It's time once again for another installment of GuySpeak Vs. Lemondrop, the Internet's premiere source for guy/gal relationship banter. How does it work, you ask? We take one of your questions, and debate it back-and-forth with Lemondrop's esteemed relationship guru Emily Gordon. Sparks fly! Tensions flare! I ramble on about the American Pie movies in our chat! It's all below, just for you.
Today's question:
Lemondrop's Emily writes:
Before I say anything else, let me first say, my dear, that there is hope. It may seem to you that you're in an embarrassing situation, when really, I imagine several of your more experienced girlfriends are jealous of you for not giving it up to the first guy who offered to take it. Your hesitation shows class and self-respect.
But since this isn't an after-school special, I don't want to spend all my time discussing how cool it is to wait to have sex. When you're young and feel different from other people your age, it's common to believe that guys will hate you for it. If you were extremely sexually experienced, you would probably be writing in to ask if there was hope in being a slut, because "guys can't stand that." See my point?
Instead of wondering whether or not guys will hate where you are on the sexually active continuum, imagine a world where men are totally fine with all levels of sexual experience, then ask yourself how you feel about being a virgin? We should be focusing on ourselves and our own level of enjoyment more than what guys are thinking. After all, often guys aren't thinking anything anyway.
My advice to you is to either figure out a place where you feel comfortably proud about your virginity, or to fake that feeling and develop a charming speech that you give to potential suitors. Don't give the speech immediately, as spilling your secrets early on is a turnoff for everyone, but somewhere after the first make-out and the date after that, cheekily let him know that you're different from other girls because you have something they don't ... Hint: If you seem embarrassed about revealing your secret, the guy will feel embarrassed too. He's looking to you to see how to react.
Of course, he might freak out for half a second, but I'm willing to bet he'll quickly return to his normal self, and if he keeps freaking out, then feel lucky that you have a built-in douche detector.
Sometimes girls don't figure that out until well after they sleep with a guy.
Nick the Chic Geek says:
Relax. I know 23 seems too old to still be hanging onto your V-card, but it really isn't. You are not a freak. Everyone moves at their own pace. Who says you have to lose your virginity by the time you get out of high school, or even college? The American Pie movies?
Look at it this way: You haven't met the right person yet. He wasn't in high school or college, but he may be in your life right now, or he may be someone you meet tomorrow. You hit it on the head when you said you haven't been in a real relationship yet. You should be focusing right now on finding a guy who respects and cares for you. At this point, there is no reason to throw away your virginity on a one-night stand. You didn't lose it in a drunken haze to some douchenozzle in college. Be proud that you've held out for the right person.
Yes, some guys will be freaked out. They might not want the pressure of being your first and worry that you'll get attached to them right away. But, really, a guy who would be freaked out by a 23-year-old virgin is probably immature and terrible in bed. Find a nice guy who isn't a player, someone who is also maybe a little inexperienced, and you will be fine. Also, whether they want to admit it or not, there are a lot of 23-year-old male virgins out there. Not every guy in your age group is a sex-crazed manwhore -- many guys in their early 20s are still fumbling around and learning. Find someone to fumble with.
If you aren't finding any decent guys in your day-to-day life, try online dating. The real issue here is finding a nice guy who will stick around after your first time. When you find him, don't tell him you're a virgin right away. That could freak a guy out, because it shows you wear your virginity on your sleeve. It's definitely TMI for a first date. It doesn't sound like you're waiting for marriage, so there is no reason to broadcast your virginity to a guy who you're just getting to know.
Get comfortable with him and tell him once you start getting intimate. Laugh it off. Say, "Yeah, I just never met the right person. Whatever. It'll happen when it happens." If you have a relaxed, mature attitude about it, he's less likely to get freaked and run the other way.
This was a great answer!! I'm a soon-to-be 22 year old virgin... my last attempt at a relationship involved us getting naked but I couldn't give in on actually having sex. He was something of a committment-phobe. Glad to know I didn't waste the moment on him...and am trying to keep my chin up so I can find someone better :)
I'm 21 and still a virgin, so I guess I'm in a similar situation. Both advice seem to assume that the person has previously been presented with a chance to lose their virginity and are just holding out for the right guy. I've never been in a situation where a guy is even remotely interested in me. I've already graduated from college so I can't really meet guys that way anymore. Should I just give up and accept that a relationship is not in my future?
I was in your same situation. I'm 22, not a virgin - but I lost it right around turning 22, so still a noob. I graduated college at 21 as well, never really had a serious relationship and I viewed (still view) that my virginity was more of a right of passage. I was to decide when and with whom I would share that with. I was not in love with the person I gave it (up) to, but I don't regret it, because I chose (after carefully thinking about it of course) to share that part of me with him. He knew I was a virgin and it freaked him out more than it did me, but I told him in a calm and casual way how I viewed virginity and he was ok with it. And he did not pressure me into anything - big deal.
Though that "relationship" didn't quite work out, I was able to not get "attached" like a leech to this guy due to my having waited for the right moment for me, having really thought about my decision and accepted that whatever happens from then on is a learning exsperience. Now, I'm glad to say, I'm currently dating this amazing guy who, I met online btw, which is not exactly conventional (though it's starting to get there) but most times, as Emily wrote, chicks can sense a douche coming on. This guy is pretty experienced and knows that I've only been with one other guy, so he has taken it upon himself to be my sweet yet passionate "teacher" haha ;)
So Dita, don't worry gal, we're/you're still young! Relationships will happen to you - but I am a firm believer that you need to at least plant some seeds (talk to guys, online dating, bars, parties, pottery class??) in order for your Love tree to grow.
I'm 25 and wish I was a virgin lol. I wasted it on some reallll scrubs.. Love yourself, respect yourself.. That's what matters
Hey - I lost mine when I was 29 years old. I look back now and am proud that I didn't "do it" just to "do it". I waited to share it with someone whom I had fallen in love with and felt deserved it. Yeah, it kinda got him a little worked up when I told him, but after time spent getting closer an, our bond getting stronger, we eventually became more and more intimate (sort of in stages), it just happened one day. Ultimately, the relationship ended due to some rather harsh circumstances that worked against us and, being that it was long distance, only made it tougher. However, I don't regret being with him and I think of him fondly everyday.
I'm a very picky-choosy kinda gal ... I'm currently involved with my second-ever mate and I'm now about to turn 39 in June!
It's funny, when I engage in conversations, with both men and women alike, that broaches this subject - people are shocked yet say that they absolutely respect that I waited and, nine times out of ten, they follow that up with how they wished that had done the same.
You'll know with whom and at what time is right for you at what will be the right time in your life. Don't force anything, don't search like crazy. Take it all in stride and it'll happen when it's supposed to happen for you. :-)
I'm definitely in the same boat as the other women here -- early-to-mid 20s and still a virgin. I'm relatively attractive, funny, and well-educated; however, I seem to imitimidate men. To my friends and me, those facts seem to explain my lack of experience. And believe me, I'm as inexperienced as it comes in pretty much every way possible. To use the baseball diamond cliche, I've certainly never gotten past 1st with another person, and I've never done anything by myself.
That last part is what concerns me most when it comes to ever actually having sex. Not only do I not know what I'm doing with someone else, I don't even know what I'm doing with myself. However, because of my lack of experience, I find masturbation physically uncomfortable, so I don't really know what else to do. :-/
In response to Sidney: I wouldn't worry about needing to "lose it" by a certain age, especially in your case. I tend to believe that a good lover has to understand their own sexuality first. Perhaps not completely, since you can always learn new things from the people you choose to be intimate with, but to the extent that you are comfortable with yourself as a sexual being. I've been rather adept at getting myself off for as long as I can remember (at least as early as 6 or 7), but I waited until I was 26 to actually have sex (I'm about to turn 27 in a few weeks, so it's really only been 6 months). I had a few sexual "experiences" before the actual "penis in vagina" sex, and my boyfriend and I worked up to sex with a few "experiences" of our own, so I wasn't entirely new to the basics of male-female intimacy, but it wasn't so long ago that I hadn't had much experience at all, other than the time I've spent with myself. Nevertheless, I don't think that I would have been nearly as comfortable (or enjoyed myself nearly as much) in any of those sexual encounters if I hadn't been very comfortable with the fact of my own sexuality. On that note, I would suggest that you pick up a book, such as "I (Heart) Female Orgasm," or something similar, and teach yourself the fine art of getting yourself off. It will not only help you, it will end up being helpful for whoever you choose to have sex with, WHENEVER it happens.
This post has come in a very good moment
I'm 21 and I'm a virgin. The past couple of month have been really hard for me because I'm on exchange in Europe and people around me talk about sex a lot, so, im usually hearing conversations and that just make me really ansious.
I dont want to wait until marriage and I was involved in a close situation with a friend who lives in another country in Europe but we didn't do it, i was really affraid and the situation wasn't the best. I was thinking about visiting my friend and making it happen but i'm not sure yer. I don't know if that's the best idea. Should i just take that to an end and stopy worrying or should i really wait for someone who i feel really good about (my friend is really nice, but i'm still know sure he should be the one to give it to).
this post has given me 2 amazing points of view. Hopefully, my confusion will stop soon.
I kept mine until I was 21. The opportunity just never came up before then. After reading this I realized how lucky I am that the guy I did it with turned out the be a pretty sweet guy. I've been with a few dicks since then and I can't imagine how sucky it would have been if I had done it with one of them.
glad to see i'm not alone in the early twenties virginity thing... and that it's not a total dealbreaker. it's hard not to think that, when a guy finds out, he's gonna be like, OHAY NO THANKS, and peace out. guess those are the douchey ones, eh? hmm.
lol i understand where every1 here is coming from ... 22 and still single but that's more cause im not to sure i want a relationship... oh sure sex is great and the comfort of having some1 there when u need them is nice but the price is big 2... don't get to b lazy and do w/e i want have to live for others and im kinda selfish at times(i know need to grow up right)... off topic... all a matter of what they think don't matter at all... its ure life live it how u want u don't wanna remain a virgin or to deal with a relationship find a nice f*** buddy otherwise start looking... the key is get over the attitude im not good enough.. you prob are not good enough for the hot chick with all her friends... that's y u set yourself on equal footing... build friendship... its like oh hay hot chick lets b friends... hot friend lets go on date... hot date lets go beyond... gradually build up and u can find some1 easy enough if ure not a total ass... so easy yet so difficult at same time
reply's to this on what u think r helpful to every1 here :D