On the 17th I answered a question on Choice. Fairly flippantly, true, but it was light answer day. On the 20th, this came in:
"I always wondered where the pro-choice is in regard to the man. He gets no choice in the matter. Either he's stuck paying child support or his seed is terminated, generalizing the two extremes. What do you think about pro-choice from a man's perspective when he is within one of those extremes?"
Combined with the comments on last week's blog, it got me thinking about the choices we make, and why we make them. The reasons seem to boil down to three.
1/ Careful Consideration of the Alternatives
Believe it or not, people actually do do this. Well, sometimes. OK, rarely. Sit down and look at all the alternatives, including emotions and preferences, rationally and calmy before selecting the best option. It is difficult, since you rarely know all the alternatives.
You can usually recognize these people by their "deer in the headlights" gaze as they are completely paralyzed by indecision about anything more complex than picking a sandwich filling.
2/ Stubborness
You can call habit, if you want. For most choices, you quickly refer to your memory of similar situations and pick the first one that comes up as a match. It is a quick and easy way of making most of the simple, day to day choices.
It does have it's down side though; you do not necessarily pick the correct choice, but far too frequently the same decision that messed your whole life up last time round. You then call it bad luck when things fall apart as a result of your choices and wonder why fate hates you. Fate doesn't hate you. Your previous self and memory hates you.
3/ Sheer Stupidity
OK, maybe this heading is harsh, but it can be illustrated by a simple and sexistly phrased test. Look in your closet. How many of the clothes and shoes in there have you rarely or never worn? (Yes, I know, I know. Guys do that too. Why else would I have 4 torque wrenches and a fridge full of food I don't like.)
Choosing on impulse is a killer. The sort of thing that crashes you into debt and 4 kids by the time you are 20. The sort of thing mainly done by the young, as they simply don't have the experience to rely on stubborness to choose, so rely on emotion. And, worse still, impulse choice and the subsequent rationalization can become a habit in it's own right.
In an ideal world, people would take the time to use the first choice technique. They rarely do, unless forced to by a momentous decision, and, even then, impulse and habit will have their shrill say.
The best way to force yourself to analyse a choice is to talk it out with friends and family and listen to what they say. Even if you decide the direct opposite of their advice, at least you have considered their points.
Of course, that depends entirely on the wisdom of your friends and family.
Finally, so as not to leave a lady hanging, my answer to her question, depending heavily on Number 2 up there as it is 4 AM:
A man's duty and obligation as far as abortion choice is concerned is to support his lady in her decision, whatever it may be.
Fair - may not sound it, but hell yes it is. We guys don't have to carry the kid, which has it's own gross out aspects, and are not expected by society to devote years of our lives to raising it at the expense of our own careers and life plans. We got it easy.
So it is woman's choice. Full stop. The guy helps and supports, whatever her decision.
PS - I have not forgotten about the "Spice Up Your Marriage" blog. Research for that is being somewhat difficult. Much like a marriage.
"I always wondered where the pro-choice is in regard to the man. He gets no choice in the matter. Either he's stuck paying child support or his seed is terminated, generalizing the two extremes. What do you think about pro-choice from a man's perspective when he is within one of those extremes?"
Combined with the comments on last week's blog, it got me thinking about the choices we make, and why we make them. The reasons seem to boil down to three.
1/ Careful Consideration of the Alternatives
Believe it or not, people actually do do this. Well, sometimes. OK, rarely. Sit down and look at all the alternatives, including emotions and preferences, rationally and calmy before selecting the best option. It is difficult, since you rarely know all the alternatives.
You can usually recognize these people by their "deer in the headlights" gaze as they are completely paralyzed by indecision about anything more complex than picking a sandwich filling.
2/ Stubborness
You can call habit, if you want. For most choices, you quickly refer to your memory of similar situations and pick the first one that comes up as a match. It is a quick and easy way of making most of the simple, day to day choices.
It does have it's down side though; you do not necessarily pick the correct choice, but far too frequently the same decision that messed your whole life up last time round. You then call it bad luck when things fall apart as a result of your choices and wonder why fate hates you. Fate doesn't hate you. Your previous self and memory hates you.
3/ Sheer Stupidity
OK, maybe this heading is harsh, but it can be illustrated by a simple and sexistly phrased test. Look in your closet. How many of the clothes and shoes in there have you rarely or never worn? (Yes, I know, I know. Guys do that too. Why else would I have 4 torque wrenches and a fridge full of food I don't like.)
Choosing on impulse is a killer. The sort of thing that crashes you into debt and 4 kids by the time you are 20. The sort of thing mainly done by the young, as they simply don't have the experience to rely on stubborness to choose, so rely on emotion. And, worse still, impulse choice and the subsequent rationalization can become a habit in it's own right.
In an ideal world, people would take the time to use the first choice technique. They rarely do, unless forced to by a momentous decision, and, even then, impulse and habit will have their shrill say.
The best way to force yourself to analyse a choice is to talk it out with friends and family and listen to what they say. Even if you decide the direct opposite of their advice, at least you have considered their points.
Of course, that depends entirely on the wisdom of your friends and family.
Finally, so as not to leave a lady hanging, my answer to her question, depending heavily on Number 2 up there as it is 4 AM:
A man's duty and obligation as far as abortion choice is concerned is to support his lady in her decision, whatever it may be.
Fair - may not sound it, but hell yes it is. We guys don't have to carry the kid, which has it's own gross out aspects, and are not expected by society to devote years of our lives to raising it at the expense of our own careers and life plans. We got it easy.
So it is woman's choice. Full stop. The guy helps and supports, whatever her decision.
PS - I have not forgotten about the "Spice Up Your Marriage" blog. Research for that is being somewhat difficult. Much like a marriage.
Something tells me the comment section is about to burst into a flame war...
One question: Would you expect your lady to take your opinion into consideration at all, or just leave it 100% up to her to decide? Would you even tell her what you thought she should do?
Of course. She can, should and would consider it. Still her choice though.
That is why the unilateral choice should carry unilateral responsibility;
Women need to have the right to choose the sire of their offspring not only thru invitro but by sexing without exposing the sire to financial ruin or responsibility. Many woman lie about the birth control so they can have that child then the sate takes over if things go bad (financially) for her.
Seems to me that guys do have the choice about whether or not to use a condom. Just sayin...
That's not really something that works as an argument in this situation. Assuming that solely the guys are at fault for two people having consensual unprotected sex is a double standard, that the fairer sex should really get out of their heads somehow. Unless we're talking about rape, both parties are equally at fault.
Also there are countless cases of "I stopped taking the pill, my BF doesn't know yet", which is just cruel and underhanded, and definitely grounds for breakup, if the guys is lucky enough to find out in time. So please everyone, just don't do that.
"...are not expected by society to devote years of our lives to raising it at the expense of our own careers and life plans."
I completely, full-blown-out disagree with this statement. I full expect any man who fathers a child - and knows about it, to be fair - to support both the woman and child and yes, I do expect them to devote years of their lives rising it at the expense of their own careers and life plans! My dad stopped smoking for the simple reason he didn't want me to. He moved four states away from his family so he could get a better-paying job to support us. He stayed with companies that treated him like dirt so he would have a paycheck. My single dad, or even dad without a daughter, would have up and left and told them to screw off.
Perhaps it wasn't a sacrifice. He and my mom wanted me and knew they would have to sacrifice their old lifestyle and dreams and wishes.
But whether a child is planned or not, I FULLY expect my husband to drop and give me support when I have our child. If it means staying in the army, where he's pretty miserable at the moment, he's agreed to do it in order to support us. He'll transfer where necessary and do what is needed.
Unfortunately, I don't think you said that out of your own personal beliefs, or I hope you didn't. I think it's the general feeling of society and it is WRONG. Having a child, whether planned or a mistake, is the responsibility of both parents. Never should one be pushed aside, except in circumstances where it's better for the child.
Oh, I agree. A guy sows his oats, he looks after the crop.
But - who has to take time off when the kid is sick? Who is expected to do the school activities? Who gets blocked for promotion because they have a child?
Hint - it ain't the man.
And I am saying that as the primary child carer in our family. The one who works from home, does the cooking and pretends to do the cleaning, usually with a pair of small children trying their best to disrupt my work.
Totalllllly agree with your response, MM. Hey, if the powers that be figure out a way for the guy to get preggo and carry the child instead of the woman, well then, we can give him the choice.
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