Sometimes, we get questions that span multiple entries, because they need to. Sometimes, though it is gently discouraged, we get questions by email. This is one of the multiple entry questions.
"I have a question that I've often asked but it never got answered. And it is a topic that's never been covered before here. My BF of 2yrs has a learning disability that has never been treated. He harbours a lot of insecurities due to this. I've often tried to encourage him to seek help but he's opposed to it.
Meanwhile, I am very intellectual and love to learn. He says being around me makes him feel stupid and inferior. Yet I have never done anything to contribute to this, and he agrees, his insecurity coupled with the fact that I know he has this LD, and that I'm intellectual is too much for him.
Yet we really love each other and want to be together. But this issue often creates conflict as you can imagine since it makes him feel so inferior. I have asked him what I can do to alleviate these feelings and I've taken some of his suggestions, but he still feels like this from just me being who I am.
I feel I am doing everything I can as his GF to be understanding and there for him; but I also know it's not healthy to have this kind of dynamic in a relationship. Are we doomed? I know it would help if he sought professional help for this, even if I went with him on occasion, but he says he's too afraid to face it.
I don't know what to do and I feel the more we go on without doing anything, the more it is destroying our otherwise great relationship. I'm sorry for the multiple posts, but I'm really in need of someone else's opinion, and since it is of a private nature, it's not like I can talk to anyone I know about this :("
This happens much more than you might think, and to both sexes. Just Google "feeling inferior in a relationship" and you get some 10 million hits to advice of varying quality, mostly bad, trite or obvious.
Lets start with the obvious. This is nothing to do with you as a person, or the pair of you as a couple. This is his problem, and only his problem. The guy has been laughed at, teased and made to feel dumb his entire life, so it is no surprise that he avoids thinking about it. He won't seek help because he feels it is useless.
He is dead wrong.
That is the fear talking. The fear of failing, of not living up to expectations, of being laughed at and pitied. The fact that not trying at all guarantees he fails and stays, in his mind, an object of scorn, totally passes him by. It is safer not to try. Not to show just how bad he actually is. To keep some pride in himself, if only by hiding his deficiency.
Now, who says it is unhealthy to have this sort of relationship? If you can't talk about it at all, yeah, that would be a walk away deal, but you can talk about it. You do.
You love each other enough that he has admitted to you there is this problem. Whether he likes it or not, and he probably won't, in telling you the problem at least a part of him is admitting he needs help in fixing it, and actually wants to fix it.
As to what to do, well I can tell you what not to do. Never pity him, never lie to him, and never treat him as anything less than the man you love and respect. The disability is not the man.
He has a learning disability - so what? It is important to him, but to you it should be on a par with him having a slight limp, or needing to shave twice a day. Not important at all, in other words. If you don't think it is important, treat it as important or give it any meaning, gradually he will not either.
You can help him - slowly and carefully - if you both wish. You have (correctly) not said which LD or combination of LD's he has, but every damned one of them can be improved with practice, therapy and hard work. Won't lie, there is no magic wand here, but you love to learn, and most learning disorder therapies are well within the capability of anyone to learn.
The improvement is slow and gradual, especially in adults, but it is measurable. Outside, professional help will show faster improvement, but only when he is ready to take that step. Probably sooner than you think once you get him started.
One final thing for you. You love to learn, to read, to think and to talk things over, right? Don't stop doing that. Partially as, no matter how severe his learning difficulty is, he can still learn verbally, but mainly because you should never, ever wall off a good, or even harmless, part of yourself for anyone. That is part of you, the woman he fell in love with. The woman you are. Don't change it.
Now, some words for him - tell him straight or not, it is your call.
Look mate, stop fussing. You don't get upset because your lady can give birth and you can't, do you? You don't think you are a failure just 'cause the mechanic down the local garage can listen to your car for ten seconds and tell you the fault. You don't stop walking just 'cause some people can run a mile in under 4 minutes.
You don't stop trying because some jackasses laughed at you when you were a kid.
No matter what you do, there is always someone better at it. That is life. No reason though to not try. And don't give me a load of bull about "It is not who I am." or "I can't." Your lady is being forced to be not who she is through your behaviour. Show some love, respect and dignity here.
And yes you bloody well can learn. Whether you will or not is entirely up to you.
Hope this helps ya some.
"I have a question that I've often asked but it never got answered. And it is a topic that's never been covered before here. My BF of 2yrs has a learning disability that has never been treated. He harbours a lot of insecurities due to this. I've often tried to encourage him to seek help but he's opposed to it.
Meanwhile, I am very intellectual and love to learn. He says being around me makes him feel stupid and inferior. Yet I have never done anything to contribute to this, and he agrees, his insecurity coupled with the fact that I know he has this LD, and that I'm intellectual is too much for him.
Yet we really love each other and want to be together. But this issue often creates conflict as you can imagine since it makes him feel so inferior. I have asked him what I can do to alleviate these feelings and I've taken some of his suggestions, but he still feels like this from just me being who I am.
I feel I am doing everything I can as his GF to be understanding and there for him; but I also know it's not healthy to have this kind of dynamic in a relationship. Are we doomed? I know it would help if he sought professional help for this, even if I went with him on occasion, but he says he's too afraid to face it.
I don't know what to do and I feel the more we go on without doing anything, the more it is destroying our otherwise great relationship. I'm sorry for the multiple posts, but I'm really in need of someone else's opinion, and since it is of a private nature, it's not like I can talk to anyone I know about this :("
This happens much more than you might think, and to both sexes. Just Google "feeling inferior in a relationship" and you get some 10 million hits to advice of varying quality, mostly bad, trite or obvious.
Lets start with the obvious. This is nothing to do with you as a person, or the pair of you as a couple. This is his problem, and only his problem. The guy has been laughed at, teased and made to feel dumb his entire life, so it is no surprise that he avoids thinking about it. He won't seek help because he feels it is useless.
He is dead wrong.
That is the fear talking. The fear of failing, of not living up to expectations, of being laughed at and pitied. The fact that not trying at all guarantees he fails and stays, in his mind, an object of scorn, totally passes him by. It is safer not to try. Not to show just how bad he actually is. To keep some pride in himself, if only by hiding his deficiency.
Now, who says it is unhealthy to have this sort of relationship? If you can't talk about it at all, yeah, that would be a walk away deal, but you can talk about it. You do.
You love each other enough that he has admitted to you there is this problem. Whether he likes it or not, and he probably won't, in telling you the problem at least a part of him is admitting he needs help in fixing it, and actually wants to fix it.
As to what to do, well I can tell you what not to do. Never pity him, never lie to him, and never treat him as anything less than the man you love and respect. The disability is not the man.
He has a learning disability - so what? It is important to him, but to you it should be on a par with him having a slight limp, or needing to shave twice a day. Not important at all, in other words. If you don't think it is important, treat it as important or give it any meaning, gradually he will not either.
You can help him - slowly and carefully - if you both wish. You have (correctly) not said which LD or combination of LD's he has, but every damned one of them can be improved with practice, therapy and hard work. Won't lie, there is no magic wand here, but you love to learn, and most learning disorder therapies are well within the capability of anyone to learn.
The improvement is slow and gradual, especially in adults, but it is measurable. Outside, professional help will show faster improvement, but only when he is ready to take that step. Probably sooner than you think once you get him started.
One final thing for you. You love to learn, to read, to think and to talk things over, right? Don't stop doing that. Partially as, no matter how severe his learning difficulty is, he can still learn verbally, but mainly because you should never, ever wall off a good, or even harmless, part of yourself for anyone. That is part of you, the woman he fell in love with. The woman you are. Don't change it.
Now, some words for him - tell him straight or not, it is your call.
Look mate, stop fussing. You don't get upset because your lady can give birth and you can't, do you? You don't think you are a failure just 'cause the mechanic down the local garage can listen to your car for ten seconds and tell you the fault. You don't stop walking just 'cause some people can run a mile in under 4 minutes.
You don't stop trying because some jackasses laughed at you when you were a kid.
No matter what you do, there is always someone better at it. That is life. No reason though to not try. And don't give me a load of bull about "It is not who I am." or "I can't." Your lady is being forced to be not who she is through your behaviour. Show some love, respect and dignity here.
And yes you bloody well can learn. Whether you will or not is entirely up to you.
Hope this helps ya some.
Finally got my LD testing results earlier this week and while I have never been teased or laughed about it (it's a hidden illness if you wish to call it), I still felt (even though I already knew I had something but was never diagnosed until now) that I was dumb and that something was wrong with me specifically with processing numbers and information retrieval. I'm still going through the eeewwwy emotions because of this. The frustration and anger and helplessness and hatred towards math has built up over the years, so now I have to let them go and figure out the best way to deal with it.
You have to understand, there is no singular approach when you deal with LDs. I am now experimenting on using color overlays (different colors of paper to see if I work better answering questions on pink or yellow or green sheets as opposed to the standard white), having a manipulative on my non-dominant hand for my anxiety in tests (silly putty helps divert anxiety from your brain to your hand), doing problems on the white board as opposed to a sheet of paper (tactile/mobility-oriented learners need to move more and use big muscles for brain to function better) and getting all the tutoring I could (which means I have to pay extra because the school can no longer afford hiring tutors who can work with people with LD). While I may be getting help from specialists, I am well aware that the bulk of the work depends on me and my confidence to go through life now that I know I have a learning difference.
What I'm trying to say is this: give him some time (despite the many years he has known he has it) because LD is not something you can throw away in the garbage once a person has been diagnosed with it, has gone to therapy for it and even lived with it early on with his life. There's a sense of incompleteness and being crippled when you have it and that includes feeling inferior compared to others ("Are my classmates done with their tests? How well did she do? Why can't I answer this question as fast as he does? I'm slower than everybody else! Ugh!"). I know it takes a really strong person to deal with someone who has it so...
It is your choice whether or not you can stay with someone who has LD and is still coming to terms with it. Tough act, but having worked with people with LDs myself and having an SO with ADD with all its ugly co-morbidities, it really is worth it (only that there are more moments you have to take breathers).
Here is the thing you have to remember however: if you choose to walk away, it doesn't mean you love him less and was the wrong person for him. It only means you're giving him the chance to be with someone who can meet his needs, and you are giving yourself the chance to take care of your own needs without having to worry that you're failing him. It's not being selfish. It's really just knowing how to love yourself.
Amazing answer. I have an LD among other distinctions due to a traumatic brain injury I acquired in a car accident a year and a half ago. I'm so glad I'm not alone…many cannot identify with be because it is, in fact, an "invisible" issue. I was dating (my now ex of 2 months) a guy who was there for me when the accident happened and took excellent care of me and tried his best to understand. Less than 6 months later, he became one of the people who "didn't get it." He kept telling me to "get over" my problems, that I could work through them (even though I've been consistently working with specialists). Eventually I couldn't even speak to him about it. He claimed he said those things to encourage me to not let the LD/head I jury control my life, but it just sounded degrading. He couldn't handle my LD and that's a HUGE part why we broke up.
I just want to say, it's hard enough living with myself, I can only imagine dating someone with an LD. Not that it's the end of the world, but it does make some extra duties for the dater. There are people who can deal with that, and others who can't, and that is that.
another beautiful answer. the point here is the perspective you choose to take on the situation. and the perspective you choose will manifest itself in little daily ways. i have a son with autism/adhd so my relationship dynamic is different, but it is still a relationship that i need to work on daily. not BECAUSE he has challenges, but because thats what you do in a relationship. so, we dont focus on the cants, the wonts, shouldnts, nots, stuff like that. words like stupid, ugly fat, lazy, dumb, have a potty mouth jar. in other words, anything negative gets trashed in our world. unless it's "never say never". the reason this is so important is because self esteem IS the biggest obstacle in any learning disability or special needs situation. all of their lives from dr to dr parent to parent, teacher to teacher, bully to bully they are told what they cant do. what they wont be able to do. what they shouldnt do. so they start to believe it, and in most cases of special needs and learning disabilities there are brain chemistry issues involved that interfere with their abilities to process things as when they are consistently being told what they CANT do that gets reinforced to them. because their brains arent wired outside the box enough to say "well wait, maybe i can." so they DO need constant reinforcement from outside sources that undo all the negative teachings they get elsewhere, because they WILL get it in this world sadly so. so this is what i'm saying about perspective and the point MM was taking. you choose what to reinforce in the relationship, and you will generate the results accordingly. clearly you deeply care about him so only want him to be happy. my bet is helping him believe in himself just a little bit more every single day will go a very long way for you both, and if so it will change the dynamic completely.
but MMS right. that doesnt mean you should stop reading, dont change yourself for anybody. see, right now he sees you as something he cant do or be, an intellect, instead of stopping that behavior so he doesnt have to see it any more, you can help him change his perspective on that by showing him that he can be too. we're blessed to live in a world where technology means who cares if you have a learning disability, we'll find a way for you to do it anyway. share your intellectual experiences with him in a way that he can enjoy them, and this will also help him in self esteem issues. for example, have a snuggle session where you read a book for an hour or so and he listens to one on his ipod. or another one, i personally really enjoy being read TO. why dont you read to him one night? romantic reading buddies : ) good luck!
Hello everyone,
I'm the one who submitted this long question. And I have to express my deepest gratitude to MM for responding to it, and to the rest of you for contributing your opinions and thoughts!!
I have often written in about this and never got a response, so I was basically shaking when I saw it appear on the screen in front of me on my daily visit to this site. This problem has plagued me everyday in some way or another and it has meant so much to hear all of your thoughts and suggestions.
MM - thank you so much for taking the time to read through my mulitple posts and then write a great one of your own in response. Many people could have simply disregarded it due to its length or possibly more "serious/complicated" nature, and it means so much that you didn't do that. I really value what you've said and it has helped tremendously to hear it from someone else's point of view. Sometimes when we deal with an issue on an every day basis we become bias and it's hard to see which is the right road to take.
I'd also like to thank those of you who posted about your own personal experience with learning disabilities. I really appreciated hearing it from that perspective as well. I always feel humans behave better together when we can all understand each other - and you have helped me understand more about my boyfriend which is incredibly valuable to me. A lot of it I already knew, or suspected, but it always helps to have your suspicions confirmed by people in the know.
Thank you to everyone - you have no idea how much this has all meant to me! As you all noted it is a very sensitive and difficult issue to deal with. I still don't really know what's going to come from all of this, but your posts have helped me to better come to terms with it all, and look to the road ahead with a bit more clarity. I will of course take it day by day and see where it leads, but you have all helped to sift away some of the fog that was hindering my way. I feel like a weight has been lifted.
A million thanks! Sometimes people write on here and you don't know whether or not it really means anything - I wish for all of you to know that you have made a great impact on someone's life! Even if we don't know each other, it's truly appreciated.
It is a fantastic thing when strangers are willing and compassionate about helping each other through the simple sharing of information and experiences. Proof there is still some humanity left in our occasionally morose world! thank you, thank you, thank you xo
You asked. You needed an answer that isn't in the archives. It is something I know a little bit about, both through friends and experience.
I was hardly going to ignore you just cause you went over one question box!
It's all good girl. We're all here to lend someone a hand when needed. ;)
And always remember, you're not alone on this one.