gross. Spice things up, campers. The dirty secret to role playing is that you're both cheating on each other with one another. Totally hot. So... pretend you don't know each other at a bar, and slut out. Or dress up like a naughty nurse and a naughty hobo. Naughty hobo, where did you hide those beans! Or my favorite role play pairing: horny ninja and man dressed as a ballerina! I'm the ballerina!
RESOLUTION #5: Leave the lights on whilst rutting. This will encourage eye contact, and therefore, mental connection. Sex is so much more than prong and socket. The more the brain is engaged in the proceedings, the more intense the experience. Remember that ancient saying, all nerve endings lead to Skulltopia. Now, the lights are on: it's totally polite to stare. Compliment each other's bodies. If you're a woman, say "Your wang is a magic thunderbolt." If you're a man, say "Your breasts are beautiful and so is your ass." Or, at least, say stuff in those ballparks. Be tender, be sincere, be thankful you have nekkidness in your life.
RESOLUTION #6: Try out a new sexual position. There are so many ways to play patty cake than the missionary, doggy, and crippled doggy positions. Moth ball the Saturday Night Special; discover exciting and unfamiliar ways to grab ankle! Read some books on the topic, there are plenty out there. Or use your computer's information pipes to discover funky, new positions. And try them out, even if it means having to stretch for fifteen minutes first. At the very least, the two of you will laugh while trying. Laughing is good, because sex is the goofiest sh!t nature ever came up with.
RESOLUTION #7: Visit your local erotic depot. And do it with the person you are swapping juices with. Every city has at least one reputable sex shop that doesn't look like a place where sad men go to earn hours in hell. These stores sell sexy goodies to healthy grown-ups. It's not a necessity you leave with a pallet piled high with robo-penises and assorted plugs. Browse as a couple, a powerful pair of sexual were-panthers. Don't leave until one of you has found at least one new toy - a sleek and slender bean buster, a playful looking paddle, or a leather junk ring. Then go home and, you know, play with them. A kindly reminder: lube is like ketchup. You really can't have enough. Luckily, it doesn't generally come in infuriating little packets. Purchase a mammoth tube or three.
RESOLUTION #8: Get some exercise in, twenty minutes of waddling a day should do it. Research shows that the more physically active you are, the more likely you are to increase your libido. Where is that research from, you might ask? It's from my personal study titled "When I'm A Chubby Bastard Sucking Cheez Whiz Off My Egg Roll Fingers I Don't Want To Have Sex As Much As When I Don't Eat Like A Warthog And Walk At Least Twenty Minutes A Day." It's scientific. Do it. You'll feel better about yourself, and confidence is sexy. Get the blood pumping, flowing, and ready to surge.
RESOLUTION #9: Just because you're at work doesn't mean you can't send that special someone a surprise dirty text. Send them a filthy, perverted text inviting them to debase themselves with you, a bottle of champagne, and a raunchy porno. The kind of text that, if spoken aloud, would give the angels brain seizures. Let that special someone know that you're thinking about them, that out of sight doesn't mean out of mind. Aw, romantic, huh? Plus, you'll be reminding this lucky humanoid of the last time you were together, when you milked every moan out of them. Aw, debauched, huh?
RESOLUTION #10: Rediscover the "dry hump!" Rescue it from the clumsy clutches of awkward adolescents! Revel in its hearty, lusty revolutions! It is a mighty way to get the delicate machinery of fornication properly oiled. As a form of foreplay, it is second only to the vaunted "finger blast." Take time, this year, to make out, fool around, and heavy pet. Don't be in a rush to churn panty butter. Savor hot, wet kisses that start as pecks, but grow into hungry gulps. Trembling fingers working their under shirts and up cool flesh. Hips locking together for the first time and greedily grinding through jeans. Chill. Work yourself up, before working it all out.