What? You heard something? What time is it? Three o'clock in the morning? Was it a bump? A creak? The jiggling of keys?
Don't worry, I'll take care of it. I'll check it out. I'll grab the baseball bat from the closet. Or not. After all, I have karate hands. My left fist is nicknamed "Justice," my right fist "Thunder." Stay under the covers. Don't freak. I'm half-Wolverine, half-Jason Bourne. A cyborg Spartan.
Burglar? Zombies? Giant scorpion? Doesn't matter. I will emerge from the shadows, and descend on him/them/it like a swarm of locust-sized boxing gloves stuffed with TNT. The intruder will be smote, then I will crawl back into bed with you and kiss your naked shoulders.
Because this is what men do. I'm not saying you can't take down an alien or crush a rampaging robot in a hydraulic press. I'm just saying: me first.
Do you have a mouse? Allow me to tap my inner-caveman. I will set the trap. I will use my own bait recipe (one part peanut butter, one part Cheez Whiz.) When the vermin is dead, I will dispose of it. Sweet victory will be mine. Ours. Generations of mice will warn each other of the fearsome warrior in your noble employ.
Roaches? They will be smashed. Dragons? Slayed. Cyclops? I will spear its single eyeball on a toothpick and present it to you as a prize. You will then kiss me. Poets will write an epic poem about us that will live two thousand years.
I dated a woman once who had a Leprechaun infestation. Their droppings? Little squirts of mashed potatoes. She'd go to sleep, and they keep her up with their incessant jigging. One night, I kept a shovel handy. Turned the little motherhonkers into green pancakes.
My point is this, though. Women are the nucleus of all civilization. During the dawn of humanity, they were the organizing force that formed the very bedrock of society -- the family. It was up to the man to bring the meat, and play with the kids, and, if need be, wrestle a saber tooth tiger. I'm positive many a prehistoric beast met its demise at the hands of a woman. But she probably allowed her hairy mate first dibs, before he was fatally perforated.
When I'm walking down a city street with a date, I'm aware of my surroundings. I'm ready to jump into the fray to protect those I love. Of course, I've mostly dated women who can take care of themselves. But I'm just saying -- a man should be ready to take care of business, like a cross between an avenging archangel and Elvis. I know I'm not bulletproof. But I can act fearproof. Even when my armpits are soaking with fear sweat.
So, if a suspicious sound wakes you up, don't hesitate to poke me in the ribs. I will get up. Sniff the air like a wolf. Spider sense tingling? Could be a tower of books falling over. Could be Nazi vampires. Don't worry, I'll take care of it...
awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!
but really, bullshit. not all men or even most men are like that, unfortunately. my father would probably throw me at the intruder to ensure his getaway.
It's = it is (which you used repeatedly)
Its = belonging to it (which you meant)
You're better than that. Fix it.
if its (and yes, i did this purposely) that serious GRAMMARGIRL, then go get advice about your man from elsewhere. Like DICTIONARY.COM. i'm sure their grammar will appease you over there.
If he claims to be a writer--and he does--then editing is part of his job. Any one who works professionally as a writer ought to display a mastery over language at the very least. And for people who do read or write often, or who pay attention to details, mistakes like these can be distracting, or throw doubt on a writer's credibility. After all, if words are how you make a living, you ought to know how to use them correctly.
That said, I follow several of JDV's column's and have the utmost respect for his writing--he's brilliant at wordplay and making a point through humor. He's very often open-minded and genuine and good-hearted. I'm definitely a fan. I'm certain that here he didn't intend to stick it to the grammar-respecting community by mixing up its and it's (as you seem to be doing), he simply made a mistake. Which was the entire point of my comment. He's too good a writer to let things like that get in the way.
As for you, I can't see why you were offended at all. I didn't correct him just to be snide. If you want to flaunt your ignorance--or attempt to annoy those of us who appreciate grammatically correct English--by misusing those words purposely, then that's your call. And since, as far as I can see, you're not a professional writer, then I really don't care how you butcher the very language you're attempting to use to communicate.
I'm a big JDV fan as well, and I agree with GrammarGirl. If you make your living writing, I don't think it's too much to ask for a piece to be grammatically correct in a very basic sense. It's distracting and sometimes can be the single flaw in an otherwise perfectly witty and wonderful column.
Whoa, whoa, whoa people. MzQueen, Faith and GrammarGirl are absolutely right to call me out. Blogging is writing in a hurry, but that's no excuse. Once GrammarGirl corrected me, I changed the one "it's" I had written.
I am a writer, and I do take it seriously. I actually tweeted last night about how humbling it is to be copy edited in the comments section.
As always, thanks for reading.
I just love how John stepped in here to diffuse the debate, further proving his point that he will take care of everything.
I just love you, John.
Now I recognize I'm getting annoying, but since you seem like the kind of guy who can take it, you only changed one of two. The remaining "it's" is in paragraph 6: "I will spear it's single eyeball..."
Otherwise, a great read, as always. :)
I wonder if GrammarGirl is single. If so, I bet I can guess why....
*cough*uptightmuch*cough*
I'm not single, actually, not that it matters, because I'm not uptight, either, so you're 0 for 2, which is how it goes shooting in the dark.
(Oh no! She learned where apostrophes go! She must be awful!--Really? I can't just also be a writer, or a grad student, or anyone who happens to appreciate the English language? I'm a bit of a nerd, no doubt, but then so is JDV, so... What's your point?)
But if judging strangers based on in-offensive commentary is your thing, then go right ahead.
If you're single, maybe it's because you're judgmental! See what I did there?
Only it made me feel kind of like an a-hole. So I won't be insulting strangers on message boards in the future. Tried it--it was gross. You enjoy your choices.
OK, I hate to join the super skinny thread, but as soon as I read GG's post, I thought, "OK--valid point, BUT never critique other people's grammar because you ALWAYS make a mistake yourself." Like she did (and I'm surprised no one pointed it out.) See the original comment: "That said, I follow several of JDV's column's." Now, I know you aren't writing for publication, but you DID say "Oh no! She learned where apostrophes go! She must be awful!" like you were some kind of expert.
No hard feelings towards anyone-just pointing out the irony!
seriously shut up please, Idk is this is gramatically correct hell I dont even know if that was spelled right, but that has nothing to do with what this article is about!
I have a couple of dead squirrels in my pool you could take care of.
That's my dad. I have yet to find a man for myself that will jump out of bed when the movement sensing fog lights go on in the middle of the night, or pick me up and carry me two city blocks because the street was flooded, or ALWAYS give me his coat when he sees that I'm cold (without offering or worrying about himself). My mom found that man. You better work, boys. Daddy set that bar high.
LOL im my appartment when there's weird noises I get woken up to check it out! Its for my negotiation skills lol. I guess I'm the "man" in my place ahaha. I squash spiders and check the peep-hole of our door for weird noises outside and everything. But, if there's a man around, then those responsibilities get place on him, I'm just like, the back up man or something.
My bf and I are both overly independent. I'm curious to see what happens when we live together. When that front door lock starts jiggling at 3 am there may be two people coming down the stairs with baseball bats (actually, he'd probably have a rifle or a sword- he collects civil war weapons and knows how to use them all.) I hope we end up with a wide staircase otherwise that could get messy.
BTW, Karissa? I also found that guy who always gives me his coat. He's a southern gentleman, maybe that's the magic trick? Anyways, keep looking. They're out there!
Yes come down south and find a Man we are raised right and treat a woman like a lady, whether she likes it or not. Because yes there are strangely women out there who hate men being polite and chivalrous or just find it weird.
To paraphrase a line from the movie "Derailed," force isn't always necessary, but you must always project strength. Like the Reformed Player said, "I can act fearproof. Even when my armpits are soaking with fear sweat." It's all about how you present yourself.
I see that people are going grammar crazy up there but I wanted to say that if I had written such a wonderfully descriptive text, I would've gotten amazing marks! :) Thanks for the beautifully written text :)
I love it! I only wish that more guys were like that!
Oh my God! How sweet! So John, you're saying that guys actually WANT to rescue the princess? I always thought that was just a cliche.
I've certainly experienced protectiveness from my guy friends (usually after tying my shoelaces together!). They reserve their right to totally mess with me, but as soon as some jerk crosses the line with me trying not to cry, they're ready to mop the floor with the tool.
It's always surprising, but in a good way.
I just sent this to my friend who swoons every time her boyfriend kills a spider for her. I loved this but she'll either stop breathing with laughter or stalk you endlessly for your karate hands that can splice a spider in two. Good luck JDV.
Ugh, John, you kill me.
Every sappy romantic blog you write makes me all the more upset I don't have someone like you to love.
That is my hubby ALL the way LOL
Loved this. I sent it to my everyone I know! Genius
John why do you do this??? Every single time you post something like this you move up on my list of incredibly smexy men.
Commenting to that whole skinny thread of comments above...As a soon to be english teacher i dont ever really care about proper english when it comes to blogs and other such things. I dont write in proper english online unless im writing something important. As long as i can undrstand what was written im fine. And yes GrammarGirl correcting others is kind of annoying, even though it was okay with John. We're on this site to get adivce and (if we can) give some too. Not to correct grammar. (And yes i know i made alot of errors in this, But again i dont REALLY care that much) :)
Good Blog John!
I busted out laughing when I saw "OK, I hate to join the super skinny thread...." Geez, it's not *that* big of a deal. (I'm Faith btw, just changed my display name to match my main online avatar, and I think GG could have stopped after JDV gave us credit.)
I had to comment because that was an awesome post. I don't think of myself as a dependant person- I pretty much run my household- but while reading I immediately thought of every time I've nudged my husband in the middle of the night and whispered "Hey....did you hear that?". I thought of all the times he's hopped up immediately and wandered the place before returning to explain that I left my phone on vibrate in the kitchen again or that there was a raccoon outside. I really appreciate that you guys do that, despite my feminism. We'll be sure to return the favor sometime when you need us to have your back.
I didn't want to join the super skinny post, buuuuut:
It was totally rude the WAY she corrected his grammar, not so much that she did it. If she had explained the FIRST time that he should take pride and time to check his errors because he's a writer, then there would probably be less mess. However, she totally chose to correct it in the nastiest way possible (other than going to his house and writing "ITS=IT'S" in puppy guts on his front lawn), so OF course every girl who loves this guy is going to get all protective. It was nice of him to be all humble and correct it, yet....
Grammar trolls bothering you, JDV? Don't worry, your hoards of fans will take care of it.
I can pretty much handle everything. Roaches? I like to squishem. Spiders? I put them in my sandwiches.. Angry water trolls? I grind them up and sprinkle them on my grapenuts. But I have ghosts. I might need you John. I don't know what to do about these ghosts in my house. They are tormenting me. Maybe it's only one, but if that's the case, he's good.. REAL GOOD. HELP!
John, I love you. Marry me. Please. I'll take care of YOU....