It's a time-tested and well-worn fable that most women are just floating through life innocently and happily being saints and perfect people until some man comes in and ruins it all. That man can be her father, a boyfriend, a husband, a dog, etc. Basically, she's great until he shows up.
Whoever he is.
While I think that this is total poppycock, I will admit that some men play more games than others and some men aren't fit to be in relationships of any sort. I'll also admit that I've played games, whether intentionally or unintentionally, at worse and have been a terrible communicator at best. Communication is the key to any relationship and if that piece isn't in place, well, everything fails.
This isn't to say that I think women are all good communicators either. I know plenty of women who struggle in that arena but because the men they deal with also struggle, the blame by default goes to him. Game. Blouses.
So, yeah.
Let's change lanes for a second. I know a lot of women. And for many of them, I'm their male voice of reason; the go-to guy for the male perspective and the one who helps talk them off ledges they probably shouldn't be on the in the first place. One thing I've always noticed about these conversations is how easily upset and wound up women can become behind the smallest of things. It's no secret that women are creatures of relationship habit. The moment a man deviates even a little bit from what he's always done, women's spidey sense goes off and they go into Def-Con Self-Protect Mode 3.
Attempts to determine what's wrong are one thing, but often I've seen my women friends go overboard and attempt to decipher if a man still cares or truly wants to spend time or see her all because he left a loving salutation off of a "good morning" text or didn't call like he normally does in the morning.
It could mean nothing at all. But I think that in most women's mind, it always means something or else why would he switch up the routine. There must be a problem.
Here's a true story. Some years ago, I was seeing a woman and I'd normally call her or text her in the morning. Well, I must have been sleeping crazy because I managed to knock my phone (which served as my alarm) off of my nightstand and under my bed (I wish I could remember that dream) and thus didn't hear the alarm go off. The damn thing must have been buzzing for an hour by the time I naturally woke myself up.
Well in that time that I was still sleep, I'd received no less than 4 text messages and 3 phone calls from the girl I was seeing. The voicemails got increasingly more pissed to the point where the last one was basically, "oh we're playing immature games now, f*ck your couch, etc...."
When I woke up and listened and and saw the texts and even saw her going off on me on Twitter (yes, it was apparently that serious), I was totally amazed at how fast she went from zero to insane. Even after talking on the phone (and clearing that up) she admitted to deleting me from Facebook and blocking me on Twitter. Mind you, this was AN HOUR. In her defense. we'd had a tense convo the night before, but it didn't end in verbal fisticuffs or out-and-out disdain. In fact, if I remember, we got off the phone in a cool space if not our normal perfect space.
But she went "there" with it after I didn't wake up and text or call.
So, I have a question for the women out there...do you all ever drive yourself crazy with some of your antics? The girl I was seeing at the time even had to admit how crazy that sh*t was. Has your intuition always been right when you've sauntered off the deep end or on occasion have you had to check yourself and regroup and realize that perhaps you might need to learn to chill out.
My gut tells me that even if you all do find a need to regroup and chill, you'll just get some sort of affirmation later on that tells you that your actions are totally justified therefore you did nothing wrong. Again, I know a lot of women and things ALWAYS play out this way.
But I am curious. It's just us girls talking.
Do you ever drive yourself crazy with your emotions?
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While I think that this is total poppycock, I will admit that some men play more games than others and some men aren't fit to be in relationships of any sort. I'll also admit that I've played games, whether intentionally or unintentionally, at worse and have been a terrible communicator at best. Communication is the key to any relationship and if that piece isn't in place, well, everything fails.
This isn't to say that I think women are all good communicators either. I know plenty of women who struggle in that arena but because the men they deal with also struggle, the blame by default goes to him. Game. Blouses.
So, yeah.
Let's change lanes for a second. I know a lot of women. And for many of them, I'm their male voice of reason; the go-to guy for the male perspective and the one who helps talk them off ledges they probably shouldn't be on the in the first place. One thing I've always noticed about these conversations is how easily upset and wound up women can become behind the smallest of things. It's no secret that women are creatures of relationship habit. The moment a man deviates even a little bit from what he's always done, women's spidey sense goes off and they go into Def-Con Self-Protect Mode 3.
Attempts to determine what's wrong are one thing, but often I've seen my women friends go overboard and attempt to decipher if a man still cares or truly wants to spend time or see her all because he left a loving salutation off of a "good morning" text or didn't call like he normally does in the morning.
It could mean nothing at all. But I think that in most women's mind, it always means something or else why would he switch up the routine. There must be a problem.
Here's a true story. Some years ago, I was seeing a woman and I'd normally call her or text her in the morning. Well, I must have been sleeping crazy because I managed to knock my phone (which served as my alarm) off of my nightstand and under my bed (I wish I could remember that dream) and thus didn't hear the alarm go off. The damn thing must have been buzzing for an hour by the time I naturally woke myself up.
Well in that time that I was still sleep, I'd received no less than 4 text messages and 3 phone calls from the girl I was seeing. The voicemails got increasingly more pissed to the point where the last one was basically, "oh we're playing immature games now, f*ck your couch, etc...."
When I woke up and listened and and saw the texts and even saw her going off on me on Twitter (yes, it was apparently that serious), I was totally amazed at how fast she went from zero to insane. Even after talking on the phone (and clearing that up) she admitted to deleting me from Facebook and blocking me on Twitter. Mind you, this was AN HOUR. In her defense. we'd had a tense convo the night before, but it didn't end in verbal fisticuffs or out-and-out disdain. In fact, if I remember, we got off the phone in a cool space if not our normal perfect space.
But she went "there" with it after I didn't wake up and text or call.
So, I have a question for the women out there...do you all ever drive yourself crazy with some of your antics? The girl I was seeing at the time even had to admit how crazy that sh*t was. Has your intuition always been right when you've sauntered off the deep end or on occasion have you had to check yourself and regroup and realize that perhaps you might need to learn to chill out.
My gut tells me that even if you all do find a need to regroup and chill, you'll just get some sort of affirmation later on that tells you that your actions are totally justified therefore you did nothing wrong. Again, I know a lot of women and things ALWAYS play out this way.
But I am curious. It's just us girls talking.
Do you ever drive yourself crazy with your emotions?
Related Links:
Is it inappropriate to give your ex-boyfriend a gift?
I've learned that my boyfriend is sexually seeing men on the side. But I found out from reading his emails. Should I tell him? Help.
My boyfriend hasn't proposed but wants me to move overseas with him. What should I do?
Yes, in the past I have driven my crazy with paranoia when a boyfriend would switch up his habits. But as I've gotten older I've learned that when I start freaking out, I have to take a step back and really see if my behavior is warranted.
I remember reading an article on The Hairpin Create a website and it talked about how our brains haven't caught up to modern times. My take on what the author wrote is that our brains still think we are living in tribes on the plain. So our brains still feel like having a man is integral to our survival. So even though in 2012 we women are more than capable of taking care our ourselves and being alone. Our old school brains feel differently and make us freak out. I highly recommend the article. It gives great insight and it also lessens some of the guilt we can feel when our brains go nutty. Cause our brains feel whatever they want to feel. But we have the choice to act on those crazy feeling or not.
When I have my cazy moments I tend to go to fear/insecurity rather than anger, and end up baking him cookies or something as a "nice surprise". I know it's just as messed up, but I start trying to win back their effection before I even know I've lost it. I think it's just my personality type, but I don't call or text them because one of my first fears is always "am I crowding him?". So my methods are usually baking while constantly checking my phone, but refusing to call him for fear of seeming clingy. I don't think my guys ever realize how neurotic I get cause my crazy tends to be more inwardly focussed. All they ever see the next time they see me is that I've apparently been on a baking spree and am looking "effortlessly casual" in the way that take hours.
Not that I have a ton of these crazy moments, but when they happen this is how they usually play out.
I *usually* simply say, 'you didn't say goodnight to me last night, I like it when you do say goodnight' or 'I missed your goodnight last night'. But yes, I also freak sometimes: still haven't met many of his friends and it's been 2 1/2 years so far, I don't get enough oral and my sex drive is higher than his. He calls/texts every moment if he can't reach me right away, wonders if I care less if I don't cook or remember to log his calories, or decide to go to that great new resturant he wants to take me alone because he is busy. My point is, we all do it, to greater or lesser degrees. We all have moments where we confuse not getting what we want with it meaning something deeper. Occasionally we are even right.
Personally I think most of it can be put down to conditioning. Fairy tales, romance flicks...they saturate those that like them with unreal and unrealistic ideas/ideals about what 'love' is. Mostly filled with drama...and many people don't want excess drama in their life. Having someone willing to put up with your crazy isn't love, necessarily.
The first time the guy Im dating cancelled plans twice in a row I was ready to tell him if he didn't want to date anymore he could say it. Thank God I didn't.
It turns out him being a bit sick and having volleyball practice was true and when we actually met he was very special with me, like trying to make it up to me. I would've made a fool of myself and maybe I would have freaked him out.
My boyfriend, early on stood me up. Took a cat nap that he didn't wake up from until late into the night. I did tell him he should just be direct with me instead of blowing me off. Took a year before he stopped being afraid of pi$sing me off, but he has only flaked on me one other time in nearly 3 years. Not bad for a habitual flaker.
Guess I am lucky he doesn't scare away too easily. But if I hadn't been clear that I believe people do what they want to do, set alarms before napping just in case or whatever. People also make in-firm plans 'if I can I'd like to come over ____ afternoon - can I call you before I am close to see if you are around?' Or whatever. Emergencies happen and plans get missed without notice or warning.
Yup, you're absolutely right and I learned my lesson :)
I told him it was nobody's fault he had a headache or had a volleyball game but it would have been better if he had told me a lot earlier than just one hour before our date. He hasn't done it again so far, yay!
Come to think about it, I did call him flaky and said he ditched me. He didn't particularly like it but oh well :D that was exactly my point.
Let me let you in on a little secret, nobody likes being sick around other people. I think men more than women. It's even worse when you're dating, especially if it happens around the first date. Even if logic says you should just cancel and reschedule, being worried about what cancelling early on may say about you or do to this potential relationship is enough to make some people try to tough it out and then end up cancelling at last minute.
Yes. I've gone off the deep end. We were texting about a future vacation (that we didn't exactly agree on) and I had to check out at the grocery store and dirve home. When I started texting again, there was no response. Long story short, I almost called 911 (long distance relationship) but stopped just short of that. The next day (after reading the text messages, emails to multiple email addresses and listening to the phone messages both at work, home and on his cell) he told me he was exhausted and had fallen asleep waiting for me to text back. We never did go on that vacation...
Yes
I picked up on all your Dave Chapelle references
and yes by the way I do sometimes drive myself crazy acting crazy like you described.
And sometimes hate myself for it.
Oh and yes a man pretty much did ruin my life but I like to say that I allowed it to happen and so therefore it was my fault. People treat you how you teach them to treat you and people will do to you what you allow them to do you.
Divorced and 40
"women's spidey sense goes off and they go into Def-Con Self-Protect Mode 3" hahahahahaha!!! LOVE IT! and yeah, I am overly emotional about a lot of things, my husband calls me his crazy wife, endearingly, at least to my face lol but he is one hell of a trooper!! I should also mention I have OCD, and social anxiety and am very hard to deal with some days, he grounds me and we've learned to communicate very well (I was the one who needed to work on it) when I go into def-con mode I go silent, which my husband says is worse than just freaking out now and then