We had an interesting discussion the other day about a married man who has been stringing along his mistress for four years. As we all agreed, the guy was clearly never going to leave his wife for her. After four years, it was obvious that his meager emotional breadcrumbs (phone calls, texts, occasionally hanging out with her outside of the bedroom) were all being done in an effort to keep her on the side strictly for sex. Thus, we have a classic "Back Pocket Guy," one of my seven guys you should resolve to never date. In that blog post, I defined the "back pocket guy" as:
"The guy who keeps you in his back pocket for a rainy day; who doesn't remember your birthday, but calls at 3am looking for a booty call after striking out with some skank at the club. You come running whenever he calls, secretly hoping that this time he'll realize he loves you and actually introduce you to one of his friends for a change. Really though, he has a draft of a text to another girl saved just in case you aren't available."
But the "Back Pocket Guy" isn't always married. Plenty of single guys keep women they like to sleep with but don't want to date exclusively in their back pockets. So as a public service, I'd like to offer five signs that you are dating a "back pocket guy." Basically, if any of these apply to you, then you're like the movie Borat-- he's watched it ten times already, but he'll keep the DVD handy in case there's nothing on TV and he could use a laugh.
You never meet his friends
Or his family, roommates, mailman, AA sponsor, Dungeon Master, etc. For all you know, this guy is a rogue secret agent on the run from the government. He's like Jason Bourne, only with fewer awesome fighting moves and more chlamydia outbreaks. You're not meeting anyone in his life for a reason: he doesn't want you to think you'll be in it for very long. In the same vein, he has zero interest in meeting any of your friends and will suddenly become "swamped" at work or develop a rare case of scurvy when you invite him to anything that requires him to be seen with you in mixed company.
He only calls or texts after dark
Look, he's not a vampire. There is no reason why you should be only communicating with him after the sun goes down. A guy who only texts you after midnight isn't some cool mysterious party hopper-- he's just a douche looking for an easy lay after striking out with every woman at the bar.
Bring up the future, he changes the subject quicker than The Flash after a Four Loko and meth bender
I'm not talking about talk of marriage or kids-- even hinting that you'd like to see X-Men: First Class with him at some point in the near future causes him to suddenly remember that he promised his friend he'd feed his dog or walk his fish or some other obvious lie.
He has zero respect for your time
Why did he cancel plans with you at the last minute? Because something better came along. Or there was a Game of Thrones marathon on HBO.
You've been sleeping with him for months...and never actual slept together
He never asks you to sleep over, and rarely wants to do anything that involves you both being vertical. Occasionally he might take you out for a fun evening, but once it starts to seem like a date he gets all Luke Cagey and tense and cuts things short. While the Back Pocket Guy may sometimes drop his guard and have a good time with you, he's also quick to pull the plug on the evening lest you get too attached.
Any other signs that you're in his back pocket?
"The guy who keeps you in his back pocket for a rainy day; who doesn't remember your birthday, but calls at 3am looking for a booty call after striking out with some skank at the club. You come running whenever he calls, secretly hoping that this time he'll realize he loves you and actually introduce you to one of his friends for a change. Really though, he has a draft of a text to another girl saved just in case you aren't available."
But the "Back Pocket Guy" isn't always married. Plenty of single guys keep women they like to sleep with but don't want to date exclusively in their back pockets. So as a public service, I'd like to offer five signs that you are dating a "back pocket guy." Basically, if any of these apply to you, then you're like the movie Borat-- he's watched it ten times already, but he'll keep the DVD handy in case there's nothing on TV and he could use a laugh.
You never meet his friends
Or his family, roommates, mailman, AA sponsor, Dungeon Master, etc. For all you know, this guy is a rogue secret agent on the run from the government. He's like Jason Bourne, only with fewer awesome fighting moves and more chlamydia outbreaks. You're not meeting anyone in his life for a reason: he doesn't want you to think you'll be in it for very long. In the same vein, he has zero interest in meeting any of your friends and will suddenly become "swamped" at work or develop a rare case of scurvy when you invite him to anything that requires him to be seen with you in mixed company.
He only calls or texts after dark
Look, he's not a vampire. There is no reason why you should be only communicating with him after the sun goes down. A guy who only texts you after midnight isn't some cool mysterious party hopper-- he's just a douche looking for an easy lay after striking out with every woman at the bar.
Bring up the future, he changes the subject quicker than The Flash after a Four Loko and meth bender
I'm not talking about talk of marriage or kids-- even hinting that you'd like to see X-Men: First Class with him at some point in the near future causes him to suddenly remember that he promised his friend he'd feed his dog or walk his fish or some other obvious lie.
He has zero respect for your time
Why did he cancel plans with you at the last minute? Because something better came along. Or there was a Game of Thrones marathon on HBO.
You've been sleeping with him for months...and never actual slept together
He never asks you to sleep over, and rarely wants to do anything that involves you both being vertical. Occasionally he might take you out for a fun evening, but once it starts to seem like a date he gets all Luke Cagey and tense and cuts things short. While the Back Pocket Guy may sometimes drop his guard and have a good time with you, he's also quick to pull the plug on the evening lest you get too attached.
Any other signs that you're in his back pocket?
Its not a good feeling to admit this but I was a back pocket girl, I knew this before I read the blog but didn't know the name for it. It sucks how a person can treat another person like this.
Whatdya do when you have met his friends/fam, he does text or call during the day, but it STILL seems like he's only into yah for the sex???? But he has no problem showing his affection in front of ALL of his friends like at parties, get togethers??
wait, he has introduced you to his friends and family, you two spend great deal of time together and you think he only wants sex? Can it be that he really really likes you but you're just not convinced because you believe that love is always super romantic as it's depicted in rom-coms? Maybe he likes you and cares about you but isn't very romantic person at heart? Or maybe he's just one of the guys who introduces every person to their family and friends. I think the best way is to ask him what he feels. Not in a gestapo way or with making an ultimatim. But create a friendly and romantic atmosphere and just ask - what you mean to him.
I was strung along for six months by a guy. None of these really applied, but I was just a girl on the side to him. I think the biggest hint he can drop about it would likely be he never really does anything YOU want to do. He won't come to your get-togethers, if you suggest something he puts it down, he'll show you affection but only on HIS terms...there are lots more, but it basically boils down to he does what he wants and ignores your voiced opinions.
How about telling you he is still asking women for their numbers after you've been seeing him for about 4 months? (But not actually calling them, or dating them, just getting numbers-yeah, right!) Then telling you he is so busy with his work schedule that he barely has time to date. Wouldn't a guy that was really into you and only wanting you say something more along the lines of it being hard to find time to be with you, and that he was looking forward to spending time with you (as opposed to dating in general)? I am no longer with him, as I want more of a relationship than a text or one phone call a week and seeing him once every 3 weeks. (when I voiced my concerns he said things would be different and they never were. He will be someone else's challege now). A big thank you for all these posts that have helped me to realize that there is more to life and love than being a back pocket girl.
Are you my semi-twin....
Sadly, I've been the Back Pocket Girl and I allowed the douchebag to string me along for months. He even treated the cheap lay he met at the video store better than he treated me. But I was in lurrrve. And I was going to help him change. Ack! Vomit! Not like I get the excuse of having been young and stupid either. I was 32 at the time.
I think that every girl knows when she's being a back pocket girls. The problem is that: we don't want to admit it. When a random guy we went out with once or twice calls from a bar to make a booty call, we think that obviously he went to bar didn't get what he was looking for and now calls me. But when a guy that we're rally into calls we believe that it's because he misses us and wants to spend time together and ok, he's not ready for committment but he clearly likes us because it's 2 a.m and he called ME! Clearly it's a sign that he cares!!! Only later we're willing to admit that it was actually just a easy way to get laid and maybe even some nice friendly conversation afterwards.
When a gut likes you, you'll know. It's just that simple. If you have to ask wheter or not I'm his back pocket girl, the chances are that you are indeed. You have two choices - admit it and be heartbroken or just go with it and be heartbroken later. It seems to me that most people like to postpone the pain of borken heart and choose the latter one...
I think I am a back pocket guy. right now I have 2 girls that text me or fb me from time to time. one always had me in her back pocket with her booty calls and now she is married. she just told me her husband is going on a 10 month deployment and that she isnt prepared. we havnt messed around since she got married. another one has a boyfriend but continues to message me from time to time with flirtacious messages. Unlike most guys I am not obsessed with sex. I have been abstinant for almost 3 years. Mostly because I dont pursue women at all and also because I am really pickey about women and will not return advances from women who are not superhot. these 2 women happen to be of the superhot breed but I feel guilty about flirting with them or talking dirty now that they are not single. Most guys wouldnt care and I probably wont hold out much longer either. its been almost three years for crying out loud.