Well hello there. It is time once again for that oh-so-lively experiment in cross-pollination with our lady friends at Lemondrop wherein we take a Guyspeak question and give two answers, one male and one female. Sometimes we agree, sometimes we don't, but we're always naked, which is nice. Well, I am, anyway. I do my best work naked.
This week's question: Should a wife know if her husband fantasizes about having sex with other women?
Since I'm a gentleman, I'll let Lemondrop's Emily Gordon go first.
Emily speaketh:
Cary "Wise Ass" McNeal and I discussed this epic query, which is fitting because we are both married. To other people. The issues are twofold with this question-- should you only be attracted to the person you are in a committed relationship with, and even stickier, how much should your significant other know about your thoughts and feelings?
We basically agreed on the first question: being in a long term relationship shouldn't and doesn't mean that you stop finding other people attractive. We are all human, and all biologically programmed to respond to beautiful people. This doesn't mean you are a cheater, and in fact, allowing yourself to indulge in fantasies about people other than your spouse can keep you from cheating. It's the people without imagination who end up having to go out and experience the things most of us are happy just daydreaming about.
Should people tell their partners if they are fantasizing about having sex with other people? Cary and I both agreed NO, but while Cary went with the "what they don't know won't hurt them" tactic, I was quick to remind him that what they don't know can totally hurt them (and ruin their post-Oscar winning glow). My rule for relationship disclosure is 1) will it hurt their feelings, and 2) would I feel that it was vital to know if this happened to him? Both questions have to be answered yes before I consider telling a secret.
And finally, sister to sister, calm down! Women are always so concerned with what men are thinking that they sometimes forget to consider what they themselves are thinking. Are you happy with your sex life? Do you fantasize about other men in the sack? Maybe if you tried, you'd be so into it that you'd forget to wonder what he's thinking and just enjoy yourself, and I bet that'd be pretty sexy.
Cary the Wise Ass sez:
Should a wife know if her husband fantasizes about having sex with other women? If? Ha. There is no if. He does. Everyone does. So yes, in that sense a wife should know her husband does it, but no, he doesn't need to go blurting it out to her and rubbing her face in it.
Being married doesn't mean you'll never be attracted to someone else. And part of being attracted to a person is thinking about having sex with them. It's normal. Even the president copped to it. No, not Bill Clinton, Jimmy Carter, back in the 70s. And he's a saint.
We need that outlet -- men and women alike -- if we have committed to someone for what we hope will be the rest of our lives. Our loins (biology) tell us to spread the love and propagate the species, but our heads (common sense, integrity) tell us that our mate might be a wee bit chuffed if we do. So, that sexual energy has to go somewhere. Enter fantasy.
What a spouse doesn't need to know are the specifics: who, what, when, where, and how you got busy with someone in your mind. Does it matter? No. In situations like this, what you don't know won't hurt you. It's not real, and it's also personal and private. We're still individuals, and some things are our business only. Knowing would only tick you off and make you insecure.
"But Cary," I hear you squawking, "won't allowing yourself to fantasize about other people increase the chances that you'll cheat?" Hmm, let's see. No. It's a healthy release of sexual tension, which is better than an unhealthy release, i.e. cheating. If anything, the former will help prevent the latter. Fantasy is like anything else, though -- there's a limit. If a person can't ever have sex with his partner without thinking of someone else, then it's a problem. We have to be aware and in control of our thoughts to make sure we balance fantasy with reality.
Bottom line: assume your husband is fantasizing about others, but know it's just that -- fantasy, not a threat to your marriage. At the end of the day, he comes home to you, and that's what matters.
This week's question: Should a wife know if her husband fantasizes about having sex with other women?
Since I'm a gentleman, I'll let Lemondrop's Emily Gordon go first.
Emily speaketh:Cary "Wise Ass" McNeal and I discussed this epic query, which is fitting because we are both married. To other people. The issues are twofold with this question-- should you only be attracted to the person you are in a committed relationship with, and even stickier, how much should your significant other know about your thoughts and feelings?
We basically agreed on the first question: being in a long term relationship shouldn't and doesn't mean that you stop finding other people attractive. We are all human, and all biologically programmed to respond to beautiful people. This doesn't mean you are a cheater, and in fact, allowing yourself to indulge in fantasies about people other than your spouse can keep you from cheating. It's the people without imagination who end up having to go out and experience the things most of us are happy just daydreaming about.
Should people tell their partners if they are fantasizing about having sex with other people? Cary and I both agreed NO, but while Cary went with the "what they don't know won't hurt them" tactic, I was quick to remind him that what they don't know can totally hurt them (and ruin their post-Oscar winning glow). My rule for relationship disclosure is 1) will it hurt their feelings, and 2) would I feel that it was vital to know if this happened to him? Both questions have to be answered yes before I consider telling a secret.
And finally, sister to sister, calm down! Women are always so concerned with what men are thinking that they sometimes forget to consider what they themselves are thinking. Are you happy with your sex life? Do you fantasize about other men in the sack? Maybe if you tried, you'd be so into it that you'd forget to wonder what he's thinking and just enjoy yourself, and I bet that'd be pretty sexy.
Cary the Wise Ass sez:Should a wife know if her husband fantasizes about having sex with other women? If? Ha. There is no if. He does. Everyone does. So yes, in that sense a wife should know her husband does it, but no, he doesn't need to go blurting it out to her and rubbing her face in it.
Being married doesn't mean you'll never be attracted to someone else. And part of being attracted to a person is thinking about having sex with them. It's normal. Even the president copped to it. No, not Bill Clinton, Jimmy Carter, back in the 70s. And he's a saint.
We need that outlet -- men and women alike -- if we have committed to someone for what we hope will be the rest of our lives. Our loins (biology) tell us to spread the love and propagate the species, but our heads (common sense, integrity) tell us that our mate might be a wee bit chuffed if we do. So, that sexual energy has to go somewhere. Enter fantasy.
What a spouse doesn't need to know are the specifics: who, what, when, where, and how you got busy with someone in your mind. Does it matter? No. In situations like this, what you don't know won't hurt you. It's not real, and it's also personal and private. We're still individuals, and some things are our business only. Knowing would only tick you off and make you insecure.
"But Cary," I hear you squawking, "won't allowing yourself to fantasize about other people increase the chances that you'll cheat?" Hmm, let's see. No. It's a healthy release of sexual tension, which is better than an unhealthy release, i.e. cheating. If anything, the former will help prevent the latter. Fantasy is like anything else, though -- there's a limit. If a person can't ever have sex with his partner without thinking of someone else, then it's a problem. We have to be aware and in control of our thoughts to make sure we balance fantasy with reality.
Bottom line: assume your husband is fantasizing about others, but know it's just that -- fantasy, not a threat to your marriage. At the end of the day, he comes home to you, and that's what matters.
Well done, Emily & Cary. It's a difficult question but I agree with both of your responses. Especially if you've been together for a very long time, a little fantasy never hurt anyone. ;) I have a strict don't ask/don't tell policy about this area of discussion!
Fantasizing is dreaming, imagining, and thinking about someone or something. It is NOT doing. Just because you are married or are in a serious relationship does not mean that you stop noticing or being attracted to others. You're in a relationship, you're not dead, after all. The details of the fantasies don't really matter and don't need to be shared with your spouse, in my opinion.
Fantasy is indeed a good sign of someone who can entertain themselves without much needed to spark it. If someone can indulge themself with a fantasy here and there that's no harm at all. It's true everyone does it unless they truly don't know how to be creative, then they may pursue things in a physical way rather than keep it to themselves, which is a bad thing to do.
I'd rather guys keep having a fantasy in their mind because who knows they may get creative and try out that thing they did with imagination mary on you and that could just be fantastic. If it weren't for being creative I'm sure we'd only have a small handful of positions for the pleasing. Having racy dreams and all that too is healthy it means alot but you don't have to go tell wife/hubby about what got you horny in the middle of the night but rather just share in the good feeling and everyone is happy^^
While fantasies are great there is also limits if they start imagining things to hurt people that'd be a sign of deeper issues. But if they keep it light hearted and just wonder if that person has nice abs and what those abs may feel like or how sexy those arm muscles are or... Um excuse me I
'm going to go off to imagaination land now (and no not the one from south park)
Cary: "chuffed" means "pleased", not "pissed". Changes the whole sentence, really.
No, not really. Chuffed can mean either pleased or pissed, depending on usage.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/chuffed
I agree that fantasy is normal and healthy and excellent. I don't think it has anything to do with cheating whatsoever, though. That is, I don't think doing it more often will keep someone from cheating nor will it cause them to cheat.
Whenever I see cheating come up in these relationship discussions, it is often considered something natural that will happen in a relationship if it is not tended to correctly. Is it really a man's natural tendency to cheat and mistreat someone he cares for? Or is it natural for men to just never actually care about anyone?
Sorry guys but I have to disagree with you on this one! I've had both my substantially long term relationships completely ravaged and devastated by my significant others rampant "fantasy" life. What I didn't know did indeed hurt me, and my children in the process. Catering to avid fantasy sent my ex-husband to the psych ward and my would-be fiance to prison.
I'm afraid to tell you that it is only our society's current view of fantasy (at least fantasy of being with others than our partner) as "harmless" that allows us the luxury of claiming our thoughts as private right. It does however infringe on your relationship, feelings and attraction toward your partner and grows...exponentially and darker the more you entertain it. It's not "normal," common yes but not normal.
While I typically agree with you Wise Ass, this time I have to say no, fantasy is not healthy and NO, not everyone does it! I don't and I have never had a problem getting where I need to go!
Now if you want to fantasize about your partner in a different context I say go for it but let's leave other people out of it. Thanks
I think if a husband is having a fantasy about having sex with another woman, I consider that cheating. Plain & Simple! I don't see anything wrong with a man thinking another woman is attractive but, the thoughts of having sex with her is wrong.
I think if a husband is having a fantasy about having sex with another woman, I consider that cheating. Plain & Simple! I don't see anything wrong with a man thinking another woman is attractive but, the thoughts of having sex with her is wrong.
Since when are thoughts wrong?! My husband and I have been together for nearly 10 years and I KNOW he fantasizes about other women-we've talked about it while having sex and I gotta tell ya, it was awesome! I fantasize about other men, too, and have NEVER even come close to cheating on him. I can't understand why so many women feel like they need to control their man-nobody's gonna control my actions let alone my thoughts. Maybe if some of these women would stop being such control freaks, their husbands would fantasize more about THEM! Relax and let the poor guy release some steam, or better yet, let it be a creative outlet for you both during sex and watch him start fantasizing about you!