I'm seeing a theme among the thousands of questions that we six Guyspeakers are getting from you. The questions go like this:
"My guy never calls but says it's because he's really busy and blah blah blah..."
"A guy I like said he wants to ask me out but hasn't. Does that mean blah blah blah..."
"We had sex and now I hardly ever hear from him. Is he not into me anymore or does he blah blah blah blah."
Ladies, ladies, ladies. Listen to your friend the Wise Ass and listen well, ok? I've been walking this earth a long time, more years than I care to admit, and I've learned a few things about people. Two of those things bear repeating here.
1. Talk is cheap
He told you this and that and the other. Fine. I'm not saying he's a liar; I'm saying that talk is cheap. People often say what they want to do without stopping to think it all the way through. They mean well, but they are misleading not just you, but themselves, too. Others are just flat-out liars.
In creative writing courses they teach you that the best way to illustrate someone's character is through action, not talk. Think about it: which is a more powerful statement, a guy telling you, "I'm a humanitarian," or a guy helping up an elderly woman who has fallen on the sidewalk? Show, don't tell, they say, because what people do is far more believable than what people say.
2. Men are simple creatures
At the risk of sounding like I'm dogging out my fellow XYers, I believe that men are fairly simple to understand. Just watch us. Our actions speak far louder than our words. When we want something, we usually go right after it. When I need new underwear, I go to the underwear store, I find the underwear, I buy the underwear and I leave, underwear in hand. End of story. I don't stop to look at socks, I don't try on belts, I don't look for a sale flyer to see what t-shirts might be on sale week after next. I buy the drawers and I beat it.
Ok, so what's your point, McNeal? My point is this: if a guy likes you, you will know it. Once more for those of you in the back who didn't hear me:
If a guy likes you, you will know it.
He will call. He will text. He will ask you out. He will Twit you and Facebook you and Skype you. He will blow off friends and old girlfriends and studying and the frat bash and soccer practice and anything else that prevents him from seeing you. He will bug the shit out of you and he won't make excuses about why he isn't bugging the shit out of you.
If you go out once and he doesn't ask you out again, he's no longer interested. If you sleep with a guy and never hear from him again, he got what he wanted from you and has moved on. If he dates you but still keeps other women within close reach, he might be interested in you, but not exclusively.
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but if you suspect that he's not into you, he probably isn't. You could be wrong, but I bet you aren't. There's an old saying: when someone shows you who they really are, believe them.
Of course, there are always exceptions. By no means am I telling you to mistrust everything a guy says. I think most of us mean well, and there can be good reasons you haven't heard from us. But there aren't many good reasons. How long does it take to text? Shoot an e-mail? Call?
What I'm saying is that if a guy says one thing and does another, believe the actions.
Good luck.
"My guy never calls but says it's because he's really busy and blah blah blah..."
"A guy I like said he wants to ask me out but hasn't. Does that mean blah blah blah..."
"We had sex and now I hardly ever hear from him. Is he not into me anymore or does he blah blah blah blah."
Ladies, ladies, ladies. Listen to your friend the Wise Ass and listen well, ok? I've been walking this earth a long time, more years than I care to admit, and I've learned a few things about people. Two of those things bear repeating here.
1. Talk is cheap
He told you this and that and the other. Fine. I'm not saying he's a liar; I'm saying that talk is cheap. People often say what they want to do without stopping to think it all the way through. They mean well, but they are misleading not just you, but themselves, too. Others are just flat-out liars.
In creative writing courses they teach you that the best way to illustrate someone's character is through action, not talk. Think about it: which is a more powerful statement, a guy telling you, "I'm a humanitarian," or a guy helping up an elderly woman who has fallen on the sidewalk? Show, don't tell, they say, because what people do is far more believable than what people say.
2. Men are simple creatures
At the risk of sounding like I'm dogging out my fellow XYers, I believe that men are fairly simple to understand. Just watch us. Our actions speak far louder than our words. When we want something, we usually go right after it. When I need new underwear, I go to the underwear store, I find the underwear, I buy the underwear and I leave, underwear in hand. End of story. I don't stop to look at socks, I don't try on belts, I don't look for a sale flyer to see what t-shirts might be on sale week after next. I buy the drawers and I beat it.
Ok, so what's your point, McNeal? My point is this: if a guy likes you, you will know it. Once more for those of you in the back who didn't hear me:
If a guy likes you, you will know it.
He will call. He will text. He will ask you out. He will Twit you and Facebook you and Skype you. He will blow off friends and old girlfriends and studying and the frat bash and soccer practice and anything else that prevents him from seeing you. He will bug the shit out of you and he won't make excuses about why he isn't bugging the shit out of you.
If you go out once and he doesn't ask you out again, he's no longer interested. If you sleep with a guy and never hear from him again, he got what he wanted from you and has moved on. If he dates you but still keeps other women within close reach, he might be interested in you, but not exclusively.
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but if you suspect that he's not into you, he probably isn't. You could be wrong, but I bet you aren't. There's an old saying: when someone shows you who they really are, believe them.
Of course, there are always exceptions. By no means am I telling you to mistrust everything a guy says. I think most of us mean well, and there can be good reasons you haven't heard from us. But there aren't many good reasons. How long does it take to text? Shoot an e-mail? Call?
What I'm saying is that if a guy says one thing and does another, believe the actions.
Good luck.
Thanks for the reminder that actions really do speak louder than words! Good advice always.
Such blatant reality so early in the morning really hurts my brain. I prefer to torture myself with my own fantasy image of how men should be based on my early childhood development of the "Cinderella Complex" Where is Prince Charming? Although, now that I'm married I'd prefer to be locked in a tower.
"when someone shows you who they really are, believe them."
I LOVE that expression. And I love this whole post. It's been a heckuva long time since I had to consider it, but I do recall that, with my husband, there was never a doubt that he was as into me as I was into him. He spent every free moment with me. You're absolutely right Cary. If a guy is interested, he really will show it and you will have no doubt.
I appreciate your posts, and think that you are awesome for being so blunt and honest . . .even if it's what us girls don't want to hear. Thank you for that. This post is really dead on and it makes me feel good that other girls out there need to hear this once in awhile, and that my moment of "maybe he is busy . . ." really is masking my gut instict of, he's just not that into you.
It's been years since I met a girl I was really into, and I've built up quite a wall of indifference since; so unfortunately I'm generally one of those other guys that doesn't call for days, and the rest.
And I'll back Cary's statement the whole way: when guys do this, we're not that into you. If we were, we'd chase you to the ends of the earth. We go out of our way to impress you, and make sure you know we're thinking of you. Wars have been waged for the attentions of fair maidens. Make no mistake; when a guy really likes you, you'll be the first to know.
ok I got this text...is it just a BIG blow off trying to put it nicely to not hurt me??? I'm broken-hearted and devastated:( Here it is: Sweetie, I just think that I should get done what I need done in my life before I get TO involved with someone that I don't REALLY KNOW. Maybe we could plan something another time after the holidays. I want you to know that i just loved your intimate touch and your kisses but I Need to Really know if we could be together, just you and me, before I can Give you my heart forever. I just don't ever want to hurt you. i think that time will tell
Ouch. I can't help but feel for you right now, and I'm probably only about to say what you already know.
Men are great at saying what they mean, except for when it comes to breaking things off. The irony is that, in trying to let a girl down softly so as not to come across like a bastard, we're often doing the most bastardly thing possible - lacing it with false hope.
The first part of that message is the only part you can take anything from. Whatever his reasons, he doesn't see himself with you right now. Everything after that is padding, and as much as he probably thinks he's doing the 'right thing' by adding it, all it will do is get your hopes up, only to dash them later on.
This is where, hopefully, good friends come in to help cheer you up. Best of luck with everything.
i'm sorry to hear that you're devastated; this dating thing ain't easy. but let's put some things in perspective - why do you want to be with a guy who isn't man enough to say this to your face? he's too afraid of confrontation that he texts you? boo! and the whole 'time will tell' BS - that's him treating you as a plan B. he'll probably call when he wants sex or when he's in between girlfriends. he's leading you on and feeding you hope that something MIGHT happen in the future. i say tell him to keep his heart for himself. and you, my lady, go find you a real no bullshit type of guy. a real man. and save your lovin' for someone who deserves it.
Ok
So I am sureI know the answer already, but I had gone on a couple of lunch dates with a man and he would text and email (at work) and when he would ask me out on the weekends it would be last minute and when I finally distanced myself with him I asked him point blank why he would do those things and he told me that I made him feel things he hadnt felt in years since his divorce and that scared him and he apologized (not something I was looking for)...and he said that whoever landed me would be on S.O.B....
I think its B.S........so???
Ok
So I am sureI know the answer already, but I had gone on a couple of lunch dates with a man and he would text and email (at work) and when he would ask me out on the weekends it would be last minute and when I finally distanced myself with him I asked him point blank why he would do those things and he told me that I made him feel things he hadnt felt in years since his divorce and that scared him and he apologized (not something I was looking for)...and he said that whoever landed me would be on S.O.B....
I think its B.S........so???
Wow Cary, thanks for being so honest. I remembered Alex in you! (He's just not that into you) lol! I have nothing more to say, I've got the answers that I need, thank you!!! ;)
"I'm not the exception, I'm the rule."
*listening to "what you do"*
;)
Thanks, barbie.
You're so right...those stupids fairytales...They makes us believe that prince charming will come along eventually...but there is no prince charming...just a bunch of frogs...and we are definitly not princess
Thanks for the reality check!
Prince Charming is out there, Blue Sky. You just have to sift through the frogs to find him. And know when a frog is a frog and nothing more.
I love that you posted this! I have always cared less about what I hear when what I see paints a completely different image. I used to tell my ex pretend im deaf and please just shut up already..
Its so easy for people to say what they think people want to hear so you wont have to deal with the long agonizing guilt trip that comes along with the truth so you can kind of understand why people would rather skip around it but for the other people involved- yea he's absolutely right- pay attention to what you see bc it all goes back to the infamous quote: 'its easier said than done!'
Okay, but how's this one? This guy ACTS like he wants to be with me. We have awesome sex, he calls me every night, he responds to my texts, he takes me out, pays for everything, he even made kind of a stink about the fact that I never call him, and he's always the one to call...but he TELLS me he doesn't want to commit to a long-distance (if 3 hours away really counts as long-distance) relationship because we've tried it before and it didn't work out. He "doesn't trust himself" whatever that means. He TELLS me if I lived closer, maybe he would feel differently about making a commitment.
But my friends keep putting doubts in my head, saying if he really cared about me, the distance wouldn't matter to him, and he'd find some way to make it work. A couple days ago, their words finally get to me after 2 years and I give him an ultimatum. He refuses to commit so I tell him I don't want to see him anymore.
But what if letting him walk out of my life for good was a mistake? Did he really mean that he just wanted to have all the benefits of a relationship, but he was looking for something better? Or did he really mean what he said?
If he wanted to commit to you exclusively, he would. You didn't "let" him walk out. You expressed what you wanted. He chose to walk away. His ACTIONS say, he likes being with you, but he doesn't want to commit to you exclusively. Period. If you want exclusivity from a man, stand by your ultimatum. Stick to your convictions. Don't settle for less than what you want.
:(
Yeah, I guess you're right...man, how stupid am I? Well then I'm just glad I got out before I invested any more time and effort into something that's just never going to happen.
When I guy says he 'doesn't trust himself' it usually means he's thinking about or already has slept with someone else. I know because I was the 'other woman' for a guy who was trying to have a relationship with someone who lived 3 hours away. Aside from cheating, he was really good to her.
This is quite good , to all the wake up calls this one has to be the best. We usually don't like to hear what we need to hear but sometimes it's essentially important .
Great, Cary, you just cut our question pool by like eighty percent. Thanks.
The unfortunate thing is that though many girls know this, they can't quite follow through when the time comes haha. I'm so guilty of that. I'll go to my friends and they all do that horrible thing where they say "maybe he got in a car wreck or abducted by aliens" ... something pretty unlikely, but a reason for the guy not calling/texting when he said he would. And I tell myself yeah maybe so I stop crying, and text his dumb ass some more, and then cry more when he still blows me off. And the whole time I know deep down what's going on, but honestly... I just wish guys would grow some balls and SAY they're not interested. If you've hung out a lot for a month or two, I feel like you owe the other person that O.o I wouldn't just start IGNORING a guy I'd been seeing for 2mos if I decided it wasn't going to work. I'd tell him, and get him out of my hair that much faster.
So here is my situation: I met this guy- we have been going out now for like a month now- "in the beginning" he texted quite a bit before we actually met and called me like every other day...we went on our first date- it went great,kissed etc..no sex..texting and calling already somewhat decreased here...saw each other the following week- he cooked dinner, we made out but no sex...texting and calling still remained on the low....the following week he introduced me to one of his best friends(we went to a birthday party together),I spent the night at his house- sex did take place- and I was ready to leave the next morning....he cooked breakfast and asked me if I wanted to hang out with him for the day, so I did and we actually had a blast----texting and calling remained on the low....I asked him if we were going to hang out this weekend and he asked me if I wanted to come visit him at work- he works for the government.....and I agreed----WHAT IS MY QUESTION???Is he really into me- because, yes, he does not chase me down and 'bombard' me with texts/calls, but he is a gentleman when we hang out, he wants me to meet his co workers and I met one of his best friends....????
Does a guy have to be filling up your inbox to be expressing his feelings? Is that how relationships work now? No wonder I've been single for years now. Nobody invited me to that meeting!
In seriousness, I'd be lying if I said my phone charges didn't experience turbulence when I started romancing somebody, but I still don't believe you need to be in constant contact. Surely it's evidence enough of his feelings that he wants to see you regularly (and not just for sexy times), and more than that, he's introducing you to the people in his life?
Here's another quick and easy tip: when a guy starts showing you off to his friends, co-workers, family.. it's a pretty safe bet he's into you. Either that, or he's mistaken you for some kind of miraculous talking fish; I'd show that off to everybody I knew too. It's when he refuses to let you into the rest of his personal life that you should be hearing alarm bells.
He doesn't smother you AND he makes you breakfast? I think you're just scared because this guy sounds too good to be true!
Relationships have different stages. The "honeymoon stage" is that stage when you first meet, and you want to see and talk to the other person all the time. Then you move on to the next stage, which is when you start making norms and getting more comfortable with each other. It's very common for the phone calls and obsession with wanting to see each other all the time to fade away during this phase. So I wouldn't necessarily take it as a sign of him withdrawing and losing interest in you. I think it just means he's getting to know you better, and the relationship is evolving.
So evolve with it. See where it leads. Can't hurt, right?
I don't know what to think. I just want to know if the guy I'm in love with feels the same. We can't be together right now...trust me we just can't. And he's not giving me some goofey reason...he really can't. But, he calls every day, talks dirty to me, ask me about my day, wants to visit as soon as he can and he loves my little boys...asks about them, talks to them. We just haven't said how we feel. We both went through really bad divorces and he had some life altering situations after we met. He lives 5 hours away and it's hard but we made it work until we had to put it on hold. We never stopped talking though. I haven't told him how I feel so he could be wondering just as much as me. I know for a fact that he's not talking to anyone else. Am I stupid for thinking we have a future?
ok ive been seeing this guy for 3 months now, were dating nd stuff, we made it clear that were exclusive,it was going smooth,he calls me at least twice a day,five txt a day at least.we see each other at least twice a week,specially on the week ends like saturday until the last 3 weeks he started to become flaky, nd i confronted him about it and he gave me an excuse that hes going through a lot of things right now with family and work,he seemed sincere about it but i dont know why still i cant fully trust him,i dont think he's seeing other people because hes always checking in with me or were almost always almost together.. i dont know if its just me beeing crazy nd my instincts are lying to me coz my inability to trust men or its him not wanting to fully open up to be in a relationship
I know it's obvious that if someone digs you they'll contact u but in my situation - I can't tell if this guy is just pretending to want to date me or if he just wants a piece.Despite his daily txts & the fact when we're together he cuddles w/ me,holds my hand and doesnt cop a feel or try to remove my clothing.The last time we talked he was drunk & said he wanted to molest me & I told him we could only kiss but I didnt wanna do anything beyond that (he knew when meeting me that I wasnt lookin to hook up & he claimed he wasnt either).He wasnt satisfied w/ the idea of only seeing + kissing me.So I stayed home.(It was weird that during our txts - I tried calling to talk over the phone instead & he wouldnt pick up but would only reply via txt.)I called the next day to ask how he's doin & said that I knew he was drunk & was wondering if that's how he really felt or if it was the alcohol talking.I havent heard back(only called yesterday).I know he's in the middle of moving - so I'm not gonna trip.But He's been a gentleman up until now. I'm just wondering was he just pretending to be what I wanted & he really just wants to get busy or was it just a drunken moment? (cos why would someone waste their time hanging out/msging daily - if they only want to "hook up")
I would say that he's not interested in more than sex. He thought maybe he could get further than what you said he could, so he tried, and failed. Usually what people say when they're drunk is how they truly feel. If he won't talk to you on the phone, it's probably because texting is more impersonal, and it means less commitment.
This guy was doing the whole thing you were talking about. He didn't have my number so he found me on myspace, and then he would always call because someone told him that I didn't like texting. He talked about these great restaurants that he wanted to bring me to, and then when we were supposed to go on our first date, he completely disappeared. I'm not talking about just not answering the phone, I'm talking about changing his number, and pretending that I didn't exist to the friends that he had asked questions about me when he was trying to find out how to get a hold of me. I know about the whole 'if you can't tell if a guy likes you, he probably doesn't', my dad told me that when I was 12, but what could make a guy change so drastically between setting up a date, and then not showing up.
He was a chicken. Couldn't handle your awesomeness, nothing wrong with you gorgeous, that's all on him. Plenty more who would do all of that and more to just be with you. They are the ones to focus on. That one wasn't worth the dirt on the bottom of your shoes. Knock em dead!
Also, remind women for every man that doesn't call/text/email/send smoke signals, there are about 5 more in the rafters who will. Don't be bummed out on one asshole who didn't see how beautiful and worthy you are. Go catch the one that will.
So I met this guy on online & we went on a date 2 weeks ago. I told him that I am not looking for a hookup & he said he agreed. But a friend told me to be more blunt, so I sent him a text saying I'm not looking for a hookup meaning I wont have sex until I'm in a relationship, hence not looking for a hookup. He said "Well we will see where it goes" then we talked for like 2 more hrs via text. My friend told me to stop initating & wait until he initates the next contact & if he is interested he will initiate. Only thing is from the beginning it has been me asking him out, emailing, & texting first. He has said he wants to go out again, but claims to be a procrastinator. He responds when I text but they told me that it was only because he probably likes me as a person since he talks to me a lot. Is this good advice? What do you think?
Beth, it sounds like he's not that into you. I bet your gorgeous so go out and snag a great guy who will iniciate everything because he's SOOO into you. Don't waste time and energy on an ass.
what about when a guy tells you to text him?
what if a guy shows all the sign that he is attracted to you ie, looking at u always but looks away when u caught him.. tries to get ur attention but does not call you nor respond to your calls.. what does this mean?? is he just not that into getting to know me?
Need i say more?No wonder you're a wise ass cary.lol. Its pretty much applicable. See,women more often than not finds it hard to decode a mans words.Great jo!.
I have to say that for the last couple of hours i have been hooked by the impressive posts on this blog. Keep up the wonderful work.
I have to say that for the past few of hours i have been hooked by the impressive posts on this blog. Keep up the good work.