I'm a girl who wants to be single - why can't people respect that? I'm the only girl in my computer science lab - will I be taken seriously if I wear skirts? Guys always want me to send them naked pics - how come? My boyfriend started leaving a toothbrush at my place - is that a sign? I just slept with a guy for the first time - should I sneak out the morning after? I heard guys keep it secret when they sleep with "fat" girls - is that true? Love can be so very cruel in this edition of GuySpeak's Best of the Week!
Why do you guys ask for naked pictures? The chances of them actually getting them are slim but they still ask. Whenever a guy asks it's such a turn off that I'm not sure if I want to keep pursuing the relationship.
Mystery Man says:
Tacky. If I wanna see you naked, I'll talk you out of your clothes in person. I mean, seriously, it takes about 5 minutes, tops, and who needs a damned picture?
Gal Pal says:
I think the pic motivation is that you're not always "in person" with the guy who's hoping to see you in your birthday suit. But if you don't feel comfortable sending it, send him some funny shots of naked people who clearly aren't you. Best way to fight an awkward request is by flipping the awkwardness back on the guy in a big way. (p.s. if you ever do decide to send naked pics, make sure your face isn't included - the future of facial recognition software is here, people!)
GBFF, do you think there's huge social pressure on people, especially chicks, to be in a relationship? People think it's weird I want to be single for right now (even the guy I've been dating thinks it's odd I don't want to jump into a relationship with him just yet).
Girls' BFF says:
Yeah, I definitely think that there is a social pressure for women to be in relationships. But I think it's more so that it seems like so many women are looking for their husbands than when we meet women who are just out trying to enjoy their life and date without expectations (well at least without immediate expectations) it seems odd.
But it happens everywhere in life. If a man doesn't immediately want to sleep with a woman he seems odd and often gets accused of being gay or afraid of women, etc. People like boxes. And most of us like to place people in boxes to help us understand them from our own perspectives. If somebody doesn't fit the way we think they should be or how our perception has been formed, we tend to question it. The kicker is that I don't even think people mean it maliciously or judgmentally. I think it's just that our whole life is filled with labels from race, gender, job status, dating status, etc.
Labels are how we come to define ourselves and those labels also have implicit characteristics. Now, a wise man knows that he knows nothing at all and will acknowledge that labels aren't all inclusive. But generally, until people get to know you, they try to define you based on the what they do know.
So for most of us guys: woman = looking for husband immediately.
The fact that you're okay with being single almost signifies some sort of red flag even though what it really indicates is that you have a healthy sense of self-esteem and are comfortable with who you are as a person.
People are funny.
Gal Pal says:
Yep, there's a ton of societal pressure out there on single women. But you don't strike me as the kind of girl who's going to let a little societal pressure bring her down. You sound like a level-headed lady who's taking life on her terms. So don't worry about those people (and that guy) who think it's weird. Just stick to your plan, smile politely at the naysayers who don't know you and keep making choices that make you happy - you'll settle down when - and if - you're ready. Nobody else gets a vote on this one.
Is it true that some guys would have sex with a "fat" girl but never date her/publically acknowledge their relationship? I literally saw a guy kiss a plus size girl goodbye, and then turn around tell his friend, "she's a scooter.. I only ride her at night in private." They had a good laugh...what's up with that?
Reformed Player says:
Some people are, well, jerks.
It is true that there are guys who do this, but they're the exception, and a lot of the time, it's an exaggeration: she's using him for sex just as much as he is. But he's got to keep his macho pride: it's just because I'm so horny, bro!
It's usually a good indication for guys that'll be terrible in a relationship, so that's useful, at least.
Gal Pal says:
Oh my goodness, that's one of the most horrible jokes I've ever heard. Mostly because it's a total fail of a joke. (Like people only ride scooters at night? What??) Like Dan says, those guys are dooming themselves to a pathetic, miserable existence. There are a lot of great guys out there who like a lot of different size women and are proud to show them off to their friends. Don't let two dorky douches spoil the whole barrel of men out there. BTW, if you ever see those guys again, let us know. I think the GuySpeak dudes would like to have a "friendly" word with them...
My boyfriend recently started leaving his toothbrush at my house, "Just in case." I think it is a relationship milestone. Do you think I am making a big deal out of it?
Funny Guy says:
I agree with you. The toothbrush is the gateway item to sneakers, razors and then, him. What other possibility is there? He NEEDS his toothbrush? Just in case he's tripping on mushrooms and HAS to massage his gums? Just in case his teeth throw a shitfit and go on strike?
You can think of his leaving the toothbrush as his planting a flag at your house. Like the conquistadores of old, he claims that land for himself and his King (penis). Now, you as the native in the land, can either treat this with a welcoming gesture like offering him maize or creating a special place for him to keep his toothbrush, or you can question his motive. "Are you doing this because you care about me and want to develop something nice between us, or do you just care about your stupid teeth and are escaping persecution from the Church of England?"
Either way, your boyfriend has initiated his settlement. It's up to you to decide if it's settling...
Gal Pal says:
It's the famous Toothbrush Test! I wouldn't make a big deal about it, but I'd say it's a good sign and a sweet, gentlemanly gesture (he's protecting you from his sour morning breath, after all). Why not get really crazy and ask if you can leave a toothbrush at his place "just in case." Go on - live dangerously!
I study computer science. I'm the only girl in my lab. I feel uncomfortable when I wear a skirt or a tank top because I'm afraid they might judge me on my physical appearance instead of my work. My boyfriend says I shouldn't worry. What do you think?
Chic Geek says:
I agree with your boyfriend. If the guys in your lab are going to judge you based on your appearance, they are jerks and are probably intimidated by a smart woman. The kind of guy who wouldn't take you seriously because you wear a skirt is the sort of person that has problems with women in his workplace to begin with. There is no winning with that sort of person, so don't let what other people might think affect you.
Just dress comfortably and let your work speak for itself. This isn't a job or an interview where you need to look professional. Be yourself, work hard, and be confident. If you feel uncomfortable wearing clothing that might be considered revealing, then dress a bit more conservatively. But don't do it for them. Do it for your own comfort level. But you shouldn't worry about it. You got into the program the same way that they did. This isn't the sexist 1960s professional world of Mad Men, or Pan Am or that terrible Playboy Club show. You'll be judged on your actions and work, not on appearance. Anyone who does treat you differently will be just be left in your dust. Because you'll be working hard and they'll be judge-y and unable to work side-by-side with women. And that will affect their future career.
Listen to your boyfriend. He sounds smart.
Gal Pal says:
First of all, if anyone takes you less seriously because of a skirt (or your gender), that's their failure. My only caveat is that you must dress appropriately for the environment. This advice applies to both women and men - if you want to be taken seriously, dress seriously. Just make sure your skirts aren't showing your hoo-ha and your tank-tops aren't flashing your ladies. (I'd say the same thing to guys and girls sporting sexually suggestive t-shirts, etc. in a comp lab). And keep in mind that once you do start interviewing for jobs, you should be careful to dress for the position you hope to attain. (That doesn't mean skirts are out at all - just make sure they fit in the clothing culture of your office...which can vary widely). And finally - go you!!! I hope you program your way into some big bucks!
I recently read this in a relationship book for women: "The first time you sleep over, wake up early and sneak out without saying good-bye or leaving a note." What is your take on this? Do you concur?
No, I do not concur at all. You read that in a book? What was the book, How To Date Like A Jackass?
Games. Silly, torturous games. I hate games. Most guys do. Games are played by disingenuous, underconfident people who need someone else to tell them what to do. Why would you get up and slip out? What silly reason did the writer give for this lame suggestion? I'm not a fan of manipulation tactics or books that endorse them. They don't work, anyway. As if building relationships is a set of steps to follow like a recipe for a bundt cake!
Act like you want to act. Follow your heart and your gut. If you wake up early and want to leave, leave, but don't do it simply because some book told you it was the right thing to do. If you don't want to leave, don't leave. Stay, have breakfast, maybe go for a second round of what you did the night before. If a guy has a good time with you on a date but wakes up to an empty bed and no explanation, he's going to feel rejected and annoyed, and he will never call you again. Is that what you want?
I say skip the games and the arbitrary rules written by someone who knows nothing about you or what you want. Be real. Act genuinely, not manipulatively. Do what feels right and let the chips fall where they may. If a guy decides he doesn't like you because you didn't vacate his bed early enough, at least you'll know quickly that you two are not a good match.
Follow your heart, not silly rules from a stranger.
Gal Pal says:
Is the person who wrote this book Jon Hamm's character from Bridesmaids? Because that's exactly the type of thing his bad-boy character says in the movie. And you know why we delight in laughing at him in the film? Because it's such terrible, crappy, icky advice. If you feel like sneaking out without so much as a hello the morning after, I'm guessing you made a big mistake the night before.
That's it for this week - thanks for playing, guys and girls!