Last week I wrote about how you can know if a guy likes you. This week let's talk about the flip side of that: how to tell if a guy isn't into you. In addition to an absence of the behaviors I mentioned last week, there are certain things guys say and do that are reliable indicators that they're not interested in whatever it is you wish they were interested in, whether it's a date or a serious relationship.
Like I said last week, though, there are no guarantees, and there are always exceptions. If a guy says he's going to call and doesn't, it might mean he's not into you, or it might mean that he got a flat tire on the way home from work and his cell phone died. Don't go jumping to conclusions if one or two of these things happen. You're looking for trends.
He doesn't call when he says he will (or e-mail, text, whatever, at a time when he said he would).
He's okay with you dating other people. Because he's okay with himself dating other people.
He asks you about other girls. Ouch.
Your only "dates" are horizontal. Hello, booty call.
He chooses a night out with his friends over a night out with you. Exceptions: a ritual event (Tuesday night bowling league) or something that has been planned for months, like a trip to Pigeon Forge.
He flirts with other girls in front of you. He's not thinking about how it makes you feel, or he is and doesn't care.
He doesn't care about meeting your friends or family. He knows his lack of interest in you will be obvious to them, even if it's not to you.
You haven't met any of his friends or family. I don't mean after the first date, of course. I mean after dating long enough that you should have met some of his family and friends by now.
He never compliments you. It might seem trivial, but if you've been around this guy for months and can't remember one single nice thing he's said about you, that's not good.
You make all the plans. Guys who care will lift a finger to see you.
He doesn't really know who you are. Why? Because he never asks about you.
He says you're "like a sister" to him. You know what I said at the beginning about not jumping to conclusions based on one incident. You can jump on this one. If he compares you to a sister, it's over. This one's the kiss of death.
Your gut tells you he's not interested. The gut is a smart cookie: it picks up nonverbal cues galore and adds them all up when you're not looking. Is your gut ever wrong? Sure. But it's right a lot more often.
There are more, but this is enough for now. I hope I haven't shat in your flower garden. The truth hurts, but it's better in the long run. Why waste time on someone who doesn't reciprocate your feelings?
Like I said last week, though, there are no guarantees, and there are always exceptions. If a guy says he's going to call and doesn't, it might mean he's not into you, or it might mean that he got a flat tire on the way home from work and his cell phone died. Don't go jumping to conclusions if one or two of these things happen. You're looking for trends.
He doesn't call when he says he will (or e-mail, text, whatever, at a time when he said he would).
He's okay with you dating other people. Because he's okay with himself dating other people.
He asks you about other girls. Ouch.
Your only "dates" are horizontal. Hello, booty call.
He chooses a night out with his friends over a night out with you. Exceptions: a ritual event (Tuesday night bowling league) or something that has been planned for months, like a trip to Pigeon Forge.
He flirts with other girls in front of you. He's not thinking about how it makes you feel, or he is and doesn't care.
He doesn't care about meeting your friends or family. He knows his lack of interest in you will be obvious to them, even if it's not to you.
You haven't met any of his friends or family. I don't mean after the first date, of course. I mean after dating long enough that you should have met some of his family and friends by now.
He never compliments you. It might seem trivial, but if you've been around this guy for months and can't remember one single nice thing he's said about you, that's not good.
You make all the plans. Guys who care will lift a finger to see you.
He doesn't really know who you are. Why? Because he never asks about you.
He says you're "like a sister" to him. You know what I said at the beginning about not jumping to conclusions based on one incident. You can jump on this one. If he compares you to a sister, it's over. This one's the kiss of death.
Your gut tells you he's not interested. The gut is a smart cookie: it picks up nonverbal cues galore and adds them all up when you're not looking. Is your gut ever wrong? Sure. But it's right a lot more often.
There are more, but this is enough for now. I hope I haven't shat in your flower garden. The truth hurts, but it's better in the long run. Why waste time on someone who doesn't reciprocate your feelings?
Oh God, it seems like this has been written for me... The guy I've been seeing recently told me he's "not in love" with me and doesn't want "anything serious" -- and that he's freaking out that I'm getting too attached.
I just don't see the point of being with someone who doesn't see a future with you.
This wasn't written for you. Unless you are are saying that being told that he's not in love with you and doesn't want anything serious wasn't enough to let you know he isn't that interested and you just had an epiphany while reading this list.
thanks... really helpful
SO what if he's a combination of both lists? Like he compliments you, introduces you to his friends, seems genuinely interested in you, is excited to see you, but almost always chooses friends over you and rarely texts/calls?
And I've never seen him flirt with anyone else...
mixed signals. hate 'em. to me mixed signals usually means he likey, but he no likey committment.
that definately sounds like my ex.
lol@ "i hope i haven't shat in your flower garden" love both blogs cary, but there are many of us finding cross patterns across both lists. how bout one on mixed signals and what to do with 'em?
I'm not sure I know what to do with them!
Dude, stop shitting in my flower garden! All you have to do is knock and I'll let you use my bathroom--seriously! ;-)
Sorry, it looked like it could use some fertilizer.
Yes the mixed signals what is a girl to do with those???? I mean what do you do when the guy you're in love with pushes you away then just when you're moving on with somone else, he's begging you to be with him again.
Or he does the calling emailing texting etc but you still haven't met his family and freinds and his excuse is"I dont really have freinds Im a loner." and "I dont want my family meeting anyone Im dating till Im heading down the aisle to the alter" gah... I mean heck Im a big girl I can take "I dont want to be with you" a hell of a lot better than the mind games of back and forth, and a man not acting like he wants me when he has me, but wanting me when he doesnt have me.
sorry Cary but sometimes men are just a waste of good makeup
LOL "sometimes men are just a waste of good makeup" oh man thats so harsh but it totally made me laugh. You know, as I'm in this strange new place in life called 'letting myself see reality for what it is and going from there' I'm thinkin' your guy is truly ultimately a waste of makeup, as you said. You only have one life, and I guarantee you're gorgeous and amazing enough of a human being that there are plently of healthy wonderful men out there that you can be in a healthy wonderful relationship with. (of course I am speaking to myself as well ;) And Cary keep those tips comin'! I am SOOO getting my new life out of not playing anymore games and looking to whats real and right in front of me, and you allz at GuySpeak are oddly a huge part of that! xo
A guy who only wants you when you're not available? He's just messing with you for his own ends. As for meeting family, there might be drama of some sort that makes him reluctant to introduce you to them as soon as you'd like, but if you were getting serious you'd need to meet them. You can't be thinking of settling down with someone not knowing whether you get along with his family; if you don't get along with them, you need to know that and decide whether it's a dealbreaker. Regarding friends, if he's really such a loner that he has no real friends for you to meet, that suggests that either he's seriously lacking social skills or that his attitude is so messed up that he can't maintain friendships. Do you really want to date a guy like that? Of course, he could just be stringing you along, and casual flings don't meet either friends or family.
I agree. No apology necessary.
kelly, he's keeping you round as an option, whether that's an ego stroke or you're stroking something else. Beware
Also, be wary of guys who signals that he LIKES you but all for the wrong reasons, say just to get in your pants.
Signs:
-Hes very charming, extremely smooth. Knows exactly what to say to you? UH HUH honey, you aint the only girl he smooth talkin to.
-Hes extremely touchy (if he respects you and wants to get to know you, he will look and listen rather than touch you excessively)
-Hes quick to get you over to his house...or into yours.
Unless you want the same thing as this guy, BEWARE of them. If you want the right guy, the lover/best friend, look for the sincere guy. Blushing is a great sign of sincerity, honesty, and awareness.
Even the most experienced guys will blush with a woman he finds himself fancying and wanting to be serious with.
Good luck!
Love the list too Cary.
Thank you.
OK Cary, what if he's interested in meeting my friends but not my family?!?!?
My guess: he's interested but doesn't want to rush things.
I agree with Cary. I would be more concerned about meeting friends than family. Depending on the guy, family might be a much bigger step than for others. Some guys might not think it's kosher to meet your family until things get serious, while some think it's no big deal.
It's a good sign if he wants to meet your friends/wants you to meet his. It shows that he wants to be involved in your life to some extent and expects to be hanging around your people in the future.
For some reason the post you wrote titled '26 signs a guy likes you' isn't working which sucks because I was interested in reading it.
Sorry about that. We're working on it.
Good list, although there are definitely exceptions, as you said, Cary. Some guys are genuinely just really flighty and forgetful when it comes to calling and such things (guys tell me all the time that most members of their gender aren't really fans of phone-talking unless there's something specific they need to talk about.) As long as a guy is genuinely apologetic, I wouldn't take the not calling/texting "when he said he would" too seriously, as long as he texts/calls you, you know, at all. And when he does contact you, it should be for an actual date, whether that be lunch, coffee, or a movie. But it should never be only a sleepover invitation, at least early on. I'm always surprised at how many girls can't see through that crap and somehow think they're headed for a relationship.
Also, I wouldn't take the compliment thing too seriously, depending on the situation. My boyfriend, for example, rarely comes out and says that he thinks I'm pretty, but it's completely obvious by the way he treats me, looks at me, etc. Some guys don't verbalize the same way others do. Again, it depends on the situation--I would say in general that you need to look for a combo of these things, or trends as you said.
As for those of you who are asking about "BUT what if he does THIS..." scenarios, I wouldn't read too much into the details. Ultimately, if he's into you, you'll end up in a relationship. You know deep in your gut if it's not heading that way. You can just feel it. I know I have in the past.
Yes, some guys are flighty and forgetful, but if it happens over and over again, you have to consider that something is up, whether he's genuinely apologetic or not. You're looking for trends; trends don't lie.
I feel like some of these might not apply in an long distance situation (VERY long, another country). I'm in an open long distance romance with a guy who just started a very new situation. So we aren't talking as often as we used to, down from 3 times a week to 1-2 times a week. And he does put hanging out with his friends before talking with me. I do the same. Because spending our lives next to our computers seems a bit silly. And when there is 7 months between when we get to see eachother I don't want to add the stress of monogamy to the stress of communication. Granted, if we were in the same time zone (or continent) all of that would probably be different.
Almost none of these apply to long-distance situations, because I don't consider that dating. It's a relationship, but you aren't really dating.
If he doesn't go out of his way to be around you given the chance - that's a clear indicator. And if he doesnt use your birthday, Valentine's Day or any other day as an excuse to show he cares.
Hey Cary. I'm in seventh grade and I really like this guy in eighth grade. He's really hot and we've been having awkward eye contacts alot. He's smiled at me once or twice and we've NEVER talked. I don't know if it's a coincidence or not but sometimes we end up together in awkward places. I really like him even though I don't know his personality. And quite strangely, this is the first time I've had such strong feelings for a guy. I...am very shy and thought it was weird if I randomly said hi. So, I went up to him once and told him it was a dare from my friends to ask him what his name was. His face was blank but something about his attitude said he was happy and surprised. He just told me his name and then we both turned around. He acts like he likes me and sometimes he doesn't. Like sometimes, he smiles and blushes around me and sometimes he pretends like I'm not around. I REALLY like him. He's so cute and all I want is to at least be friends with him.
What should I do and what do you think he thinks of me?
Just got out of this kind of relationship. One minute all nice and kind, then the next he doesn't even speak to me (never called me, only bbm). Especially around the holidays saying how he "hates how busy he has been with his job" etc etc. I'm not asking whether or not he was interested because I know now that he wasn't or at least was and then changed his mind lol and basically I was kept around for a booty call. CONSTANTLY had fights with his ex and that sent up a big flag. There was an eleven year difference between us. I'm 25 and he is 36. The thing that pushed it over the edge for me was "I like my space, you can't get too close to me" comment one night after....well, you know. I forget what we were talking about but I just sat there and felt like such a damn fool lol I laugh about it because if I didn't I would feel like crap. He would always say he was going to spend time with me but become too tired and didn't feel too well and would eventually cancel. Then later that night he texts me and says that he was "feeling better, guess I should have had you come over, oh well." I am being dead serious lol The next day I confronted him about the comment about not getting too close, he was all like "Doesn't mean that I don't care" and "I don't know what I said to make you so upset" like that would change my attitude about leaving (i told him I was leaving and basically didn't want to see him anymore). I talked to my guy friend and he said he just said those things to keep the my 'amenities' there LOL! Anyway, I left that 'relationship' in a hurry. Didn't even say goodbye (to his face) and I was proud of myself. I mean, I told him I was leaving in a text and then deleted him. Now I ignore all blocked calls which i get maybe seven times every other other day. The sex was great but not enough to keep subjecting myself to mind games. Thanks for this list and I'm not on some man-hating trip either because I know that there are guys out there who would treat girls good (and lets face it, some women do the SAME thing sometimes).
ok we talk everyday he nicknamed me tiger :) but he is always busy we have the same friends (how we met) and i was talking to our friend luis one day and he told me that he(kevin my crush) is always busy and wants to be in a relationship with me but everytime we tlk he seams to want to know how i am and when hes busy he says dont be sad ill ttyl is he interested or not??? helpp