All guys do it. We see you with some loser and think to ourselves, "What's she doing with him?"
Is it jealousy? Of course. Sue us, we're human. We just don't
understand why a nice girl like you would stay with a jackass like these
guys instead of going out with someone like, say, us.
BASIC A-HOLE
He's smug, arrogant and rude. We can totally see why you like him. "He's friendly once you get to know him." If you say so. We don't want to get to know him.
EL BURPO, THE DRUNK
Maybe it's leftover from your babysitting days, but some women seem to enjoy taking care of a guy who doesn't know when to say when. By 9, he's a barrel of laughs. By 10, he's loud and a little too pissed about the score of the game on TV. By 11, he's wasted and you leave before they toss you. By 12, you pull over so he can barf by the highway. Is this your idea of fun? Because it will happen again next weekend.
SOURPUSS
No, he doesn't want to go out to dinner (too expensive), or to a club (too crowded), or to a movie (they all suck). Everyone is stupid and they all get on his nerves. We can see why you date him.
THE PLAYER
Oh, that guy is your boyfriend? We just overheard him hitting on another woman while you were in the bathroom.
THE PSYCHO
It was totally your fault that you were late for the party. How do we know? Because we listened to him berate you for 20 minutes. And that's in public. We shudder to think how he treats you in private.
MACHO SH*THEAD
Picture dinner at Hooters and lots of high-fives with the other guys during the game.
MILQUETOAST
The polar opposite of the Macho Sh*thead. We're all for sensitive guys, but our iguana has bigger balls than this 90-lb. shrinking violet with the limp handshake and the tousled girly hair.
CHRIS FARLEY
Do you really like 'em fat and sloppy, or is this just a pity date? Here's a napkin -- wipe that mustard off his pants.
MASTER AND COMMANDER
A guy who knows what he wants is one thing, but a guy who dictates what you want is another. He tells you where to go, when to be there, how to dress, which car to buy, why you picked the wrong career and which girlfriends you should dump because they're no good for you (i.e. he doesn't like them). Dump him instead.
SIR CLINGS-A-LOT
Isn't it nice to be wanted? Sure, until you get tired of having his arms on you every minute of every date, or when you don't go out with your girlfriends because he makes you feel guilty for leaving him at home alone. He needs a teddy bear, not a girlfriend.
TRAVIS BICKLE
Does it speak? Or just glare? "You talkin' to me?" Nope. You scare us, buddy.
BASIC A-HOLE
He's smug, arrogant and rude. We can totally see why you like him. "He's friendly once you get to know him." If you say so. We don't want to get to know him.
EL BURPO, THE DRUNK
Maybe it's leftover from your babysitting days, but some women seem to enjoy taking care of a guy who doesn't know when to say when. By 9, he's a barrel of laughs. By 10, he's loud and a little too pissed about the score of the game on TV. By 11, he's wasted and you leave before they toss you. By 12, you pull over so he can barf by the highway. Is this your idea of fun? Because it will happen again next weekend.
SOURPUSS
No, he doesn't want to go out to dinner (too expensive), or to a club (too crowded), or to a movie (they all suck). Everyone is stupid and they all get on his nerves. We can see why you date him.
THE PLAYER
Oh, that guy is your boyfriend? We just overheard him hitting on another woman while you were in the bathroom.
THE PSYCHO
It was totally your fault that you were late for the party. How do we know? Because we listened to him berate you for 20 minutes. And that's in public. We shudder to think how he treats you in private.
MACHO SH*THEAD
Picture dinner at Hooters and lots of high-fives with the other guys during the game.
MILQUETOAST
The polar opposite of the Macho Sh*thead. We're all for sensitive guys, but our iguana has bigger balls than this 90-lb. shrinking violet with the limp handshake and the tousled girly hair.
CHRIS FARLEY
Do you really like 'em fat and sloppy, or is this just a pity date? Here's a napkin -- wipe that mustard off his pants.
MASTER AND COMMANDER
A guy who knows what he wants is one thing, but a guy who dictates what you want is another. He tells you where to go, when to be there, how to dress, which car to buy, why you picked the wrong career and which girlfriends you should dump because they're no good for you (i.e. he doesn't like them). Dump him instead.
SIR CLINGS-A-LOT
Isn't it nice to be wanted? Sure, until you get tired of having his arms on you every minute of every date, or when you don't go out with your girlfriends because he makes you feel guilty for leaving him at home alone. He needs a teddy bear, not a girlfriend.
TRAVIS BICKLE
Does it speak? Or just glare? "You talkin' to me?" Nope. You scare us, buddy.
I've dated a basic A-Hole and a Milquetoast. The relationship with A-Hole lasted longer because at least he had balls. My Milquetoast also overlaps with Sir Clings-A-Lot.
I'm sure you could form any combo of these guys and make up a whole new smattering of losers. For example, I've had friends date a macho shithead, psycho, player. Boy he was a gem!
Fun list! Love is blind, I suppose. The reverse is also true. We don't understand why guys choose to be with some of the women they are attracted to either.
I'm very familiar with a combo platter version of these guys: Psycho, Master and Commander, and Sir Clings-a-Lot in a Chris Farley wrapper. Yeah. After a couple of decades it's time to jettison that prize.
I know a friend with a Master and Commander. I'm still waiting for her to get it in her head that he's bad news and leave him.
My friend dated a combo Player and El Burpo. I've dated a Basic A-Hole and a combo of Chris Farley and Sourpuss. All of these relationships lasted a total of at least a year, two of the three kind of off and on. Love is rather blind sometimes.
Yes, it is. I've dated a few of these in female form. Sometimes it takes a while for someone's true colors to show.
What about the classic "commitment phobe" and "mid-life crisis" guy? Perhaps those are combo-plates of the above entrees...? :)
I've been dating a guy for almost a year (I know, I know) who doesn't want to be pressured to define our relationship, but whose "mistresses" aren't other chicks, but random expensive Best Buy purchases, playing video games and motorcycle parts.
This guy won't even commit to a year long gym membership he's been attending for 6 years. He pays monthly.
I'm the one with buyers remorse.