Two websites, one question. Here's another (not so) heated debate between Guyspeak and Lemondrop, which is a chick site for those of you who don't know. This week's question is a tricky one, too. So let's hup to it.
Is it terrible not to tell a boyfriend that you're pregnant and not keeping it? I'm afraid to inform him, since we have not been dating long and I think it would harm the relationship. Not that he's a bad guy and wouldn't be supportive.
Cary says:
I don't know if it's terrible not to tell him, but personally, I think you should. I say that conditionally, though, and not with the kind of judgmental male superiority you hear from politicians and clergy and others who like to prattle on about abortion when we all know damn well that if men could get pregnant, legal abortion wouldn't even be an issue.
No, I can see how easy and drama-free it would be just to handle the pregnancy on your own. I also get that it is your body and your business, since you are the one who's pregnant and all he did was provide the sperm. But to me, providing the sperm is enough to earn him at least the news of your pregnancy.
Like it or not, your boyfriend has a stake in this pregnancy, regardless of how long you've been dating, regardless of how you think he'll react, regardless of whether or not it will harm your relationship. If you chose to give birth, he would have a legal responsibility to you and the child, so to exclude him from involvement because you choose to terminate strikes me as a double standard. As a biological contributor to the pregnancy, he deserves to know about it. It's not your problem alone.
I'm not saying you have to solicit or defer to his opinion. I think most guys in his situation are no more ready to be a parent than you are, so I doubt you'll get much pushback. If you did, though, if he wanted to insist that you see the pregnancy through and deliver a baby, then you could play the "my body, my decision" argument and be within your right to do so. He can't make choices for you that will affect your life significantly more than they affect his just because he likes the idea of being a dad.
What I do think you owe him is the truth about the pregnancy -- a courtesy notification, if you will. You're telling him that you are pregnant and have chosen a course of action that you believe is in everyone's best interest, and you hope he agrees. If he doesn't, you're sorry, but you aren't ready to be his baby mama just yet. The final decision is yours.
If it were me, I'd want to know, and I'd want to help you in any way you needed.
Emily says:
This is a very delicate situation, and while Cary is completely and totally justified in his opinion that your new boyfriend should know about your pregnancy, I don't think you're a terrible person for not telling him. I understand the desire to want to just take care of things and let the relationship play out without drama this early on.
Your reproductive health is yours and yours alone. Any man, whether a stranger or a husband, can enter into a sexual relationship with you. But as the person with the womb, you're the one, ultimately, who decides what to do with it. This puts women in the position of making difficult, sometimes gut-wrenching decisions -- and in making those decisions, we sometimes isolate ourselves, even though going it alone isn't always the best approach.
My biggest concern with your question is the sense I get that somehow your "condition" could upset the relationship or inconvenience your new boyfriend. You didn't make a mistake that you now need to cover up before anyone finds out; this pregnancy is a result of consensual sex. Though you could soldier through this alone, why would you? Why would you deny yourself the support through a potentially difficult time and carry all of this on your own?
If you are already having concerns about how this man will react to stressful situations, this may not be the best relationship for you. How many other things will you keep to yourself in order to protect him? How long before you allow him to support you emotionally in a difficult time?
The decision to terminate this pregnancy may be a tough one for you, but it's one I'm sure you felt was the best decision at this time. Not telling your boyfriend may make things easier on your relationship, but I would encourage you not to sacrifice your own needs for the comfort of others.
How about you? What do you think is the right decision?
Is it terrible not to tell a boyfriend that you're pregnant and not keeping it? I'm afraid to inform him, since we have not been dating long and I think it would harm the relationship. Not that he's a bad guy and wouldn't be supportive.
Cary says:
I don't know if it's terrible not to tell him, but personally, I think you should. I say that conditionally, though, and not with the kind of judgmental male superiority you hear from politicians and clergy and others who like to prattle on about abortion when we all know damn well that if men could get pregnant, legal abortion wouldn't even be an issue.No, I can see how easy and drama-free it would be just to handle the pregnancy on your own. I also get that it is your body and your business, since you are the one who's pregnant and all he did was provide the sperm. But to me, providing the sperm is enough to earn him at least the news of your pregnancy.
Like it or not, your boyfriend has a stake in this pregnancy, regardless of how long you've been dating, regardless of how you think he'll react, regardless of whether or not it will harm your relationship. If you chose to give birth, he would have a legal responsibility to you and the child, so to exclude him from involvement because you choose to terminate strikes me as a double standard. As a biological contributor to the pregnancy, he deserves to know about it. It's not your problem alone.
I'm not saying you have to solicit or defer to his opinion. I think most guys in his situation are no more ready to be a parent than you are, so I doubt you'll get much pushback. If you did, though, if he wanted to insist that you see the pregnancy through and deliver a baby, then you could play the "my body, my decision" argument and be within your right to do so. He can't make choices for you that will affect your life significantly more than they affect his just because he likes the idea of being a dad.
What I do think you owe him is the truth about the pregnancy -- a courtesy notification, if you will. You're telling him that you are pregnant and have chosen a course of action that you believe is in everyone's best interest, and you hope he agrees. If he doesn't, you're sorry, but you aren't ready to be his baby mama just yet. The final decision is yours.
If it were me, I'd want to know, and I'd want to help you in any way you needed.
Emily says:
This is a very delicate situation, and while Cary is completely and totally justified in his opinion that your new boyfriend should know about your pregnancy, I don't think you're a terrible person for not telling him. I understand the desire to want to just take care of things and let the relationship play out without drama this early on.Your reproductive health is yours and yours alone. Any man, whether a stranger or a husband, can enter into a sexual relationship with you. But as the person with the womb, you're the one, ultimately, who decides what to do with it. This puts women in the position of making difficult, sometimes gut-wrenching decisions -- and in making those decisions, we sometimes isolate ourselves, even though going it alone isn't always the best approach.
My biggest concern with your question is the sense I get that somehow your "condition" could upset the relationship or inconvenience your new boyfriend. You didn't make a mistake that you now need to cover up before anyone finds out; this pregnancy is a result of consensual sex. Though you could soldier through this alone, why would you? Why would you deny yourself the support through a potentially difficult time and carry all of this on your own?
If you are already having concerns about how this man will react to stressful situations, this may not be the best relationship for you. How many other things will you keep to yourself in order to protect him? How long before you allow him to support you emotionally in a difficult time?
The decision to terminate this pregnancy may be a tough one for you, but it's one I'm sure you felt was the best decision at this time. Not telling your boyfriend may make things easier on your relationship, but I would encourage you not to sacrifice your own needs for the comfort of others.
How about you? What do you think is the right decision?
Tell him? Absolutely not! No way. Get the abortion then present a done deal.
No argument, no discussion, no drama, no intervention. Do it then if you want tell him after the fact.
On paper I agree with Cary, but I know myself.
If this ever happened to me I probably wouldn't say anything, either. My boyfriend is a great guy and everything, but I'm a very introvert person. I wouldn't want to "rock the boat" and mention that I was pregnant, unless I was planning on keeping the child. It's very tough for a woman, but like Emily said; You don't have to suffer through your decision alone. Maybe, before you tell your boyfriend you tell a good friend? I have never been in your position before, but you might consider some sort of counselor to talk to, perhaps? Even if you're 100% sure in your decision, you could get a professionals opinion on whether the father should be told, and tips for bringing it up.
I think she should tell him! One it's a scary thing to go through alone. And 2 what if while he may not be ready to play daddy likes the idea of adoption better? You'd get to make the dreams of a family come true for someone else, and in most adoption cases that adopting family pays hospital and doc fees and anything else as though they are going to them all themselves. All you'd simply be is the means for them to have a child they may not ever be able to have and you'd be free to still persue what you wanted from life, college, a nice career or what have you.
Go for the abortion and you want to know what you'll deal with? It's not a pretty picture since I was FORCED to get one myself. You'll have to set up the appointment date, that alone isn't bad doesn't seem any different than going to your doc for a flu shot. They take and check your blood type because they use the data or fetus for something I wasn't ever clear on that part, or maybe it was for if you bleed bad. And they give you a short checklist of things to bring, ID, loose fitting pants or skirt and pads and the paper work from the office visit.
Well in between that visit and the actual date you'll still have to take decent care of yourself just to make sure and reduce the risk of things happening when it happens. Not to mention come up with $800 or more to have it done.
Then comes the date of the abortion. You get shoved into a waiting room and are waiting and waiting even though there's only you and 4 other people there. Then you get herded into another smaller waiting room where they will prick your finger and tell you it only hurts like a bee sting (which I don't know about most people but those HURT) to see if you're anemic that day. Then you do lots more waiting and LOADS of paper work in that waiting. Finally you're called into a room where they will have you take 4 or 5 pills to start the process but they take an ultrasound to tell how far along you are because if even by a few days a stage 2, aka second trimester, abortion costs more.
Then you go back and wait more. Finally they call you in to do it and they load you up with even more drugs and give you a shot that makes everything spin and your brain feel like it's all messed up and you can't even talk above a whisper. Then they insert the tool to take out the fetus. Once that's done they herd you to another waiting room.
There you WILL vomit horribly and they have you drink some juice or something while they hand you a bag of antibiotics and charts and such for the complications that can happen after plus 3 months or so worth of the pill. They also give the legal crap and talk to you about it but you're still out of your mind a bit from the shot they give you that makes things spin, which is why it's all on paper and in a bag with the meds. And after awhile the vomiting slows up and that's when they have you go to the restroom and check the pad to see if you are bleeding too much or if you're ok to send home now.
The bleeding goes on for 2 weeks or more and they recommend no sex for a month to allow your body time to heal plus antiboitics mess with the pill so last thing you'd want to do is think you're home free and have it happen again. So I'm sure that while it's going to still be up to you the guy will go WTH when all of a sudden you go from sex me up baby to no don't touch there for a month or more. So seriously do him the courtesy of letting him know about it. He may be taken aback but it takes 2 to tango and who knows even if he's not happy with the abortion he may go with you just to be your helping hand and support through the whole ordeal.
I can tell you had my guy at the time not been there I'd have broken down thanks to the meds and the docs treating me like I was 5 years old! Thankfully he was there to help make sure I didn't fall down and got plenty of rest at home. This was 4 years ago for me and still to this day I remember how that one dizzy med made me feel. That's the only part for me that was bad other than having no say in adopting/keeping or aborting.
And I felt awful for the abortion only simply because his own sister had been trying for 5 years to have her own kid and I felt she would have been a great adoption home for that baby.
You have got to be kidding me!!! You really want to tell this woman to go through 9 months of physical and emotional hell to have a baby and then give it up....instead of a day, possibly a few days of recovery from an abortion??? And how on GOD'S GREEN EARTH were you FORCED to have an abortion?? That is simply an overstatement because it's not POSSIBLE in the good 'ol USA. Even if you were counseled by medical professionals to terminate a pregnancy the decision always remained in your hands! ALWAYS!!! Then you go through describing your horrible situation...which is most likely a one in ten possibliity for this woman! I'm ashamed of you!!! I'm a woman, an adoptee and have been in this woman's shoes...and know what??? My boyfriend did dump me the day after I had the abortion....further proving my decision to be a good one! And as for being adopted I'm all for adoption!!! As long as that is what the expectant mother wants to do....whole-heartedly. Because believe me...as long as an abortion sticks with you (mine was over 20 years ago....and trust me they were a lot uglier back then than just 4 years ago) giving a child up for adoption can leave many many more holes in one's soul. I have very vivid memories of my day at the abortion clinic and of my heart stopping on the table from fright, then passing out. I woke up with the nicest people taking care of me and terribly worried about me. The contacted my daily for a week to make sure that I was doing alright. I would feel more sorry for you and your situation (what your procedure was like) if I didn't believe that you were trying to scare this poor woman into your point of view. Her delima was not over abortion or adoption....she made that choice....it was about to tell the boyfriend or not. You are, of course, entitled to your opinion, but I fear you have left your humanity in another purse.
To the author of the question....I agree with the site writers that you should tell your boyfriend. If he is anything other than supportive then you have learned that this is not the man for you and you will be able to heal and move on. Better to find out now how he will be in a difficult situation then later on down the road, say after you got married. The right man for you will be supportive, hold your hair back if you throw up, and take the best care of you while you are out of commission. You decision is not an easy one....I sympathize with you. Good luck!
Tell him. I don't agree with the whole "it's solely the woman's choice" thing simply because it's her womb. A woman can't make a baby by herself. It's 50/50, no more, no less. And he has as much right to know and to discuss the decision as she does.
And how harsh is it if the guy wants to have the baby and she doesn't and she has an abortion just because she CAN? Because it's in her body and not his? Ugh. He will have to live with that the rest of his life. It's not like he'll forget.
Cary, you say "He can't make choices for you that will affect your life significantly more than they affect his just because he likes the idea of being a dad." But doesn't he have a RIGHT to be a dad since the baby was already conceived? And what makes his wants less valid than hers? The way you phrased this makes it sound as though regardless of what he wants, she has a right to override his decision. I don't agree.
Sorry, but I'm sticking up for the men here, hard core. I think their feelings and beliefs get overlooked with sh-t like this nearly 100 percent of the time and I don't like it.
I can understand and, to a certain degree, agree with your viewpoint. But at the same time you must take into consideration that men aren't the ones who throw up for months and months, gain all sorts of baby fat, have drastic hormone and other body changes, have a tiny human being kicking the crap out of them if they lay the wrong way in bed and make them involuntarily pee on themselves, go through 14+ straight hours of excruciating pain during labor, get their bodies cut open or their vaginal openings ripped while giving birth, have the possibility of dying due to pregnancy related conditions/complications, deal with the lifelong repercussions pregnancy can cause to your body, brain, and emotions, and who knows what else pregnancy can do.
They don't have to carry that little being inside of them for almost a whole year and deal with everything that comes with carrying said being like we do. He might want to be a parent (which is life changing itself) but he doesn't have to be a parent AND deal with the aftereffects of pregnancy on his body until the ends of time like she will. And what if he wants to be a daddy but she doesn't? How awkward will that be to put up with all of that crap just because he wants it (It took two to tango. Shouldn't it take two to agree on the pattern they weave on the dance floor?) and then do what? Just give the kid to him? As a child from a single parent household I can say that the kid will have a lot of hurt and anger towards her for doing that. Not to mention that he/she will grow up and want to meet their mother eventually. Awkward situation. Trust me. Or, help raise the kid (by whatever arrangement) she never wanted? The resentment on her part will build up and shine through on that one. The kid will sense it too. Not to mention that kids are expensive - whether you're the one buying them food and clothes or the one who is paying child support. However, if she does end up telling him and they both want to keep the kid that's awesome. Problem solved (for this situation at least).
I'm not saying that she should or shouldn't tell him. I'm just saying that there are a lot of nuances to take into consideration here. Not everything can be split into black and white. Especially when emotions come into play. And pregnancy can be pretty emotion-laden for both parties.
Yes, Melissa, I'm saying her wishes override his. She's the one who has to carry the baby, and, to me, that gives her the final say. Do you really think a woman should have to carry a fetus she doesn't want just because the guy does? I don't.
I do, but thats because I think its just as much his baby as it is hers. I've been pregnant, and while I hated it, I know that really, it wasnt that damn bad. She should absolutely suck it up and carry it to term if thats what he wants. If she doesnt want a baby, thats great, who cares, she can sign over all rights if she wants, but if he wants it, he should be able to have it.
How would you feel if you got someone pregnant and you really wanted the baby, then she aborted it? Would you feel like she killed your child? Because I would and I would be devastated and resentful for life. You could argue that she might be the same if she carries to term against her will but thats where the quote "I've heard of women regretting their abortions, but I've never heard of anyone regretting having their baby" comes in.
Besides all that, there is the off chance that this could work out for the best. I know based on my own experience alone, that its possible. I got pregnant 2 weeks after meeting my bf, I told him when I finally got a + test that I could do it on my own if he didnt want to be involved and he chose to stay, he chose to step up to the plate and is now a wonderful father and a wonderful man. We had to spend a few years learning how to live together and truly love each other, but its getting better. It will never be perfect, no one's relationship is, but we have both had to grow up (he had a head start being 12 years older than me, lol) and learn how to deal with life, even when life means scraping the bottom of the barrel to get by, even when it means infidelities and bad fights, etc....we had to learn what sticking together "for worse" really means...and for that, I'm thankful. Its made both of us better people and given us the wisdom to raise our wonderful daughter with level heads. Through all the worse though, its also taught us a lot about the "for better" as well.
So I know firsthand that being thrown together and having to make it work, can be one of the best things to happen to someone.
I think she should tell him, maybe she will get lucky and end up going through a "growth spurt" in life. If she doesnt get lucky, then she will see that he wasnt the guy for her anyway.
Besides, maybe he will agree and want an abortion as well. : (
This is why, even though I'm pro-life, I am a big supporter of birth control. Take responsibility before it gets to this point (ie. condoms combined with the pill) and prevent the conception in the first place! But once the embryo is implanted, it IS there and no matter what side of the fence you're on (pro-life, pro-choice), there are decisions to be made.
Please keep in mind that this is also someone who had an unexpected pregnancy 9 years ago!!!
Weigh out your options. Obviously, abortion is the "easy" way out, but like other posters have stated, it's hardly a walk in the park. Get all the information. Same with adoption. You could be giving a childless couple a chance to have a child, but it messes with your emotions.
On the other hand, you can choose what I decided to do: keep the child. He was happier than heck when I told him I was preggers and told me something I had never heard before--one of his former girlfriends decided to abort his child a number of years earlier without discussing it with him or even telling him first. It still affected him; he made me promise not to abort. That had never occurred to me anyway, given my beliefs, but it shocked me how hurt he was about it.
Don't get me wrong, there were tons of recriminations (my whole family called me a whore for having a kid outside marriage), the romantic relationship didn't last, and my kid turned out to have a form of autism. But you know what? I did what I thought was right. Even though he and I didn't work out, my kiddo knows that both her mother and father love her dearly.
Talk it over with him. It's his kid, too. Who knows, he may surprise you. Not that I advocate any woman being a walking nest, but you made the choice when you climbed into bed with this man. As I said, I'm not throwing stones. All I'm saying is, you didn't get yourself pregnant.
Hope things work out for you. *hugs*
Thanks for the responses. I still don't know whether I will tell him. It's mostly an issue of me being a private person and I find it difficult to share very personal things about myself with others. I know it's not my fault but I tend to put blame on myself for things I shouldn't. I already know 100% that he would not be interested in having the baby because we talked about this off hand before it happened. Also, I would not consider adoption because that would mean a) birthing a child in the middle of my 4th year of university and b) I drank alcohol before finding out about the fetus and wouldn't want to take that risk. My sister has both an unplanned for child and an abortion under her belt and regrets neither. We are apparently very fertile people with which birth control has trouble keeping up.
I'm not going to argue with you, Cary, about your hypocrisy regarding double standards for men and women, as Melissa and Nataliesmommy already touched on it.
However, I take issue with the statement "...we all know damn well that if men could get pregnant, legal abortion wouldn't even be an issue." What a dumb thing to say. Do you sincerely believe that all pro-lifers, male or female, are that way because they hate women, even if subconsciously? There are some decent pro-choice arguments out there. This is not one of them.
What a lovely day for a 736276! SCK was here
What a lovely day for a 3950705! SCK was here