This week, Emily explains why women fall for bad boys. Check out her open letter to the nice guys who try to pick up the pieces, then check out my thoughts below.
Emily Gordon writes:
An Open Letter to "Good Guys"
Hey listen nice guys, I know this recent Sandra Bullock/Jesse James debacle has opened a poorly healed wound, so I thought I'd try to address you directly and let you know why it is that women go for bad boys. Because as much as we might deny it to your face, some of us totally do go for the bad boys. On purpose.
Women love context, and we love stories that have a setup, conflict, and resolution. In the stories that are our lives, we would love to see ourselves meeting a guy with a history of being a hard-partying bruiser, we would love to see ourselves going head to head with that bruiser and challenging him on his ways, and we would love to see the final scene, where the bruiser falls madly in love with us and adores us forever. We want to be the ones to slay the dragon. That's the fantasy.
There are two problems with that scenario: 1) People don't change unless they actually want to change, and 2) our lives continue after the fairytale ending. If the bad boy doesn't want to be a bad boy turned good forever, at some point we'll have to look at pictures of his poorly tattooed racist mistress all over the Internet.
So why will we keep going after bad boys? Because they are a challenge. They make us work for their affection, and in doing so, we end up feeling special, because we earned it. Not by being female or available, but by giving it all we've got. Often "making us work for it" ends up looking like "treating us like shit", but that's a price we're willing to pay in order to taste the sweet thrill of the conquest. I know it's frustrating for you, especially if you've watched a girl you would treat like a queen be dissed by a jerky guy, but until the girl is tired of chasing down dragons, you'll be the one left to pick up the pieces.
Maybe next time she has her heart broken by a bad boy, instead of being there to hug her, tell her she deserves better and that she should call you when she grows up. Not only because you shouldn't enable her self-destructive behavior, but also because she may find it quite attractive.
Chic Geek Nick says:
As someone who has been there time and time again to pick up the pieces after my female friends (and crushes) were screwed over by so-called bad boys, I no longer feel sorry for anyone who is wronged by the Jesse James-es and Tiger Woods-es of the world.
Take Sandra Bullock, for example. Sure, I sympathize with her. (To a point.) But she had to expect this would happen. She married a guy who named himself after a famous outlaw; a guy who came with some serious baggage in the form of a tax cheating porn star ex-wife who engaged Sandra in a bitter custody battle over Jesse's daughter. Was anyone really surprised that he had a racist, tattooed mess of mistress named "Bombshell" McGee? To be honest, the only part of their relationship that was surprising was seeing Jesse play the good husband during Oscar season. Watching him on the various talk shows and red carpets, you could tell he wanted to rip off his tuxedo and punch Billy Bush square in the mouth. And his edgy side is certainly what attracted Sandra to Jesse in the first place. (It certainly wasn't his money or moderate level of fame.)
Women fall for bad boys for the same reasons that men fall for crazy women: it keeps things interesting. Life is basically pretty boring. Sure, a lot of cool stuff happens, but our day-to-day can be pretty dull. Are you going to choose the sweet, milquetoast guy who's always there but also sort of boring, or the tattooed bad boy who plays in a crappy punk band and treats you like garbage? Meanwhile, guys know that a crazy girl might smash our Xbox just because a female coworker friended us on Facebook. But she'll also surprise us with dune buggy driving lessons or give us a handie during a crowded showing of How to Train Your Dragon. In both cases, you may come out scarred (in more ways than one), but you won't be bored.
And I agree that the challenge aspect is a huge part of the appeal for women. Every woman thinks they're the one who can tame the wild horse. Not only is there the thrill of accomplishment, there's the satisfaction of showing your friends that you were the one who he settled down for. But Emily is right: people rarely change. You can take in an alley cat, give him a nice saucer of milk and a warm bed, but he's still an alley cat. And eventually he's going to shred your favorite pair of shoes and run off to shack up with whatever mangy piece of street trash will have him.
So I urge you to decide whether the bad boys are really worth it. In the end, what you really want is a nice guy with a bit of a bad boy steak. (Just like, deep down, men want a nice girl with a little bit 'o crazy to keep things interesting.) Oh, sure, sometimes a player can be reformed. But is it worth the heartache? Is it worth the sadness, the self-loathing, the many, many pints of Ben & Jerry's that he will inevitably drive you towards?
It is? Really? Well, don't come crying to me then. I warned ya.
In my womanly opinion, life is hard enough without having your heart ripped out by some punk. I would gladly take a few boring days over an entire relationship based on a false fantasy. I understand the excitement, but a bad boy isn't going to stick around and be a good father and husband (which in the end, is what most women want). My boyfriend is the definition of a nice guy, and I've never been happier or more in love. Girls who love the bad boys, give the nice guys a chance!!
I have another theory about the good girl/bad boy thing.
Most of us girls are socialized to be good, nice, never say no, don't make a fuss, blah blah blah. Then along comes this guy who does the exact opposite; he's always in trouble, rebellious, and ready to pick a fight with anyone who looks at him wrong. To some girls, that's like nectar to the bee. He's doing everything she's always wanted to do but couldn't. To be honest, it's kind of a turn-on.
Hey Nick, does that go for good boys/bad girls, too?
I'm edgy, though not really bad, and I have this thing for nice boys, all buttoned up and proper, and try to bring out the naughty streak. Sometimes it's a stripe! It's hard to believe sometimes how much men especially will bury their true selves because they don't think women will accept it.
Nothing is more exciting than to see a good boy give the naughty, come-hither look. Lordy me! It's like having a bad boy on the inside, all for me. Yum.
I've lived my life always being a 'good girl', but my ex-husband (recently divorced) didn't appreciate me and tried to control me too much (I know...I enabled him too much because I was brought up to 'be a good girl!'). What eventually tore us apart were his affairs he didn't even try to hide. I have to admit, my sitch is like what Jude said...my 'player' guy I met just before my divorce is the opposite of what I've known in men whom I got serious with before & after marriage. My 'player' guy is the most honest, direct, open and non-dysfunctional guy I've ever met and I love it! He's shown me another way to look at things, and, at least for now, part of our attraction to each other is how opposite we are but the gap is narrowing (he's released some 'inner me' that we're both digging, and he's become close emotionally to me more & more). I don't know where we'll end up but I'm enjoying getting to know how bad boys think and what makes them tick. My guy is a lover not a fighter, and I'm not even going there about the thought of changing him. I've gone in knowing what he's like (thanks to his honesty), thought he was worth the risk of ...getting hurt? ...no, learning who I am because of who he is.
hey chic geek, I loved what you said. I think nice guys totally deserve better, and the same goes for all those nice girls who let themselves get punch by their bfs once in a while.
my advice to nice guys though, if the bitch turned you down, dont look at her again. Dont take that calll. and its not that you want to challenge her and make her feel bad, but simply because you just dont care!
if a bitch dont want you, she dont respect you. thats it. So,emily suggests a nice guy tell a girl she deserves better and to call him when she grows up? Bitch if you didnt grow up already, then its over. no ones waiting for a child to catch up to life, lifes too short. either bitch knows what she wants or not. so nice guys, turn the other way.
stop being forgiving, and dont be there. let the girl know that YOU deserve better. And that simply, its their loss!
I don't really understand the attraction to Bad Boys. I lost my tolerance for that kind of nonsense after high school! Seriously, after a certain point, you get tired of dating the wrong man over and over again. I decided it was illogical and wasn't worth the time or the (wasted) effort. So I vowed to stay single until an available guy came along who was both mature and NOT A JERK. I had a couple of false starts (which ended as soon as I started seeing "red flags"), but ultimately ended up with a Good Guy thanks to my patience and stubborn insistance on knowing what I deserve.
Women: Don't settle. We don't need mates to survive or to live long happy lives. Being alone is not the Deadly Horror we pretend it to be. So enjoy getting to know yourself and living your own life until the right partner comes along. And follow your instincts: if it feels "off", then it probably is. Healthy relationships don't involve constant drama. I think our gender tends to forget that fact too easily.
Good luck, lovely ladies!
I have to disagree with Emily Gordon's post. I don't think the appeal is about liking a challenge; no woman really thinks she can change a guy. I think it is pure biology. Something about a bad guy (defiant attitued, rebel looks, macho talk, etc...) says "tough" and we are biologically programmed to think that "tough" = survior, and our biology also says to get with the guy who can give your kids the best survival odds, hence the attraction to bad boys. Part of it is also the thrill, but ultimatly it is genetics. Check out this article in the WSJ. Our preferences for men seems to be dictated by our environment - again, all due to our perception of how good a provider he is and how he can provide in a given environment.
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704100604575145810050665030.html
Actually, I disagree with both. i dont think its necessarily that ladies want "bad" boys, we want MANLY guys. Manliess, if I had to go all psychology on this- is a confounding variable. We want guys with confidence and swagger. Bad boys tend to have these things. "Nice" guys tend to not have these things. I think its completely arugable that women just want what is sexy, and what they're attracted to. You can tell the women who go after bad boys that they're fools; but hey, you can't just make yourself be attracted to a guy who's wimpy. We dont get to chose who we fall for. We get to act on those urges or not, but training a girl to recognize bad boy behavior STILL wont make her attracted to that nice guy. So, I think it would be much better and more effective to instill confidence and swagger in nice/good guys. I "like" bad boys myself. I dont go for them cause I know they would treat me like crap. I would love to be attracted to a lot of my guy friends who have expressed interest in me.... but they are just not manly and confident and sexy for me. If, when we had first met, they didnt freak out and look like they were going to pee their pants talking to me then MAYBE it would be a different story.
We love bad boys because they loved us first. I was never seeking the bad boy but he showed up with flowers, his attention his protection and he made me feel good. Also I noticed the smarter guys are using his approach to date us. Yes that is what needs to happen. The good guys hurt you unintentionally by not being clear. Remember girls are shy they don't even know what they are feeling maybe they're really nervous. It was hard for me to let myself be known only people who got past that shyness or whatever were either the guys who take the lead or other flawed guys who keep it real. I met a good guy and he's chasing me like a bad boy with his dark arts seduction stuff and I guess it means he wants me if he takes the trouble. Even I would hesitate to get into he dark arts b/c of his free will or something but he if he doesn't hesitate maybe that's a good sign. I had a complaint with a guy I married once...he ended up treating me like furniture. But I might have known because if guys don't chase you and cause a fuss maybe they're not attracted to you and then you're both in trouble.
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