Why is everyone engaged but me? Why did I freak out on the love of my life? Should I take back the love of my life after he cheated? Should I block my BF after he blocked our love life? How do I find love with Chron's Disease? And how in the heck do I give good head? These answers and oh-so-much-more in GuySpeak's Best of the Week!
I blocked my boyfriend because he refuses to take it to the next level. I still love him, I just want him to realize my worth. Am I wrong?
Blocked him from what? Your Facebook page? E-mail? All contact?
It doesn't really matter - however you did it, yes, you are wrong. You are also wasting your time. Do you really think that blocking him will make him appreciate you more? Do you think he will wake up one day and say, "Hmm, she blocked me. Suddenly I see that I need to realize her worth and take our relationship to the next level"? It won't. If anything, cutting off communication and punishing him will only drive the wedge between you that much deeper.
If he knows you want more from him and he won't do anything about it, then you have your answer: he's not interested in anything more than the relationship you have now. You can block and avoid and punish him all day long, but nothing's going to change. You shouldn't have to force someone to want to be with you, and you can't, anyway. If he's not giving you what you need, drop him and find someone who will.
Gal Pal says:
I think you're right, actually. As long as the block is on the entire relationship. If you've discussed the matter clearly and he's still not willing to raise the romantic stakes for you, then block him, lock him and throw away the key.
I have Crohn's disease, which is not what we can call a glamorous condition. I'm not ashamed of it but obviously it has to come up at some point with guys (I'm gonna get sick and can't just disappear), how, and at which point do I share this? Is this a Deal Breaker?
Funny Guy says:
Here's the thing about people: we can be picky and unrealistic. Anything can be a deal-breaker. Even "glamorous conditions" like being too cute or smart can turn people off. More importantly, our unique blend of baggage or less-than-perfectly-easy parts have to come up at some point in a relationship. My advice is to not stow away that baggage for too long.
Here's why: It will be on your mind all the time, and you will find yourself at minimum white lying around things. It will suggest to you and him it's worth hiding. It supposes his reaction.
Having a chronic illness is "a thing," but it doesn't have to be "A Thing." It also, in part, has made you the you you are today. Perhaps more compassionate, thoughtful, educated, Carpe Diem-y. The very reasons this guy likes you may stem in part from you having Crohn's.
In terms of timetable, all can say is make it a Tuesday before lunch. Obviously it's on a case by case basis. As soon as you feel this relationship has legs, and as soon as you recognize in your (challenged) gut that this someone cares about you and you him, spill the beans. We all come with a set of instructions: "I don't open easily." "I snore." "I have PTSD." "I have Crohn's, and it flares up sometimes and this what it means..."
You will find someone that digs you and your manual: Crohn's is not so much your deal-breaker as it is a deal-maker.
Gal Pal says:
Remember that half of life is how you frame it. If you're able to present this info in a calm, manageable way, most guys will likely respond in kind. (Although there's no need to bring it up before date four at the earliest.) Another option: an online dating site geared specifically toward people dealing with the same condition. No explanations required. Based on a little Crohn's forum research, Ostodate.com looks quite popular.
My boyfriend cheated on me via email with an ex-gf: telling her he thought about her when he had sex with me, that he wanted to f* her, etc. He's begging for another chance, listing all these reasons for why he did it & how he'll make it up. Once a cheater always a cheater?
Girls' BFF says:
Well here's the vital question: how did you find out? If he got busted then I wouldn't trust him further than I could throw him. However, if he came to you confessing his transgressions and seemed truly remorseful then perhaps you could consider it.
I don't believe the "once a cheater, always a cheater" but I do believe that a man who's cheated and gotten away with it (if you "forgive", it technically means he got away with it) is more inclined to do so again and just learn from his mistakes.
I'm slightly confuddled by the fact that he listed reasons why he did it. Were any of those reasons justifiable to you? Like did any of it make sense? Because listing reasons almost implies that he felt some sort of logic in his actions, or at least something he could backup and explain away to you. Like, how exactly did he intend to make up for it too? And if he's giving you reasons that made sense to him as to why he cheated that you also agree with, well, in some kind of odd way, I worry he might find just cause to do so again.
Perhaps he has learned from his mistakes, perhaps he hasn't and will just become a better criminal. You have your gut to help you with that. You know him. Take everything that you know about him and put it together and remove your emotions. If you didn't "love" him, would you tell somebody else to take him back? Think about that.
Gal Pal says:
Please don't give him another chance. This isn't just cheating (which on its own would be bad enough), this is a horrible betrayal of you with the disgusting addition of disrespect. Telling his ex that he thinks about her while having sex with you? Sweetie, there's no excuse on earth for that. I'm speaking as someone who's been in your shoes...and wasted a lot of time walking around in them, giving him another chance, watching the entire episode repeat itself and only having myself to blame. He will do this again - guaranteed - especially if you give him another chance to stomp all over you. He's only sorry he got caught. And the fact that he has a list of excuses ready to go as to why he cheated? That should tell you something in itself...there is never, ever a good reason, no matter how good he is at spinning reality to save himself. Be strong - and give yourself a second chance with someone new.
I feel strong emotions for a guy that I'm dating. I freaked out about it one night and said that I just couldn't see him anymore. The night morning, I realized my foolishness and apologized. Although he said that he also regrets that night, he's been distant ever since. Are we doomed or can this be fixed?
Mystery Man says:
He just got hit by lightning from a seemly clear, cloudless sky and you are surprised he is a bit distant with you? I am surprised he is talking to you at all. Are you doomed? Probably yes, unless you do everything just right.
You managed to shift yourself from girlfriend to unstable psycho in one easy evening, which is not something he'll soon get over, even if he wants to. The dude is only human, not a mind reader, and constantly worrying what phrase or action of his will set you off next is really going to cramp his feelings of love and romance.
You can try to fix it, sure, but it'll take something that seems very hard for gals, much easier for guys. Never, ever think of, refer to, or talk about that night again. Let it just drop off the radar unless he brings it up himself. He will, eventually. Give him time to process and accept it as just one of those things that happens sometimes. Guys are good at that, if you give them the chance.
The other thing you need to do is work out why you freaked. Was it panic at the loss of control and self direction in your life? Fear of your emotions and status as "in a relationship" overriding your sense of self? (Hint - it was and is.) Relax. You are still you, in a relationship or out. Nothing can change that, so freaking (or making yourself feel good by making him feel bad) is totally useless for anything other that getting yourself rapidly single again.
Gal Pal says:
I agree that you might give the topic a little time and breathing room, but I'm not so sure this conversation should drop entirely off the radar. It's totally normally for people to freak out as relationships get serious! Serious relationships and freaking scary sometimes! The important thing is that once you realized how important he is to you, you came to your senses and quickly apologized for your panic. If he continues to behave distantly, I'd bring the topic up - in the most lighthearted way possible, reminding him how much you dig him. Emotional outbursts make guys nervous, so any humor or "in control" signals you can send him will go a long way in smoothing things over. But on the other hand? Life comes with emotions and rough spots - and sometimes we don't respond the way we'd like to. You're both learning and exploring new waters together. That's not necessarily a bad thing at all.
Reformed Player says:
Don't worry, this is one of the least difficult sexual acts you'll ever perform. Pretty much anything you do with your mouth feels good. There are tons of nerves down there, and also the excitement of getting a blowjob. So if you're feeling timid, don't worry: he likes anything you're doing. Even if you just treat it like a popsicle, he's going to love it.
Beyond that, use your tongue and explore. The head of the penis in particular is pretty sensitive, but feel free to wander all over. He'll let you know what's really turning him on. A good technique is to move your hand up and down the shaft slowly while using your mouth on the head. Oh, and don't forget the balls: they're just as sensitive.
There is just one thing you should tell him before you get down to it: that he needs to let you steer. He shouldn't do anything like put his hand behind your head, thrust his hips forward, etc. because the gag reflex does not like being toyed with.
Finally, there's the aftermath. If this is the main event, you can let him finish in your mouth or not: it's up to your comfort level. Either way, though, semen has a tendency to get everywhere and it can fly a surprising distance. Just something to keep in mind. How about it, readers? What advice do you have re: oral pleasure?
Gal Pal says:
"Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm." - Ralph Waldo Emerson. Who knew Ralph would have the best advice on this topic?
My sister and best friend both got engaged and now it's like all eyes are on me to settle down too. I don't even have a boyfriend! I'm sick of the whispers, I'm not even thirty yet --- hardly an old spinster! Do men feel this same pressure to settle down when "everyone else" in their social circle seems to be doing it?
Chic Geek says:
Everyone feels the pull to settle down, be it from external pressure (family, friends) or the inescapable march of Father Time. We can't control aging (well, not until I perfect my anti-aging potion, that is), and we can't control when our friends and family members decide to settle down.
You're right - 30 is not old. The world isn't like Logan's Run, where anyone over 21 is sentenced to death. (Sidebar: They're remaking Logan's Run? Why am I not surprised? Pretty soon, every single piece of film ever shot will be remade.) We live in a culture that values youth to the point where it is socially acceptable, nay, trendy for 25-year-old adults to play kickball and 32-year-old women to attend costume parties dressed as members of Jem and the Holograms. Didn't you get the memo that 30 is the new 25?
Because of this, men (and women) feel like they can act like they're 25 well into their late 30s and often early 40s. That doesn't mean men don't feel the same pressure to settle down as women. We have the same thoughts and pressures, whether from parents or from simply not wanting to find ourselves alone in our mid-50s. Two things make these thoughts perhaps a bit less all-consuming for men: the biological clock and the (lame) cultural trend of older men running around with younger women. But that doesn't mean we don't have them.
Look: Everyone has their own pace. Some people are married with kids by 35, some later. Some adopt, some conceive via surrogate. And some never have kids at all. Your friends and family members will be supportive of whatever you choose. Plus, I am a firm believer in the fact that there is someone out there for everyone. For now, be happy that your sister and best friend found the person for them and were at a place in their lives where they felt ready for marriage.
But don't let it change anything you do. The worst thing you can do is to get married just because it's what you think other people want you to do. That is a one-way ticket to unhappiness. Keep living your life, working hard, and being confident in your choices. When the right person comes along, it won't matter if you're 30 or 35 or 45. All that matters is that you've found him and are in a place where you're ready to start the next phase of your life.
Gal Pal says:
Amen! And the next time you hear someone whispering about you being single, tell them you're dating so many men right now you could never pick just one. They'll pipe down, I promise.
That's it for this week, thanks for playing guys and girls!