What you say on a first date is more important than what you wear, order, or smell like (stupid doesn't wash off.) If the eyes are the windows to the soul, then words spoken are the credit ratings of the soul. Judging from what a person says, you can tell who they are, what they believe, and how they think. All three of those pieces of information are essential in deciding whether or not you should give this person your heart or genital organs.
I've learned one thing about dating. If you let the other person talk, and you listen very careful, he or she will tell you everything you need to know.
So listen closely, and if you hear any of the following 15 phrases, put on your best robotic poker face. Nod. Play the "mirror game,": where you subtly mimic whatever reaction the other person has to his or her own hilarious bon mot or sweeping platitude. Meet a guffaw with a quiet chuckle. If he or she grows serious, tie your brow up with fake concern. Once the date is over, shake hands, lie through your teeth about what a good time you had, then make like e.coli and run.
1. "Have you ever peed lava?"
2. "So, are you a Republican, or a fruity, spiral dancing hippie liberal puke?"
3. "My sister-wives are going to love you."
4. "My friends call me the "Costco Of Emotions."
5. "This boner is uncomfortable. Maybe later, you'd like to hear Cerberus bark?"
6. "It's a diet I invented, because I have fat elbows. I can eat anything I want, so long as I use this tiny fork."
7. "I'm a Pisces, with a Cancer rising. Which means I'm romantic, family-oriented, and one day, I hope to be all filled up with penis stars."
8. "People always confuse "jail" with "prison."
9. "I don't know about you, but my ex is a psycho bitch who won't call me back."
10. "I'm not "unemployed." I'm "pre-employed."
11. "Pedicabo ego vos et irrumabo."
12. "During that terrible summer, Pa would sit on the porch and drink rye, because what else was he supposed to do? The slaughter house was full of robots and they did his job now. Slicing up the steer. Gutting them. It's all he'd ever done, since he had been a boy. That summer we were hungry, waiting for Pa to snap out of it, stop hiding in that bottle. And Ma, well, she just slept all day, laid out on her bed with her arms on her side, as if she were auditioning for the grave. So we was hungry and I would spend my days down by the creek, making mudpies and pretending they was chocolate. After a month or so, Pa came for my pet turtle Alexander, because the fridge was haunted by the ghosts of food. Cracked him open, he did. Because we were starving, you see? And that's why soup makes me cry."
13. "I am SUCH a Miranda. Don't you think?"
14. "Hold still, you have an eyelash on your cheek. I collect them."
15. "Oh, I ate a powdered donut before meeting you. "Powdered donut" is what my dealer and I call it. Winka-winka."
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