Men love sex. "Men love sex," says relationship expert Dr. Don JeVore PhD, author of the best-selling book "Men Love Sex," and its sequel "Men Really Love Sex." 11 out of 10 penises agree that men love sex.

But you don't need professionals or polls to tell you what you already know: if you don't have sex with your man, he will never marry you. And if you don't get married, then you might as well upholster yourself and accept life as a sofa. A dusty sofa no one wants to sit on.

Sex is a beautiful, physical connection between two human beings. But if you don't learn these mind-blowing, taboo, pornomazing sex tricks and tips, then your boyfriend will cheat on you. He will up and leave you for a happy hour floozy. And he will end up marrying that floozy and you will become a hoarder and die alone. When they find your body, it will be buried under an avalanche of Little Debbie boxes, stuffed animals, and snow globes.

Follow these hot, orgasm-inducing, boner-inspiring sex tips to the very letter. Then, maybe, he will be happy. Which means you will be happy. Remember: if he fled, it's because you weren't good in bed.

1. Get His Juices Flowing

Seductively wrap your fingers around his manhood and with your other hand, start slapping his knob like it was the bottom of a bottle of ketchup. It works on fries. If he doesn't like this, he will let you know. He will scream like a majestic seabird. Communication is important.  

2. A Cherry On Top

During dinner, order a cocktail with a cherry. Take the cherry stem with you to the powder room and later that night, as things are getting hot and heavy, show him how you tied the cherry stem in a knot with your vajayjay! How is this possible? Here's a hint: practice your Kegel exercises.   

3. Roller Coaster Of Love

Most guys are bored with getting head while driving. So you need to mix it up. Next time you're on a roller coaster, risk a broken neck by going down on him, while zooming upside down. This will be completely unexpected and potentially fatal.

4. Push His Pleasure Button

Instead of sneaking a finger in his backside, go for the gold. A man's prostate is the male g-spot, after all! When he's least expecting it, quickly shove a pine cone or avocado up his posterior. Just jam it up there.  

5. Play Dress Up

If Jesse James has proven anything to the world, it's that manly, tattooed dudes love it when a woman dresses up like a Nazi. He'll love it as you goose-step out of the bathroom and deliver a sexy "Heil, Hitler!" Other scandalous dress up ideas: Stalin, Pol Pot, and his High School gym teacher.  

6. Beat Him Off

 Has he been a bad boy? A really, really ba-a-a-ad boy? G'head and ask him. Did he say yes? Then spank him. If he's been an exceptionally bad boy, then dispense with the paddle. Use a car antenna, or bicycle chain, or a skillet. Welts are just how the skin says "More!"   

7. Krispy Cream

He won't complain about you eating donuts in bed, especially after you slide one on his wang and eat it off. A half dozen donuts later and he'll be sticky all over.  

8. A Little Tease, Please

A little bondage never hurt anyone. Blind fold him first. Then lay him on his belly. First, tie his ankles together. Then tie his hands behind his back. Tie his ankles to his wrists. Don't forget to double knot! Kick him off the bed to the floor. One day later, he'll be BEGGING you!  

9. Now, A Twist

A little known fact is that a man's nipples aren't totally useless coins of flesh. They are, in fact, like little sex ignitions. Don't be afraid, while he's on top of you, to pinch, pull, and generally treat his nipples like rubber bands you want to send soaring across the room.    

10. Don't Come A-Knockin'

Guys love rock concerts and live sporting events. What do these two things have in common? Portable toilets. Shock your man with a spontaneous hook-up in a giant plastic toilet full of chemicals and human refuse! Rock on, rock star!

11. Whisper Naughty Nothings

While in the heat of passion, talk dirty to him. Let it all out! Say things like "Check for oil, you stupid mechanic! Deeper!" Or "Let's do it like two fat pigs humping in their own mess!" Or "If you stop, I'll puke." 

12. Assume The Position

This sex position is an erotic classic, and not for beginners. In "Kama Sutra," it's known as "The Dragon's Burning Lotus." First, he should do a headstand. Then, you wrap your left leg around your neck. His right hand should rest on your left buttock. Curve your back. He should spread toes as far as he can. Suck his kneecap. Twist. Undulate. Place his leg under your arm. Spin. Buck. At this point, your lower chakras should be giving off sparks and the universe should have revealed itself to you. Your man should also be a pair of eyeballs floating in a puddle. You might need some Ben Gay.   

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