A recent question posed by a guy wondering why his girlfriend isn't down with his habit of collecting hot women on Facebook
like they're Pokemon prompted an interesting discussion about boyfriend
etiquette on that most popular of social networking sites. So I think
it's time we lay down some ground rules for your guy on Facebook.
While it started out as a place to reconnect with grade school classmates and play Farmville, Facebook has (whether we like it or not) increasingly become a major part of our daily lives. Seeing as how employers and lawyers use Facebook as a way to dig up info on people, it's safe to say it's gone beyond a fun diversion. What you're putting on Facebook can affect your reputation. Similarly, what your guy does on Facebook is seen by your friends, family members, coworkers, and more. Therefore, it's important that he conducts himself in a respectful manner.
Here are five things your guy should never do on Facebook.
List himself as single
There seems to be some debate about this one, which is baffling. If you don't care about his relationship status, or, for that matter, list yourself as single or leave the field blank, then it's not a big deal. But if it bothers you that his page doesn't list him as "in a relationship," then he should man up and change it. All it takes is one click. Why make it an issue? Everyone knows you're a couple in the real world, right? So why act like you're single online? A guy who refuses is either keeping his options open or has one foot out the door.
Post creepy comments on another woman's page
There are few absolutes in this world. But one thing I know for sure is that guys in relationships who post "HOT!" and "DAMN GURL!" on another woman's Facebook photos are creeps. (The same think applies to "likes." A guy "liking" a photo of his female friend in a bikini is both gross and lazy. If he's going to be a creep, he should at least put in the effort to type something.)
Why do guys think this virtual cat-calling is okay? If you were out with your guy, and he yelled "Wow!" at some random woman on the street, you'd punch him in the Anthony Weiner and change your Facebook status to single right then and there. Most guys would never do that. But many people think they can get away with stuff online that they'd never do in real life. And it's even worse if he's writing writing leering comments on his friends' pages. A good rule of thumb is to make sure he acts on Facebook how you want him to act in real life. For instance, writing "Nice dress! Congrats!" on his friend's wedding photo is fine. Writing "You look hot!"...not so much. Imagine if you were at the wedding and your guy said that to the bride in person. Everyone would feel awkward. The same thing applies online.
Complain about you in his status updates
Dan touched on this one in his blog post. The absolute worst thing you can do after a fight is to air your dirty laundry on the Web. Even if it's a thinly veiled, passive aggressive comment ("Don't you hate it when women do..."), everyone on his friends list will assume he's talking about you. And that is so not okay. Facebook should not be that poor friend who is stuck in the middle of your argument who he turns to go, "Don't you agree with me, Steve??"
Friend porn stars or "like" their pages
If a guy has "Dave likes Jenna Jameson" on his page, he might as well add a status message that reads, "Dave is masturbating right now." Do you want your friends or (god forbid) your mom to look at your guy's page and see the entire stable of Vivid Video performers in this "interests" section? This rule also applies to bikini models, webcam models, "Suicide Girls," and pretty much any model who poses either nude or scantily clad on the Web. Celebrities I'll give a pass on, as long as it's not Sasha Grey. Being on Entourage does not make her an actor.
Post constantly on his exes' page
To be clear, this is not to say he can't be friends with an ex on Facebook. And it's not to say he can't "like" her updates, comment on her photos, or do any of the many time-sucking things people do on Facebook. But he should do them in moderation, and with the knowledge of how it affects you. If his constant posting makes you feel jealous, that's a legitimate feeling that he shouldn't just brush off. He's (hopefully) no longer with his ex. Does he constantly go over to her place, look through her photos from her trip to Brazil, and play Scrabble without you there? No? Well, then why should he be doing those things non-stop online? Constant Facebook interaction with an ex is a good sign that he hasn't fully moved on.
Any other Facebook no-nos for your guy?
While it started out as a place to reconnect with grade school classmates and play Farmville, Facebook has (whether we like it or not) increasingly become a major part of our daily lives. Seeing as how employers and lawyers use Facebook as a way to dig up info on people, it's safe to say it's gone beyond a fun diversion. What you're putting on Facebook can affect your reputation. Similarly, what your guy does on Facebook is seen by your friends, family members, coworkers, and more. Therefore, it's important that he conducts himself in a respectful manner.
Here are five things your guy should never do on Facebook.
List himself as single
There seems to be some debate about this one, which is baffling. If you don't care about his relationship status, or, for that matter, list yourself as single or leave the field blank, then it's not a big deal. But if it bothers you that his page doesn't list him as "in a relationship," then he should man up and change it. All it takes is one click. Why make it an issue? Everyone knows you're a couple in the real world, right? So why act like you're single online? A guy who refuses is either keeping his options open or has one foot out the door.
Post creepy comments on another woman's page
There are few absolutes in this world. But one thing I know for sure is that guys in relationships who post "HOT!" and "DAMN GURL!" on another woman's Facebook photos are creeps. (The same think applies to "likes." A guy "liking" a photo of his female friend in a bikini is both gross and lazy. If he's going to be a creep, he should at least put in the effort to type something.)
Why do guys think this virtual cat-calling is okay? If you were out with your guy, and he yelled "Wow!" at some random woman on the street, you'd punch him in the Anthony Weiner and change your Facebook status to single right then and there. Most guys would never do that. But many people think they can get away with stuff online that they'd never do in real life. And it's even worse if he's writing writing leering comments on his friends' pages. A good rule of thumb is to make sure he acts on Facebook how you want him to act in real life. For instance, writing "Nice dress! Congrats!" on his friend's wedding photo is fine. Writing "You look hot!"...not so much. Imagine if you were at the wedding and your guy said that to the bride in person. Everyone would feel awkward. The same thing applies online.
Complain about you in his status updates
Dan touched on this one in his blog post. The absolute worst thing you can do after a fight is to air your dirty laundry on the Web. Even if it's a thinly veiled, passive aggressive comment ("Don't you hate it when women do..."), everyone on his friends list will assume he's talking about you. And that is so not okay. Facebook should not be that poor friend who is stuck in the middle of your argument who he turns to go, "Don't you agree with me, Steve??"
Friend porn stars or "like" their pages
If a guy has "Dave likes Jenna Jameson" on his page, he might as well add a status message that reads, "Dave is masturbating right now." Do you want your friends or (god forbid) your mom to look at your guy's page and see the entire stable of Vivid Video performers in this "interests" section? This rule also applies to bikini models, webcam models, "Suicide Girls," and pretty much any model who poses either nude or scantily clad on the Web. Celebrities I'll give a pass on, as long as it's not Sasha Grey. Being on Entourage does not make her an actor.
Post constantly on his exes' page
To be clear, this is not to say he can't be friends with an ex on Facebook. And it's not to say he can't "like" her updates, comment on her photos, or do any of the many time-sucking things people do on Facebook. But he should do them in moderation, and with the knowledge of how it affects you. If his constant posting makes you feel jealous, that's a legitimate feeling that he shouldn't just brush off. He's (hopefully) no longer with his ex. Does he constantly go over to her place, look through her photos from her trip to Brazil, and play Scrabble without you there? No? Well, then why should he be doing those things non-stop online? Constant Facebook interaction with an ex is a good sign that he hasn't fully moved on.
Any other Facebook no-nos for your guy?
I completely agree, and think these are all applicable to women as well, at least to a degree. Sadly I've known more women to break these rules regularly than men.
I would add the frequent trawling for compliments type posts to the list, for both guys and ladies. It's one thing to have a bad day, but for the people who are putting up self depreciating statuses four times a week just to hear "Nooo, you're great/you're not fat/you are totally justified in blah blah blah etc. It's a big flashing sign that they're insecure and reliant on others to always feed their self esteem.
Not adding your girl friend as a friend, especially when you're friends with ex's. But there's really almost no excuse, unless you have a second page that is strictly professional/business related or something, and you have no family or friends on it, but you better add her to your personal page. And nothing says sketchy quite like blocking your gf, or having reapply high security settings and refusing to add her. That does NOT mean you are under any obligation to give her your password or some other bs, but if you can't show your girl friend what you broadcast to everyone you know, there's a problem.
Yeah, that's bad. There's really no reason not to add your girlfriend. If it's entirely professional contacts, why are you on Facebook? Use Linkedin for that.
I'm not sure how I feel about the relationship status thing. I've been with my guy for two years and he's NEVER changed it, even though I've asked three times. (It's blank, not "single") He said he liked keeping his profile bare, which it is, and that Facebook "isn't for important things." I think he just uses it to keep in touch with friends and pretty much hates it besides. Still bugs me though :/
Blank is different than telling everyone one you're single, he's not denying you, he's choosing not to broadcast his personal info all over thecweb, you shod respect his wish not to. More people should show discretion when filling out their profiles, we tend to put way more info then is prudent or even safe.
Never a fan of social networking sites, and have pretty much avoided it. I recently decided to come back to FB, however, just to give it another try. My SO has one, but we're not friends there. I prefer it to be that way.
I'm not in a relationship so it really doesn't matter, but as a wannabe writer, I'm friends with a lot of people in the entertainment business, which includes some adult performers, as well as catalog and fashion models, people in music, actors, ets. If they post a photo I may give it a quick like if I'm busy, or I may comment on it. The comment is never anything like "damn U look hot" because I consider that to be pretty lame and generic. Usually it's something like "great pose" or "that's a slamming outfit" or "you look happy" or something of that nature. I suppose that most guys out there aren't artists/writers/performers, of course, but for the ones that are, they may have friends in these industries too, and the rules are slightly different.
What do you think about a guy that friends a lot of people from other countries and that are usually girls?? Weird and dump? or Ignore?? He also writes on their walls with smiley faces or hellos to these random people.......Thoughts people!!
Do you think it's weird in general, or just certain people? Like, if those people he had on facebook from other countries were dudes, would you care as much, if at all? I don't know maybe it depends on how many girls he's got on there. Because i have a male friend from a different country(just one mind you..) that i guess you'd call a "pen pal" or something similar, but we regularly talk and bullshit on FB, but i don't consider it a big deal. We've been "pen pals" for well over two years, and i've never heard of an issue. I had never thought of this from the gf's view though. Just wondering if this sounded similar to your situation?
What about a guy (hopefully future SO) that friends girls from different countries, likes pics and status, writes on their wall, etc? Weird or ignore?? I think its super weird, just talk with the people you already know!!! Thoughts people!!
It's definitely weird. I'd be wary.
"you'd punch him in the Anthony Weiner" brilliant :D
Nickster...great. Your list was so compelling, I don't know whether to give up Facebook, or guys. Dang. ;)
Finally, validation! I used to tell my ex it made uncomfortable when he liked his ex's photos (the only part of her profile I could see), and he just used to brush it off. I'm a very tolerant person, and I'm fine with a guy being friends with his exes, however liking a photo of her duck-face seemed a bit much. At least now I know I'm not crazy!
This sounds similar to my boyfriend. He doesn't add random girls, but mutual friends. He is online a lot due to his job which gets boring sometimes so he fbchats with friends, which I get. I don't get however, some of the things he says to girls that are totally inappropriate to me. For example: "Dayum you look good in your new photo" and "I would love to see you in a swimsuit, even if it was a one piece I'd still dunk you" and "We should hang out the next time you're in town" Of course he says he wouldn't cheat on me and is just BEING NICE and friendly. Is being nice actually a real excuse? I don't think so. I don't trust him when he says that at all. That's more than being nice and friendly. I've talked to him about it and he said he stopped. I'm not sure if I trust that he did or even what else to do about the situation. Any suggestions?
I could deal with the "Dayum you look good in your new photo" type of comments *if* I know and am comfortable with the girl he's commenting to and the nature of their relationship, and "We should hang out the next time you're in town" would apply as well.
But "I would love to see you in a swimsuit, even if it was a one piece I'd still dunk you" is absolutely inappropriate, and absolutely unacceptable, for anyone in a committed relationship to be saying to anyone outside of said committed relationship. And no, that is not "just being nice." It is crossing the line.
If he says he stopped, and you no longer see these types of interactions, why would you not trust what he says? Has he given you reason not to trust his word? If so, then that is a larger problem than FB comments. My husband did give me plenty reason not to trust him, and over a year later I'm just now starting to feel safe to trust his actions on FB and elsewhere without feeling the need to check up on what he's doing on a regular basis... only because he has shown me through actions that he is *being* a trustworthy person. As a matter of fact, just last week I was commenting on a conversation with mutual ("real life") friends, and noticed some young girl on his friends list who likes posing for the camera just a bit too much. (Not nude or even swimsuit stuff, but just one of those young girls that feel the need to scream out "SEXUALITY!" in their photos for attention.) So I calmly asked him who she was, as she could easily have been a daughter or niece of one of his friends, or a coworker, etc. He said he really doesn't know, that she sent him an add request and he accepted it. (We both deny a lot of requests, whereas there are others we'll approve unless/until they bother us or we simply don't talk, etc.) I told him that I didn't feel very comfortable with the "eye candy" on his friends list when it's someone neither of us even knows. He said OK without blinking an eye, and promptly deleted her from his list. He also offered to show me the interactions between them, or the lack thereof since there hadn't been any... again, because he did blow the trust thing last year, and he wants to earn and keep my trust again.
Needless to say, so long as one's partner (man or woman) doesn't say or do things that are absolutely unacceptable AND stops behaviors out of respect for one's partner's discomfort, then I think there's nothing to worry about. It's when those kinds of actions continue after discomfort has been expressed, or when things are being hidden (online, cell phone texts/calls, face to face; doesn't matter) or just downright "shifty" behaviors that we need to worry. At least that is my opinion, and again I am dealing with fallout from broken trust in my marriage.
This sounds similar to my boyfriend. He doesn't add random girls, but mutual friends. He is online a lot due to his job which gets boring sometimes so he fbchats with friends, which I get. I don't get however, some of the things he says to girls that are totally inappropriate to me. For example: "Dayum you look good in your new photo" and "I would love to see you in a swimsuit, even if it was a one piece I'd still dunk you" and "We should hang out the next time you're in town" Of course he says he wouldn't cheat on me and is just BEING NICE and friendly. Is being nice actually a real excuse? I don't think so. I don't trust him when he says that at all. That's more than being nice and friendly. I've talked to him about it and he said he stopped. I'm not sure if I trust that he did or even what else to do about the situation. Any suggestions?
I'm glad facebook wasn't around when I dated my ex, he was always looking at other girls and I'm insecure enough as it is, if FB had been around then I would've kicked him to the curb immediately.
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