Here at GuySpeak, we get tons of questions about jerky guys. Douchebags, a-holes, "bilbo scumbaggins."
A veritable rainbow of suck. So why do these guys keep getting dates?
It's the same reason why we have Nickelback albums and Martin Lawrence
movies: somebody is buying what they're selling.
Think of it as the reverse Field of Dreams: If you stop dating them, they won't come. (That sounds dirty.) Therefore, I present to you my list of the five guys you should resolve to steer clear of in the new year. My Legion of Doom of dating, if you will.
The Negator
This guy lives by "The Game," that ridiculous set of dating rules created by a guy named Mystery who wears a ridiculous hat. Basically, he makes you fall for him by putting you down. He's a big fan of "negging," which is the art of making snipey little comments that make you feel about an inch tall. (Ironically, the same size of his 'lil Mystery.) Even if he doesn't follow "The Game," Negator keeps you in his pocket by making you feel like crap all the time. His negative attitude rubs off on you, to the point where you find yourself being mean to your friends and strangers for no apparent reason. Negator is almost always rude to waiters and anyone who works in customer service.
The Serial Texter
Look, we all text. I'm texting my girlfriend right now while also typing with one hand and pecking out an IM on the keyboard with my nose. But there comes a point when a guy has to pick up the phone and make the effort to talk to you. The Serial Texter keeps you at arm's length with his magical texting device (aka, his BlackBerry Storm), which he uses as a means to avoid any talk of where the relationship is going.
The "Back Pocket" Guy
This is the guy who keeps you in his back pocket for a rainy day; who doesn't remember your birthday, but calls at 3am looking for a booty call after striking out with some skank at the club. You come running whenever he calls, secretly hoping that this time he'll realize he loves you and actually introduce you to one of his friends for a change. Really though, he has a draft of a text to another girl saved just in case you aren't available.
Manipula-Tron 5000
This guy is actually an evil robot from the future whose sole purpose is to bend you to his will through subtle (and not so subtle) manipulation. He'll convince you that you're the only one for him, even though he's cheating on you with your best friend. He'll use his powers of mind persuasion to get you to do his laundry and walk his dog, while he watches TV and texts ex-girlfriends. He'll make you think you're crazy for thinking he's cheating on you with his powers of double-talk and guilt trips. Even when you finally break up with him, he'll try to make you think that he's the one who has been wronged. The only way to stop this guy is travel to the future, to a world where you never date his kind again.
Two Face
The thing with two faces, he's sweet by night and sour by day. He'll coo sweet nothings into your ear after midnight, but come morning, he'll run the other way when he sees one of his friends in public. You'll never meet his family or coworkers, and nearly every word out of his mouth is some sort of lie. He's so good at spinning lies, his lies have little lies inside of them like those adorable Russian nesting dolls. Two Face also possesses the uncanny ability to change from "perfect boyfriend" to "raging sociopath" in an instant.
The "Deep Cover" Guy
This guy goes out with you, then disappears for days, weeks on end, only to resurface like nothing happened. If it's been over a week since he called you after the first date, it's probably a good idea to assume he's gone into deep cover like a C.I.A. agent trying to avoid detection in 1980s Communist Russia. Which is a lot more glamorous than what he's actually doing-- sitting at home playing Xbox and ignoring your calls.
The "Ish" Guy
This is a guy who can never make firm plans. "Let's go out again. Say Tuesday or Wednesday-ish?" (That "ish" means sometime between six months from now and never.) The "Ish" guy can use his favorite saying for anything. "When was your birthday? I want to say February-ish?" "I love you. Ish." His lack of commitment for even small things (like what time you're going to the movies) is almost always a bad sign for the future.
Any guy types you resolve to never date again?
Think of it as the reverse Field of Dreams: If you stop dating them, they won't come. (That sounds dirty.) Therefore, I present to you my list of the five guys you should resolve to steer clear of in the new year. My Legion of Doom of dating, if you will.
The Negator
This guy lives by "The Game," that ridiculous set of dating rules created by a guy named Mystery who wears a ridiculous hat. Basically, he makes you fall for him by putting you down. He's a big fan of "negging," which is the art of making snipey little comments that make you feel about an inch tall. (Ironically, the same size of his 'lil Mystery.) Even if he doesn't follow "The Game," Negator keeps you in his pocket by making you feel like crap all the time. His negative attitude rubs off on you, to the point where you find yourself being mean to your friends and strangers for no apparent reason. Negator is almost always rude to waiters and anyone who works in customer service.
The Serial Texter
Look, we all text. I'm texting my girlfriend right now while also typing with one hand and pecking out an IM on the keyboard with my nose. But there comes a point when a guy has to pick up the phone and make the effort to talk to you. The Serial Texter keeps you at arm's length with his magical texting device (aka, his BlackBerry Storm), which he uses as a means to avoid any talk of where the relationship is going.
The "Back Pocket" Guy
This is the guy who keeps you in his back pocket for a rainy day; who doesn't remember your birthday, but calls at 3am looking for a booty call after striking out with some skank at the club. You come running whenever he calls, secretly hoping that this time he'll realize he loves you and actually introduce you to one of his friends for a change. Really though, he has a draft of a text to another girl saved just in case you aren't available.
Manipula-Tron 5000
This guy is actually an evil robot from the future whose sole purpose is to bend you to his will through subtle (and not so subtle) manipulation. He'll convince you that you're the only one for him, even though he's cheating on you with your best friend. He'll use his powers of mind persuasion to get you to do his laundry and walk his dog, while he watches TV and texts ex-girlfriends. He'll make you think you're crazy for thinking he's cheating on you with his powers of double-talk and guilt trips. Even when you finally break up with him, he'll try to make you think that he's the one who has been wronged. The only way to stop this guy is travel to the future, to a world where you never date his kind again.
Two Face
The thing with two faces, he's sweet by night and sour by day. He'll coo sweet nothings into your ear after midnight, but come morning, he'll run the other way when he sees one of his friends in public. You'll never meet his family or coworkers, and nearly every word out of his mouth is some sort of lie. He's so good at spinning lies, his lies have little lies inside of them like those adorable Russian nesting dolls. Two Face also possesses the uncanny ability to change from "perfect boyfriend" to "raging sociopath" in an instant.
The "Deep Cover" Guy
This guy goes out with you, then disappears for days, weeks on end, only to resurface like nothing happened. If it's been over a week since he called you after the first date, it's probably a good idea to assume he's gone into deep cover like a C.I.A. agent trying to avoid detection in 1980s Communist Russia. Which is a lot more glamorous than what he's actually doing-- sitting at home playing Xbox and ignoring your calls.
The "Ish" Guy
This is a guy who can never make firm plans. "Let's go out again. Say Tuesday or Wednesday-ish?" (That "ish" means sometime between six months from now and never.) The "Ish" guy can use his favorite saying for anything. "When was your birthday? I want to say February-ish?" "I love you. Ish." His lack of commitment for even small things (like what time you're going to the movies) is almost always a bad sign for the future.
Any guy types you resolve to never date again?
Great list, I'll keep it in a corner of my brain in 2010. And oh boy, I would so run away screaming each time I'd realise I'm talking to a negator!
I'd add the passive guy, the one who is incapable of making any kind of decisions, aka Mr "I don't know":
"I don't know, pick the day you want."
"I don't know, pick the restaurant you want."
"I don't know, pick the movie you want."
He is not as "bilbo scumbaggins" as the one you mentionned, and he is not doing it on purpose most of the time, but he is the guy I would most likely hit with a crowbar out of frustration.
To quote our very own Reformed Player, ahem:
"STONE UP JELLY DONUT!"
I once dated a guy for 4 years who was a scary mesh of all those types.. god, I was a moron..
Me too, all of those types together perfectly describe my ex.
Awesome list. There's a special place in hell for people like Mystery.. a level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theatre.
The special hell.
lol And now I'm going to go and watch Our Mrs. Reynolds. Love it!
whoa! "Manipula-Tron 5000", sounds EXACTLY like my ex boyfriend! Holy moly! haha I wish there was something like this months ago... could of saved me a bunch of time and energy being wasted on him.
i made a new decade resolution to not date guys who don't go down on me enough. seems trivial compared to this list, but i learned to not date guys on this list a LONG time ago. if he falls anywhere near this list, i get rid of him right away. and i guess insecure men go under the 'ish' guy. insecurity in a man is the biggest turn off of all time. i'm not their psychologist, mother, or babysitter.
That's a good idea, as "guy who won't go down on you" probably fits one of these 7 categories.
You are fucking hilarious. Marry me
Nickster...great list.
Not sure what title you'd give these guys (feel free to rename at will) but I'm soooo done with this type, that I'd choose to go LEZ before going back to any of them. (gay women...that was not a slam...just a flattering option if these guys don't start manning up).
THE GERBIL GUY
Not the Richard Gere companion, but the guy who is constantly in reactive motion like he's on Red Bull dialysis....curt speech, ravenous eating with small bites, talking in broken sentences quickly, fidgiting with small movements. DRIVES ME INSANE.
The "ARE YOU DATING YOUR DAD?" guy
Mostly found on online dating sites. The guy whose photos look like Joe Montana, but when you meet, he looks like Joe Mantagne.
They swear on the phone they are "fun, active, cool", but when you meet, you immediately want to introduce him to your dad as HIS buddy, rather than yours. If a guy gets the senior discount when you go to the movies...that's your first clue. What's the opposite of Cougar?
The CAVEMAN guy
Obviously raised by wolves or equal. Chews with his mouth open, picks things out of teeth like it's performance art, burps and then describes the taste...need I go on? They don't change. Ever.
and my FAVORITE....
INNUENDO GUY
On the first date with a 40 year old, everything he says is some sort of sexual innuendo like he's 13, and not even clever, just kind of pathetic. The other night while having a drink with this guy, I asked for a refill of my iced tea and he said "I'll give you a refill"....with a snicker and smirk. That was ONE of about 20 stupid comments. I'm surprised he didn't giggle when I referenced the Christmas tree BALLS decoration at the bar.
I'd rather have a guy just come out and say, "look...you're hot, would you like to come back to my place and F?"
i hate innuendo guy. it just makes me wonder who socialized them? who told them it was appropriate behavior? who told them that women like hearing crap like that?
idiots.
Thanks Nick!
...I will never again be with :
"The Spineless Little Boy Who Wants A Mommy, Not A Wife"
completely incapable of making his own decisions, but throws a whiny, rebellious tantrum when you've made a choice that he won't make...he then decides whatever you've just told him is a great idea b/c 'he just thought of it' Oy.
"The Dating Website Perv":looking for chick meat, and does't care how disgusting, rude, or manipulative he's being. Gets angry at any target who's called his douchebag ass out on his bull****. He thinks he's being 'playful' Uch.
Horrified because there a guys that are all of those guys rolled into one!
My ex husband was all of those guys rolled into one...however was best at being the negator...so i didn't notice.
I often wonder if I was drunk throughout the entire 10year marriage...that's the only way to explain the reason I stuck around!!
i've experienced the "serial texter" firsthand. he's definitely a douche to avoid.
"Unstable guy" The guy who's sweet and nice, but doesn't have his life together. If his life is a mess, his relationships are a mess and eventually he'll flake out on you despite all his promises.
"Deep Cover" sounds exactly like the guy I'm seeing right now! He's in grad school, so I know he's busy, but nobody's THAT busy! How long does it take to return a message? We've been going out since October, and it's gotten progressivly worse. If he never called back after the first date I would take a hint. But 5 months in, he'll text me asking to go out. I'll text back saying sure, then I never hear back from him. If he doesn't want to go out, why does he text me first? And if he does, why doesn't he answer? It happens all the time! I don't see it ending well.
P.S. How are you suppose to break up with a guy you can't reach?
I sent mine a Dear John letter via e-mail. I know it's kind of a dick move to break up via e-mail, but I WAS NOT going to chase him down. I was that done.
The funny thing is he responded to my letter a week and a half later, and complained that I didn't give him a chance to fix things.
I don't regret firing him at all.
hahah! this is great! :D
I dated a deep cover guy once. Nice guy, really flighty. It wasn't so much that he was at home playing xbox, it was more that he would start driving in a direction with a couple of his buddies and just see where they ended up. Usually by the time they got there they were so stoned that he neither had the desire to nor probably the capability to contact me. What was really the icing on the cake is when he disappeared for three months, and one evening I get a text that said something like 'hey cutie, what's up? want to go for a late dinner at the usual spot' I had tried contacting him during those months, never got a reply through phone or computer, finally I gave up and started dating other guys. So i told him very nicely that I had figured he wasn't interested in me when I hadn't heard from him in months and that I had a date tonight. Maybe some other time we could hang out as friends, but I really had to draw the line there.
Great List Nick!!
But you forgot one of the classics; The Honeymooner:
A beast with no soul who mimics the romantic bearings that lays in the hearts and minds of Man. A cheat designed to manipulate the senses and hinders all logic that renders his victims defenseless. A true hellion who’s natural zeal is to live and die by the game. Once his sexual appetites have been satisfied, he will disappear from the world only to continue to pray on Potential victims.
OMG, I am the serial texter and the ish guy!!!!!! But I'm a girl... Ah, well, at least I'm not dating me :)
Emo Guy- if you get diagnosed with cancer, he'll complain that you're not being sensitive enough about how sad it makes him. Plus, he gets whatever he wants and wins every argument- otherwise, he'll kill himself, and it'll be your fault.
ok Manipula-Tron 5000 sounds like my husband i told him i wanted a divorce and that i couldnt be with him anymore because of what he had put me through with cheating an the emothional abuse but he turns it around as if i deserved all of it but i took him back when i realized i still loved him and i didnt want him fucking my friend but now i feel like i made a mistake....what should i do
dump him. if he cheats on you and emotionally abuses you then he doesn't deserve your love.
The Homeschooled Boy, who never wants to leave his house, and doesn't have any knowlege of the outside world. Never takes you on a date, and never touches you infront of his mother. I honestly Don't know how I ended up with this one.
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