Was putting the finishing touches on the October interview when this question dropped into my mail queue. Figured it was important enough to bump the interview back a week and expand into something more general. I took the liberty of trimming out a few things which are possible identifiers to the questioner concerned
One question and one question only should be guiding you right now.
I'm not saying it won't, but I'd also not bet on it. Breaking the cycle of abuse is very hard, and most abusers will eventually re-offend. Maybe your husband is different, I don't know, but there is nothing wrong with keeping your eyes open here.
Most people will say get out now, and while I agree, the presence of your daughter, combined with no job or experience, is a major hurdle to overcome.
It is time for you to work towards leaving. Do the basic preparations now, as under the radar as possible, and you will be able to leave instantly if he ever gets abusive again.
Safe Haven
First, find your local womens shelter. Memorise the address and how to get there. Don't rely on writing it down, memorise it. Ditto for your local police station. If you have to leave at night, go there first. Different shelters have different policies, but they all dislike unannounced visitors in the night, while cops are pretty much used to it.
Consider your family and friends. Is there anyone who can take you in for the short or medium term? Shelters and the police are your first port of call in an emergency, but they can't keep people forever.
Finances
Do you have your own bank account? I am guessing that is either a no, or it is in a pretty sad state if it exists. Get some cash together and keep it hidden. Cash is king when you have to leave suddenly, and it makes you very hard to track. You'll not be able to put aside much, but every little bit helps. A dollar here, a fin there, it adds up surprisingly quickly. Do not be tempted to use that stash for anything else. That is your get out of jail card, don't waste it.
There is a huge difference in walking out with nothing in your wallet and walking out with 50 or 100 bucks guaranteeing the pair of you a couple meals and some transportation.
Proving Yourself
Get your documents together. Drivers licence, qualifications, passport, birth certificate for both you and the child, immunisation records: start keeping them all in one place where you can grab them quickly.
An ID-less person is a problem for the various organisations that are out there to help you. Sure, ID can be replaced, but its not quick and is an extra bit of stress precisely when you don't need it. So think ahead.
Stocking Up
Prepare yourself a bugout bag, and keep it where you can easily grab it but where it is not obvious. Yes, I know it is a survivalist concept, but guess what? You are in a survival situation here. You may not have the luxury of time to pack, so this is a rather important step.
Don't overload it with non-essentials. You might have to carry it and your child at the same time.
You'll need a change of clothes for both yourself and the child, with spare underwear and socks, at least. If your daughter is still on formula, throw a tin of that and a spare bottle with teat in the bag. A couple of disposable diapers, if needed. Some candies too - you'll need the sugar boost once the adrenaline wears off. A small bottle of aspirin is a good thing to carry, as is a bar of soap and some wet wipes.
Getting Up Your Courage
The hardest step of all, which is why I left it until last. No one ever has the right to abuse you, physically or mentally. Yet it happens, and people put up with it. Men as well as women. Sometimes for decades. It is just stupid.
Do you really want your child growing up thinking that Mommy getting hit is normal family life? What is that going to teach them, when it is time for them to settle down? I called it "the cycle of abuse" for a reason. Most abusers come from abusive families themselves.
Words to live by. And words to live for.
Good luck, and I hope things work out for you.
"My husband WAS very abusive to me. The physical abuse stopped, after going to a men's support group. Should i stay or leave? We have a child. I am a student. No work experience because I cared for the baby...WHat to do?"
One question and one question only should be guiding you right now.
Will the abuse stay stopped?
I'm not saying it won't, but I'd also not bet on it. Breaking the cycle of abuse is very hard, and most abusers will eventually re-offend. Maybe your husband is different, I don't know, but there is nothing wrong with keeping your eyes open here.
Most people will say get out now, and while I agree, the presence of your daughter, combined with no job or experience, is a major hurdle to overcome.
It is time for you to work towards leaving. Do the basic preparations now, as under the radar as possible, and you will be able to leave instantly if he ever gets abusive again.
Safe Haven
First, find your local womens shelter. Memorise the address and how to get there. Don't rely on writing it down, memorise it. Ditto for your local police station. If you have to leave at night, go there first. Different shelters have different policies, but they all dislike unannounced visitors in the night, while cops are pretty much used to it.
Consider your family and friends. Is there anyone who can take you in for the short or medium term? Shelters and the police are your first port of call in an emergency, but they can't keep people forever.
Finances
Do you have your own bank account? I am guessing that is either a no, or it is in a pretty sad state if it exists. Get some cash together and keep it hidden. Cash is king when you have to leave suddenly, and it makes you very hard to track. You'll not be able to put aside much, but every little bit helps. A dollar here, a fin there, it adds up surprisingly quickly. Do not be tempted to use that stash for anything else. That is your get out of jail card, don't waste it.
There is a huge difference in walking out with nothing in your wallet and walking out with 50 or 100 bucks guaranteeing the pair of you a couple meals and some transportation.
Proving Yourself
Get your documents together. Drivers licence, qualifications, passport, birth certificate for both you and the child, immunisation records: start keeping them all in one place where you can grab them quickly.
An ID-less person is a problem for the various organisations that are out there to help you. Sure, ID can be replaced, but its not quick and is an extra bit of stress precisely when you don't need it. So think ahead.
Stocking Up
Prepare yourself a bugout bag, and keep it where you can easily grab it but where it is not obvious. Yes, I know it is a survivalist concept, but guess what? You are in a survival situation here. You may not have the luxury of time to pack, so this is a rather important step.
Don't overload it with non-essentials. You might have to carry it and your child at the same time.
You'll need a change of clothes for both yourself and the child, with spare underwear and socks, at least. If your daughter is still on formula, throw a tin of that and a spare bottle with teat in the bag. A couple of disposable diapers, if needed. Some candies too - you'll need the sugar boost once the adrenaline wears off. A small bottle of aspirin is a good thing to carry, as is a bar of soap and some wet wipes.
Getting Up Your Courage
The hardest step of all, which is why I left it until last. No one ever has the right to abuse you, physically or mentally. Yet it happens, and people put up with it. Men as well as women. Sometimes for decades. It is just stupid.
Do you really want your child growing up thinking that Mommy getting hit is normal family life? What is that going to teach them, when it is time for them to settle down? I called it "the cycle of abuse" for a reason. Most abusers come from abusive families themselves.
The guy can't hurt you if you ain't there.
Words to live by. And words to live for.
Good luck, and I hope things work out for you.
MM, great advice. My husband puts me down, calls me names and undermines me on a daily basis. He just started getting abusive physically, yesterday he put a pillow over my face and his hands around my necks so that I would "shut up''. I have been seeing a therapist at a women's shelter on a weekly basis and we came up with an escape plan. My father was physically abusive and my brother was sexually abusive. I will not put up with this. No one ever should.
Best wishes to you TammyBeeLove
Good on you.
Remember - escape plan is good, but you must USE it if you need it. Not think about waiting and it'll pass.
Good luck.
Get out and never look back... I wasted years of my life, believing he would change, believing my love would change him... it didn't happen... the physical abuse was intermittent, yearly? biyearly? But I promise you, there is mental abuse as well... thus even evidenced by your need to ask for advice... don't be ashamed, its NOT you, its HIM... you have a child... I have as well and after having finally broken free myself after decades of being caught, a prisoner in my own marriage, I can only wish you the best and wholeheartedly beg you to get out now while you can... while you're young and strong and have the presence of mind to realize the abuse is wrong...the atmosphere of abuse can break the strongest amongst us over time.. PLEASE don't let that happen to you, for your child's sake if nothing else... very passionate subject to me... PLEASE don't accept another second of an unhappy situation...YOU deserve the world :-)
Also MM, no offense, but PLEASE never says "its just stupid" when men or women stay, even for decades, in abusive situations... Attitudes like that are what kept ME stuck forever...as I was sooooooo ashamed and embarrassed and afraid to ask for help or let anyone close to me know the truth... as they had that attitude as well... HOW STUPID... The woman above whose partner put a pillow over her face and hands around her neck? That is a gesture of DEATH, of being killed...I was threatened with my own death as well as the death of my children should I leave.. abused women, mothers, sisters, ARE NOT STUPID... It is NOT stupid to be AFRAID of a death threat, and abusers are NOT always bluffing... they can be psychopaths, nuts, or under the influence of drugs or alcohol and one can NEVER hope that they don't mean it as far as the ultimate abuse, being killed. Turn on the TV any day and hear the stats...who women and children or men who don't make it out alive... IT IS NOT STUPID... Our society in America is STUPID that they have taken so long to realize the tremendous complexities of abusive relationships and WHY so many stay... in fact, my own therapists and psychiatrists educated me that many extremely gifted and intelligent people are victims of abusive relationships because we are also extremely sensitive...so, not saying I'm Einstein, but I am passionate to educate our society to ditch the mentality that abuse victims stayed and that its STUPID.... just saying...
i completely hear what you are saying, and i do agree with you somewhat, but you know what? if someone had said those words to me as harsh as they are i may have gotten out sooner. have been asked soooooo many times why i stayed with a man with a history of arson, animal abuse, and woman abuse, and i always say "i met him in my stupid 20's. and he was a good con." i married him knowing those things, and it only got worse from there, so yeah, it IS stupid. it's just hard to see that until you are out of it. i am also intelligent, gifted, and EXTREMELY sensitive but as big a fan of him as i am, no einstein either. if someone had questioned my intelligence to my face over why i was staying with him, it would have been a bigger insult to me than anything he ever said or did and i seriously might have considered getting out of dodge sooner. i don't think women that stay are stupid, but i think some women might need to hear it, because it is very difficult for them to hear anything else that will make them leave. you are right, education is the biggest thing needed to fix this problem, which in essence proves that stupidity or ignorance if nothing else is definitely a core issue in this societal problem. but, seriously, mad respect for your thoughts as i know where you are coming from 100%.
And what you say is true at face value: "The guy can't hurt you if you ain't there." True, that is a huge and imperative first step... LEAVE. But with true abusers... they find you AFTER you leave... they stalk and they hunt... another terrifying reason many choose to stay, unless they have a HUGE support system backing them up... GO FOR IT and have the support in place if you can before you run... or some abusers, continue to abuse you via other venues, financial havoc, etc. It is just such a complex situation, especially the longer one stays... the web gets spun tighter and thus its harder to get out...but it can be done... I'm living testimony to that :-) Very difficult topic for one limited blog, but I do know you mean well and the message is great... GET OUT! And nobody does have the right to abuse another in any way, shape or form. So, good job :-)
This seems like a good place to ask...
My dad is abusive towards my mum (emotionally, not physically as far as I know) constantly insulting her, calling her stupid, cursing, yada yada. He's also a cheater (mulitple times), threatened her when she tried to bring up divorce. My mum just says she does love him, but she also knows she would be better leaving... but she hasn't, I've even offered that the house I'm looking at buying has an extra bedroom (the idea being she could have the master with the private bathroom for comfort).
For a couple months she contemplated it, and even came with me to take a look at the house, but then they found a cancerous growth during a biopsy she had to have done, and she gets better medical coverage under my dad's health care than her own works... I know I'm not her parent, and she has to control her own life and blah blah blah, but is there ANYTHING I can do? I see her regularly to get her out of the house and laughing and talk to her on the phone regularly as well, constantly tell her how wonderful she is and how much I love her and how much I look forward to seeing her spoil my future kids like she does my brothers and all the other silly mother daughter things that come up... but it hardly feels like enough...
Sidenote for w/e its worth: I have noticed too, since I hit about 18-19, my dad has gotten more of a temper towards me when I see him which was a figurative punch in the gut.... blech it sucked finding out what he's really like... I used to look forward to bringing my future munchkins to see Grandpa since he absolute loves kids and they all seem to adore him... but now... I'm starting into serious ramble territory, I'll just cut it here.
Hi! I do have a lot I'd like to share with you, thoughts, advice, and KUDOS for wanting to help your mum... but I'm working...lol... Gotta do that, too... But I'll be back later, I promise.. Just didn't want you to think nobody was listening :-) TTYL
May not have gotten back to me, but appreciate the thought ^_^;;;
Unfortunately, you cannot make this decision for her. All you can do is support her as much as possible and make her feel worthy enough and strong enough to leave when the time comes. It is so difficult to see somebody you love being hurt, but at the end of the day we all make our own decisions. Sounds like your mom knows she has a place to go (with you) if she does decide to leave. You can give her options and support, but you can't make her do anything.
Also, you mom has her life and you have yours. If you dad is behaving towards YOU in a way you do not like, you absolutely do not have to see him or allow it to happen. Nobody deserves to be mistreated by someone they care about. Let him know that his behavior is unacceptable to you, and that if it doesn't stop your relationship will. Then, stick to it.
great blog MM. i want to add for anyone that might be reading there are several important reasons to use a safe haven, particularly if there is a marriage and children involved. a safe haven is a great resort, but if you are going to have a safe haven that is family or friend related, i would strongly encourage the use of domestic violence therapy centers in conjunction with that. so important to use safe resources, whether those are official shelters or friend shelters, but counselling and therapy dedicated to victims of domestic abuse or violence is important. i went through two different streams of therapy after i got out, one of them was CBT anxiety therapy, and one of them my doctor specifically referred me to a center devoted to abuse victims for counselling. i took the therapy simultaneously, after kicking my heels over it for some time because i thought that being "safe" with my family was enough. those two streams of therapy changed my life, for the first time a professional beyond my doctor and family and support system actually believed me and knew EXACTLY what i was going through, there is no greater support for victims than that kind of support. i remember leaving there after my first session and just sitting in my car and crying forever, and the tears were over relief that FINALLY someone got what i was saying. also, i didn't have to pay a dime for it, i know every area is different, but i am sure there are free resources in most areas for victims of abuse and violence of that nature. so it is important to take advantage of those resources for your own mental health alone, but in addition to therapy the center i used also had access to legal advice and medical advice specific to the needs of abused women. again, i didn't need it, i had other resources for that, but just knowing that was there, and still is if i ever need it again, was such a huge help.
lastly, this is one thing i did not realize the significance of until i was going through it myself, but another very important reason to use these resources, again, if you have marriage or children involved even moreso, but an abuse therapist documents everything. everything. everything. in most cases of abuse it is a case of he said she said, particularly in emotional abuse as mine was, but it is no longer a case of that now as my therapist has everything on paper. you won't realize how important that is until you need that documentation, for custody matters, for settlement issues, it is very very VERY important to have that documentation in your back pocket by a respected professional, even if you never use it. that is when it stops becoming a case of he said she said, if you appear in court with therapist notes it is really hard to trump that by well, anything. until then even the police thought i was crackerjacks because my abuse was emotional and so there was no "evidence". i actually had a cop tell me once "it's not against the law to be an asshole." but yeah, it is actually, and having documentation from an abuse shelter or counselling center truly takes reasonable doubt out of any of your words. it is unfortunate that victims have to fight so hard to prove themselves, it makes them a victim all over again, but with that in place that task is less difficult. it is something that i wish i had known and taken advantage of sooner, but am glad now it's in my back pocket so to speak.
I went through the exact same thing... both verbal abuse and physical abuse.. was in a 7year relationship.. 2 years ago my ex literally punched me in the eye and broke my eye bones and messed up my nerves.. the doctors at the E.R. said I might need plastic surgery.. couldn't see with my left eye for like 4 months.. I never went back to the doctors.. then it took 9 months the bruising to completely go away.. I didn't press charges or even called the police.. I just sucked it up cuz I love him.. he saw how bad it was and just never hit me again.. before that he would beat me up all the time.. especially when I was pregnant.. he used to seriously grab me by the hair and drag me around the house or punch me in the stomach..
after the whole eye incident he really never touched me again.. he felt so bad and would not stop apologizing years later..
so I do believe they could stop..
the verbal abuse.. he used to spit on my face... call me this and that.. seriously words that would hurt.. and to be honest that's the worst abuse ever.. in my opinion all those words hurt more than all the physical damage he ever did to me.. and that never stopped.. I'm not with him anymore and I still get messages from him trying to put me down..
I do have a kid from him.. a four year old.. and honestly.. I am better off without him.. it's been 6months since I've seen him.. 1year since we split up.. it was hard to stay away becuz I do care about him.. but my daughter is more important to me... I don't want her growing up seeing me cry and be put down.. I deserve better and so does she.. and girl you should stay away.. you can do it on your own.. it's not easy but it's what's best for us..
better no work experience than bad.. once you start working.. you'll keep your mind busy and will start making your own money and become more independent.. and realize how good that feels...
good luck..