How do you get over a guy who isn't into you? How do you ask him if
he's serious about you? How do I balance work with true love? How do I
handle a guy who compares me to his more gorgeous ex-girlfriends? How
do you know which habits annoy guys? How important are formal weddings
to men? It's a how-to guide edition of GuySpeak's Best of the Week!
How important are formal weddings to men? I tried to convince my fiancé to elope, have just our immediate family, but he said we should do a proper wedding. We're at the point of no return; I hate the planning and wish we had eloped.
Chic Geek says:
It depends on the guy, but this sounds like a case of your guy wanting to please his family. "I think we should have a big wedding" usually translates to "My mom always wanted to see me walk down the aisle and my grandmother will be sad if she hears we got married and didn't invite her and also my aunt and cousin who I haven't seen since I was 12 will want to come, etc." If he says he wants to have a wedding, then it's important to him. But this sounds like he thinks it's important to do for his family and also in the end maybe he thinks it'll be nice to have family and friends around.
If you had asked me a few years ago if I wanted to have a formal wedding, I probably would've said no. But after going to weddings of friends in recent years, I can see the appeal. Also, I can see why you'd want to elope. Ultimately, you want to both agree on how you'll spend the big day. You don't want to look back with regret.
So since you're at the point of no return, remember that he's probably doing it for his family. Deep down he may agree with you about eloping, but he knows this is the right thing to do for both your families. It might be stressful now, but in the end you'll have fun with your friends and relatives. Planning a wedding is the first real step for a married couple. It's where you start to learn about compromising, picking your battles, etc. It's impossible to please everyone, so just try to do the best you can and remember that this day is for you and your fiance, not just your family.
Gal Pal says:
It takes two people to tango - and get married. Thoughtful compromise is the key to a relationship that pleases both parties. You said you're past the point of no return on the wedding, so do yourself a favor and enjoy the ride!
How do you get over a guy who isn't into you? Is there some sort of step by step guide? You'd think with my 100% rejection rate I would have perfected it by now, but I haven't.
Wise-Ass says:
You get over it by saying to yourself:
"The guy wasn't into me. It happens. It doesn't make him a bad guy or me a loser, and I'm not going let it define how I feel about myself. Not everyone is going to like me. Chemistry is an unpredictable thing. If a guy rejects me who doesn't even know me, how personally can I take it?
I'm not perfect, anyway. Everyone has traits that are likeable and unlikeable, and I'm working on my shortcomings. I know that I'm a good person with a lot to offer to the right guy. Unfortunately, this guy wasn't it, nor was I the right girl for him.
This isn't the first time I've been rejected, and it won't be the last. I might get shunned twenty more times before I meet someone who reciprocates my feelings. Rejection is a normal part of the dating process, and a fact of life for all of us, not just me. I won't waste another minute feeling sorry for myself, because I refuse to let other people, especially mere acquaintances, determine my self-worth.
No one said dating would be easy. Nothing worth having is easy. I'm hot shit, I'm tough, and I can handle this. My guy is out there somewhere. I just have to keep at it."
Then you brush the dirt off your ass and get back on the horse.
Gal Pal says:
I'm getting that on a license plate.
I just started dating someone after moving across the country. I've never felt this happy or secure in a relationship - it's amazing - and he feels the same way (thank goodness). My only problem? I don't know how to balance the real world (school/work/new friendships) when I want to spend ALL of my time with him. HELP!
Mystery Man says:
Same way as you balance everything else in life. Very carefully.
Still, you are all excited and everything, so I guess I can help out someone with a great username. Work and school come first, with 100% of your attention. After all, no work = no eat and skimping schoolwork = failing to get a better job. He'll be fine with that too. He's got the same problem.
You are smart to devote time to new friendships. They take time and attention to develop and grow and, to be honest, friendship is probably the most important thing there is. In some respects, even more important than love.
It'll balance out on it's own eventually. Things always do as you come to an arrangement about me vs. we. At the moment, keep an eye on the balance, but enjoy every minute of it. Life is too short to skimp on a pleasure.
Gal Pal says:
School is the priority, my smitten friend. And work is critical, too. Those friends? You're going to need them if your Love Boat happens to sink. Set aside your leftover time for him - you'll both feel more irresistible during those never-ending two-hour absences from one another.
I want to ask the guy I've been seeing for a while if we're exclusive, but how do I ask without it being accusatory/wanting something more? I'm happy with how things are going, I just want to know we're only seeing each other. Thanks!
Girls' BFF says:
Well, you basically just have to ask him. There's no way to nuance, finesse, or trick him into answering that question and hearing it just the way you want it to sound. Plus, you do want something more. You want to make sure you're exclusive...but if you're not, you want to be exclusive.
Look, sometimes you just have to have the conversation. Period. I know nobody wants to rock the boat. We'd rather stay we are then lose what we have because we put the other person in a position of power or in a position to crush what we hope and think we are, but relationships don't work unless you feel comfortable enough to speak to the person you're dating.
And in order to get what you want - which is to be exclusive - you have to bring it up. You can't just hope that you're in that position and bring it up jokingly hoping that everybody will just laugh it off. While that might happen, you want to have one of those relationship convos that's nervewracking for everybody involved.
I'm sure that you are happy and that you will continue to be so. You'll feel much better after you ask him what you need to ask him and clear your mind and chest.
So do the normal woman thing and say, "we need to talk..." and then just go into what you want to know
Gal Pal says:
I agree with everything Panama suggests, except the "we need to talk" intro. Strike those words from your vocabulary! They're sure to send men into panic mode. Just say, "Hey, Boyfriend. I think you're cool. I really like hanging out with you." (Hopefully he jumps in at this point in agreeance...if not, you might want to abort mission.) I think I'm ready to be exclusive - what do you think about that?" Good luck - we're rooting for you!
What Are A Few Things That Guys Hate That Us, Females, Do?
Reformed Player says:
I'm unwilling to generalize for an entire gender, because, realistically, anything women are stereotyped as doing, men do all the time too.
Passive aggressiveness? Yep, guys do that in spades. Backbiting? Check. Gossiping? Check. Nagging? Oh yeah. General social cruelty? In spades.
Bad habits aren't genetic, they're learned, and anyone can pick up on them. So, if anything, you should really be asking yourself: "Why are women stereotyped as doing this stuff when men do it too?"
Gal Pal says:
See above: "We need to talk..."
My boyfriend is about 10 years older than me and we have a great friendship, great sex and a great thing going on. But sometimes he tells me that his ex girlfriends were totally too beautiful for him and describes me with a great heart and great personality. I feel so horrible. Should I not take it personal?
Funny Guy says:
You "feel so horrible". That's exactly how you are feeling. And so that's exactly how you "should" be feeling. Emotional case, closed. If you are asking me if you're reading into his statements wrong and should not be affected I must say: NO, you are right to be hurt, pissed, and feeling like some shade of sh*t.
It's a nasty thing to hear that you're the one with a great heart while those in his past were the ones with the great face and bodies. Nobody should feel like they are merely the personality partner not the full package partner.
I can only surmise that this man, ten years your senior, is at his core insecure. He felt insecure with these women in the past, and his current feelings of inadequacy are "permitting" him to regale you with glorified stories of his past while demoting you. It's sheer, unchecked, prickishness.
You say your tight friends, the sex is good and you've got a great thing going on. If that's the case then express your anger and pain to him. The two of you should be able to resolve this. Perhaps his age difference has created some dynamic for you guys, where he (the "been there, done that" type) tells you, the little lady "how it is," and "what it's all about." But if so, that dynamic has got to stop. In fact, if anything his maturity should grant him more emotional sophistication and measure, not less.
So, you have your work cut out for you: defending yourself and creating new rules and reality for your relationship. The beauty of it is it will, in part, take great heart and personality.
Gal Pal says:
What a sleazy sounding guy. Either he's totally clueless or he's totally a jerk. You need to call him on his ass-hattery and remind him how hot you are...and how deserving of his worship. Otherwise, I'm sure there are guys 10 years younger than him that would happy to step up to the plate.
That's it for this week. Thanks for playing, guys and girls!
Chic Geek says:
If you had asked me a few years ago if I wanted to have a formal wedding, I probably would've said no. But after going to weddings of friends in recent years, I can see the appeal. Also, I can see why you'd want to elope. Ultimately, you want to both agree on how you'll spend the big day. You don't want to look back with regret.
So since you're at the point of no return, remember that he's probably doing it for his family. Deep down he may agree with you about eloping, but he knows this is the right thing to do for both your families. It might be stressful now, but in the end you'll have fun with your friends and relatives. Planning a wedding is the first real step for a married couple. It's where you start to learn about compromising, picking your battles, etc. It's impossible to please everyone, so just try to do the best you can and remember that this day is for you and your fiance, not just your family.
Gal Pal says:
It takes two people to tango - and get married. Thoughtful compromise is the key to a relationship that pleases both parties. You said you're past the point of no return on the wedding, so do yourself a favor and enjoy the ride!
How do you get over a guy who isn't into you? Is there some sort of step by step guide? You'd think with my 100% rejection rate I would have perfected it by now, but I haven't.
Wise-Ass says:
"The guy wasn't into me. It happens. It doesn't make him a bad guy or me a loser, and I'm not going let it define how I feel about myself. Not everyone is going to like me. Chemistry is an unpredictable thing. If a guy rejects me who doesn't even know me, how personally can I take it?
I'm not perfect, anyway. Everyone has traits that are likeable and unlikeable, and I'm working on my shortcomings. I know that I'm a good person with a lot to offer to the right guy. Unfortunately, this guy wasn't it, nor was I the right girl for him.
This isn't the first time I've been rejected, and it won't be the last. I might get shunned twenty more times before I meet someone who reciprocates my feelings. Rejection is a normal part of the dating process, and a fact of life for all of us, not just me. I won't waste another minute feeling sorry for myself, because I refuse to let other people, especially mere acquaintances, determine my self-worth.
No one said dating would be easy. Nothing worth having is easy. I'm hot shit, I'm tough, and I can handle this. My guy is out there somewhere. I just have to keep at it."
Then you brush the dirt off your ass and get back on the horse.
Gal Pal says:
I'm getting that on a license plate.
I just started dating someone after moving across the country. I've never felt this happy or secure in a relationship - it's amazing - and he feels the same way (thank goodness). My only problem? I don't know how to balance the real world (school/work/new friendships) when I want to spend ALL of my time with him. HELP!
Mystery Man says:
Same way as you balance everything else in life. Very carefully.
Still, you are all excited and everything, so I guess I can help out someone with a great username. Work and school come first, with 100% of your attention. After all, no work = no eat and skimping schoolwork = failing to get a better job. He'll be fine with that too. He's got the same problem.
You are smart to devote time to new friendships. They take time and attention to develop and grow and, to be honest, friendship is probably the most important thing there is. In some respects, even more important than love.
It'll balance out on it's own eventually. Things always do as you come to an arrangement about me vs. we. At the moment, keep an eye on the balance, but enjoy every minute of it. Life is too short to skimp on a pleasure.
Gal Pal says:
School is the priority, my smitten friend. And work is critical, too. Those friends? You're going to need them if your Love Boat happens to sink. Set aside your leftover time for him - you'll both feel more irresistible during those never-ending two-hour absences from one another.
I want to ask the guy I've been seeing for a while if we're exclusive, but how do I ask without it being accusatory/wanting something more? I'm happy with how things are going, I just want to know we're only seeing each other. Thanks!
Girls' BFF says:
Well, you basically just have to ask him. There's no way to nuance, finesse, or trick him into answering that question and hearing it just the way you want it to sound. Plus, you do want something more. You want to make sure you're exclusive...but if you're not, you want to be exclusive.
Look, sometimes you just have to have the conversation. Period. I know nobody wants to rock the boat. We'd rather stay we are then lose what we have because we put the other person in a position of power or in a position to crush what we hope and think we are, but relationships don't work unless you feel comfortable enough to speak to the person you're dating.
And in order to get what you want - which is to be exclusive - you have to bring it up. You can't just hope that you're in that position and bring it up jokingly hoping that everybody will just laugh it off. While that might happen, you want to have one of those relationship convos that's nervewracking for everybody involved.
I'm sure that you are happy and that you will continue to be so. You'll feel much better after you ask him what you need to ask him and clear your mind and chest.
So do the normal woman thing and say, "we need to talk..." and then just go into what you want to know
Gal Pal says:
I agree with everything Panama suggests, except the "we need to talk" intro. Strike those words from your vocabulary! They're sure to send men into panic mode. Just say, "Hey, Boyfriend. I think you're cool. I really like hanging out with you." (Hopefully he jumps in at this point in agreeance...if not, you might want to abort mission.) I think I'm ready to be exclusive - what do you think about that?" Good luck - we're rooting for you!
What Are A Few Things That Guys Hate That Us, Females, Do?
Reformed Player says:
Passive aggressiveness? Yep, guys do that in spades. Backbiting? Check. Gossiping? Check. Nagging? Oh yeah. General social cruelty? In spades.
Bad habits aren't genetic, they're learned, and anyone can pick up on them. So, if anything, you should really be asking yourself: "Why are women stereotyped as doing this stuff when men do it too?"
Gal Pal says:
See above: "We need to talk..."
My boyfriend is about 10 years older than me and we have a great friendship, great sex and a great thing going on. But sometimes he tells me that his ex girlfriends were totally too beautiful for him and describes me with a great heart and great personality. I feel so horrible. Should I not take it personal?
Funny Guy says:
It's a nasty thing to hear that you're the one with a great heart while those in his past were the ones with the great face and bodies. Nobody should feel like they are merely the personality partner not the full package partner.
I can only surmise that this man, ten years your senior, is at his core insecure. He felt insecure with these women in the past, and his current feelings of inadequacy are "permitting" him to regale you with glorified stories of his past while demoting you. It's sheer, unchecked, prickishness.
You say your tight friends, the sex is good and you've got a great thing going on. If that's the case then express your anger and pain to him. The two of you should be able to resolve this. Perhaps his age difference has created some dynamic for you guys, where he (the "been there, done that" type) tells you, the little lady "how it is," and "what it's all about." But if so, that dynamic has got to stop. In fact, if anything his maturity should grant him more emotional sophistication and measure, not less.
So, you have your work cut out for you: defending yourself and creating new rules and reality for your relationship. The beauty of it is it will, in part, take great heart and personality.
Gal Pal says:
What a sleazy sounding guy. Either he's totally clueless or he's totally a jerk. You need to call him on his ass-hattery and remind him how hot you are...and how deserving of his worship. Otherwise, I'm sure there are guys 10 years younger than him that would happy to step up to the plate.
That's it for this week. Thanks for playing, guys and girls!
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